Plus-Sized Pin Up

Why. Sometimes I think that word is loaded. It is filled with so many emotions and words that cannot even be vocalized -- maybe not even fully realized. Why. It's like a shout into the dark where you're unsure whether someone is there to listen. It is said in desperation, just hoping that somewhere, someone will know the answer. And, not even know the answer, give the answer. Remaining unanswered brings feelings of loss, confusion, insecurity . . . Why.

Hubby got fired this evening. It was out of the blue. The boss didn't even have the cahones (sp) to tell him why. We don't know what to do. Prayer seems empty and pointless. We've been praying for months for God to bring me a job. Along with a call from dispatch saying I wasn't hired, hubby gets the axe. I feel so lost. I hazard even saying betrayed. Where is God? Everything is bleak . . . I cannot even see past the immediate . . .

He is heading tomorrow to see if he qualifies for unemployment. After that, we're going to see if we can defer as many loan payments as we can. Student loan starts around the 25th. I have the paperwork to fill out. According to the website, I can get a deferment up to 36mo.

Everything is coming down . . . The walls are closing in . . . I feel so alone and I don't know what to do or where to go. The tears stop for a little while; however, they keep coming back. I'm so scared. It would be nice to just pack up and go, but that isn't an option at the moment. If we sell our house before 3yrs of purchase, we owe the government the $8,000 tax credit for new home owners. Maybe we can squat at my parents' house if everything goes belly up. I don't know . . .

I wish I could curl up in blankets, go to sleep, and wake up to find that this is just a horrible dream.

I should be saying good-bye to week 4 and heading into week 5. Well, it's not happening. I didn't end up finishing out my week 4 on Friday. After an unwanted adventure the previous night, I was left with zero energy. Needless to say, I slept in. Man, did I need it! Then last night, I ended the evening with a migraine from hell! Usually I'm not too light sensitive when I get them, but last night was awful! Several hours after taking Advil, drinking caffeine, and resting, I felt like I had been beat up!

Slipping into a hot bath was a needed retreat. However, instead of snuggling into bed and going to sleep, I got out feeling horribly nauseous. Hubby brought me some pomegranate 7Up to calm my stomach. I decided not to take my medication and sipped the 7Up until my stomach was calm enough to go to sleep.

I don't think I slept well. It was really restless, and it felt as though I woke up several times throughout the night. When my alarm went off this morning, I found that I had horrible night sweats as though I was running a fever. I was also extremely chilled. However, I felt fine. When I got up to get ready for the gym, I found that my bowels (stomach, intestines, etc.) were feeling iffy. It seemed like a good idea to stay home. *sigh* After trying to crawl back into bed twice and being jolted out by a whining dog, I have decided to quit. I'm planning on curling up into a warm blanket on the couch, so I can deal with the dog. Hopefully I'll end up getting more rest.

The weird thing is I don't necessarily feel sick. Yeah I'm chilled and my bowels don't feel good, but it seems to be without the feeling of being sick. It's weird. Hubby had some lower intestinal issues last week without feeling sick, so I wonder if I ended up getting it. *shrug* Who knows. Either way, I'm gonna jump into the last half of week 4 on Wednesday -- provided I feel better -- and start week 5 next week. I'm trying to convince myself not to feel guilty about skipping the gym. My body is just telling me to rest. If I push myself, I'll only end up hurting myself in the long run.

Anyways, I'm going to tuck myself into some warm blankets, snuggle down with a book, and try to feel better.

I got called in for an interview with dispatch on Thursday. They want me to take a test before the interview. According to Angel, in SoCal they did a reading comprehension test, grammar test, map test, and a pseudo-attention test. I got half of it in the bag! Grammar and reading comprehension are my bread and butter! Plus, I've lived here for nearly 25 years, so a map test shouldn't be too much of an issue. Tomorrow I'm going to sit down with a map of the town and test my knowledge.

After my bad interview with the police department, I spend some time doing online studying for effective interviews. I feel a lot more confident about my skills. Hopefully I'll really shine!

Even though I am excited, I'm kind of nervous. A job like dispatch is a big deal! There is no margin of error when dealing with peoples' lives and public safety. But I tell myself to take a deep breath and release the tension and apprehension.

In other new, I really started the week strong! My running book has this as a slower week, so I wasn't pushing up to 35min (total) on the treadmill. I jumped down to 25-30min. Even though it was hard, I was able to pull it off w/o stopping for a break! Here's hoping my Wednesday goes better than last week!

The 4 week program is almost done! After this week, I'll move into his 21 week program. When I'm finished with that, I'm seriously considering getting his 5k/10k running book. I'm so excited! And, when the weather gets nicer, Juneau and I are going to take it outside!! I'll still go into the gym, but running outside will be nice.

Well, week 3 is officially over!

I started the week off really strong. I upped my time into the 20min range. Monday did not herald any shin splints, so I didn't have to stop and shake out my leg during all of my walking time. Wednesday, however, was a different story. I could barely get through the minimum run-walk time, the shins splints came back with a vengeance, and I felt like I ran a damn marathon. After that setback, I finished the week really strong. No shin splints today, no breaks, max run-walk time, lots of sweating, and feeling good!

LoL, now I'm feeling tired and exhausted. Good thing we're at the weekend!! w00t, woot!

I'm sitting here watching Mindfreak with Criss Angel. I was asked to do a book review for someone, so I'm chillin' before I get back into it. You wouldn't think so, but reviewing something takes some time and brain power. I think my energy was also sapped from my brain! Although that could just be because hubby and I just watched an episode of Lost ^_~

Wow, I just started week 3!! It doesn't seem as though it has been that long! Looking back, even though I was increasing my run-walk time, things have been pretty much the same: sweating, shin splints, stopping to shake out my shins, etc. I don't feel any different. However, on Saturday, we took Juneau out to the Greenbelt (a nature walking trail around the town) and we walked a mile w/o any issues. Granted, I took a break to just enjoy the nice weather. My stamina has definitely improved.

Upped my run-walk time to 20min. After the shin splints of the last two weeks, it didn't happen today! I have been taking breaks during the 2min walk, but I didn't this morning. Man, did I want to!! It was really encouraging that I could push through the 20min. Man, I am so beefy

I don't think the interview went well . . . Some of the questions I could not answer. They wanted me to sell myself and I don't know how.

*sigh* There isn't anything I can say. I felt it went badly. I need a job! We cannot default on my loans. Arg, I just want to cry . . . :'(

My dress clothes are cleaned, my legs are shaved, and my skin is a lot better than it has been. I have my interview this afternoon with the police department. I'm really, really nervous! Everyone is convinced that it is a good sign getting the interview, but . . . Dammit, I just need a job! *sigh* I need to just trust God.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I'll let you all know how it goes.

I've decided to modify my goal. Working through this running program will probably not getting me running a full 3 miles in April; however, I am not completely ruling that out. With this in mind, I'm going to concentrate on working up to the 3 miles during the course of this program (that is a combo of walk warm up, run-walk, and walk cool down). Today I hit 1.05!!

The running was good today. The weight machines were a little easier than Monday, but I worked different muscle groups. During my crunches, I've noticed that it has gotten easier. Granted, I still feel the burn, but I don't feel as though I am struggling through them. Small accomplishments

This post from fitsugar.com sums it up perfectly:

Going to the gym has been a little frustrating lately — it's packed, chaotic, and hectic. My normally overlooked corner of the cardio room is occupied whenever I'm there, and it seems that every hour is peak hour. I know that January is typically a crowded time for fitness centers: people are making good on New Year's resolutions, and the best membership deals are being offered. I just wish these resolutionaries knew a little more about gym etiquette. But, whining aside, I am glad that people are making their health a priority; here's hoping it keeps up all year long! How's life at your gym — are you bumping elbows in yoga class and waiting in line for the treadmill?

Since going to the gym, I've noticed that we all gravitate to our favorite machines. When I come up into the cardio room, I will find myself eyeballing someone if they are on machine. I know there are several treadmills, but I like that one. Yeah, the one with the slanted hand holds, sitting near the fan, and right in front of the TVs. I don't know, something about being able to zone out to music and watching some TV at the same time helps the time pass quickly. If the high school girls would come back for more competitions while I was at the gym, I would climb onto the same style treadmill in front of the windows overlooking the pool. While I started my elliptical adventures over there because I was too timid to be in front of everyone, it is rather boring watching one or two people swimming laps and the life guard occasionally walking around the pool area. That being said, screw being in front of everyone (in all reality, the treadmill I like is close to the back!) and park me in front of the TV!

What's your favorite machine? Have you noticed the increase? I figured it was coming, but . . . Man, it is even harder to get my treadmill strategically placed near the fan and in front of the TVs.

Today was the first day of week 2! I really pushed myself. My shin started to get a little upset at me, but it didn't hurt. I'm going to spend a little more time this evening in the running book and see if it discusses the kind of discomfort I'm feeling. When I hit the cool down, it goes away almost instantly. It seems it is due to lack of exercise in that way. *shrug* But I got through 18min of run-walk time! That put me on the machine for nearly 30min and got to .96 miles! w00t! I should hit 1 mile Wednesday. It isn't running a mile, but I think it is still a big milestone! Go me!!

I finished the first week of running this Friday! I'm so excited! When I got off the treadmill, I was sweating like a pig, but it felt awesome!

For next week, I need to watch the muscle soreness in my leg. I didn't advance time wise on Friday, because the discomfort was coming back. I figured it would be a better idea to go a little slower. Risking injury is not worth it!

Yesterday, my hubby said that he noticed I lost a lot of inches around my midsection! w00t!! Since he sees me all the time, it was so neat that he was able to see progress! After going to the gym since August, I would hope there would be some noticeable changes! It was really affirming. LoL, now I need to get back on the bandwagon of eating better.

Not much to update. Life has been pretty boring around here. My interview with the police department is on Thursday. Keep me in your prayers. I heard from dispatch. The job force center forgot to tell me I needed a typing test as part of my application. It really struck me, because they wouldn't take the time to call. Usually, I would automatically me ruled out. Ninja is excited about it and thinks it means something promising. Tomorrow afternoon, I'm calling Staples. I applied there this week. Not a bad job. I just need something. Loan payment comes due the beginning of February!! We have enough to cover it for the first payment, but nothing after that. This is really starting to get scary!

Anyways, I'm excited to start week 2 tomorrow!

I still have not taken a nap. I got involved with Mindfreak and Dr. Phil. On Dr. Phil, they are discussing the book 17 Day Diet. What does everyone think about it? I stumbled on a blog detailing someone's personal journey following the diet this year. It seems like an interesting concept, but I fear any movement from the diet. Yes, losing weight is a lifestyle change, but something about this diet feels like a cage. If you don't follow, religiously, you're screwed. I really push against something like that. If I feel trapped in something, I really resist trying it.

I admit it, eating healthier makes me feel that I have absolutely no freedom. Sometimes I want a soda, pasta sounds good, etc. I have an overactive guilt complex, so even allowing myself soda in moderation, I feel very guilty! How do you overcome this? How do you feel free instead of bound?

Reading through a lot of the healthy eating cookbooks and how-to books, I feel so discouraged. I hate fish! That isn't even strong enough. No matter what sea food I eat, it hits my stomach and comes back. Then it turns into vomiting bile. Needless to say, fish is out. Add to that, I'm not overly fond of fowl. I grew up listening to my grandfather say, "Fowl is foul." If I'm honesty with myself, I don't mind chicken. My problem, I am very, very picky about my meat. Any visible veins, grizzle, etc., I cannot eat it. If I find them AFTER it is cooked, I cannot continue eating it. I know fowl is a lot leaner than red meat, but it's just too damn obvious. I don't like cutting fat off my meat. I hate seeing it, cutting it, you name it. Seriously, I cannot even touch raw meat!! Needless to say, I cook with gloves on and stick to 93% lean hamburger. And I love red meat . . . I cannot completely give it up and go vegetarian. And cheese!! I love cheese!! Extra sharp cheddar!! Yummy! :-9

Anyways, lol, this is kind of a rambling post. I guess, what do people think of the 17 day diet plan? How do you keep yourself from feeling trapped inside a diet? How to you work around your weird food likes/dislikes?

Ug, I am so tired. Some of it has to do with forgetting to get my prescriptions refilled. Waiting for the paycheck, I have gone w/o my sleep meds and my Prozac for too long. The lack of sleeping pills is really starting to catch up to me . . . I feel dead on my feet.

The gym really kicked my ass this morning. I increased my run-walk by 3-5min. I barely made it to 13min run-walk. I was hoping to get all the way to 15, but that was too much to ask. My left leg started to hurt. It felt like the muscles around my shin were getting really, really tight. When I slowed back to a walk, it relieved some of the pain. However, it didn't go away until the cool down. I think my body was telling me that 13min was all I could do this morning. If I feel like this on Friday, I'll cut back the way the book suggests.

The weights were focused on my shoulders, chest, back, and abs this morning. The shoulder press and the overhead press were almost unbearable! Before the 2wk absence, I was shoulder pressing between 45-50lbs. I had to back down to 20lbs, and it was still a struggle. On the overhead press, I could only make it through a set with 8 reps. Usually I am up at 12 reps. Everything else was pretty good. On the machine for the lower back/butt, I was able to push my weights up to 100lbs. It was set on 115 when I got on. I might have been able to do it, but it would have put an unnecessary strain on my muscles. Hurting myself is not the goal!

The running book suggests eating a protein bar about 30min after your workout. When we went to Wal*Mart earlier in the week, I picked up a package. I completely spaced it after my Monday workout. However, when I came home this morning, I felt ravenous! Seriously, my stomach was digesting my backbone! After eating one of the bars, I felt really good Definitely a keeper!

After a workout, I'm in a habit of coming home, taking a long bath, and an hour nap before I get hubby for lunch. It was a struggle to make it out of bed . . . I'm thinking about reading a couple of pages and settling down for another nap. If I'm falling asleep typing this, I think my body is trying to tell me something.

Went to the gym for the first time in 2 weeks. Man, I could feel how long it has been. Muscle memory was showing up, which kind of helped my resolve to continue exercising. However, it was working against me They really wanted to get back into the groove of things, but being off the weight machines for so long, I needed to start at a lower weight than usual. A couple of times I had to stop and lower the weights. Sheesh, I was wasted!

I was really excited to jump on the treadmill this morning! It was exhilarating! To tell the truth,I was not disappointed! Even though he says otherwise, I was doing a little huffing and puffing. Honestly, without all the panting, I was still sweating like a pig! At first, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do the run-walk for the full 10min, but it was easy! It was really, really rewarding and encouraging to be able to do the run-walk without killing myself. Even though the running is only for 5-10sec, I still felt as though I was working and pushing myself. This book as be so pumped!!

Haha, being lazy, I decided not to change the weight on the ab machine, and it kicked my ass!! Usually, I have it around 30lbs., but the previous person left it on 70lbs. At 30, I had felt a little bit of a muscle twindge, but nothing really "oh my goodness." Wow, at 70lbs, I really felt it! The weight wasn't too high. I wonder why I never raised it before After that machine and the crunches I did, I could definitely tell I worked them while walking out to the car!

I'm trying to decide if I am going to brave the sidewalks and get some walking done tomorrow. The book suggests that you walk on your off days. Bringing Juneau out with me a couple of times a week (which would give her 2-3 extra walks a week) sounded like a good idea. Working myself, I know that the cold won't be too much of an issue. However, my Doc Marten's have crappy traction and the roads/sidewalks are still kind of messy. I don't know. We'll see how everything goes tomorrow.

After working hard at the gym, I got my hair cut and my eyebrows waxed (man, that was a long time coming!). I feel really good this afternoon! I've been in a real funk these past 2 weeks. It makes a difference getting up and working at the gym! I knew it was helping some of my depression down. But, after today, it is obvious how much it has been doing! I'm excited to finish out my first week with this book!

My new running book was waiting in my mailbox this afternoon!! I sat down and had a chance to look over everything. It makes running look easy! Some of the online tools I was looking at have you alternate between 1min running and 1-2min walking. It seemed easy enough, but I couldn't get a full minute of running!! And it nearly killed me trying to push it that far. In Running: Getting Started, Galloway has you build from a 5-10min period of 5-10sec running and 1-2min walking. With my current level of fitness, this is much more attainable. Actually, it makes me feel really, really empowered!!

Galloway lists a basic 3 week course of running. He has your running 3 days/wk and build up time each day. After completing the 3 weeks, he goes into a 21 week program. He actually splits the 21 weeks into 3 different programs to fit your needs:

• The Gold Program: "For those who have followed the schedule to day, and are feeling strong."
• The Silver Program: "For those who want to increase more slowly and/or have had aches and pains."
• The Fat-Burning Program: "More exercise time. All walks and runs should be done very slowly."

For running in general, he makes it clear not to huff and puff. He talks about the difference between aerobic running and anaerobic running. Even though I have the legs of a sprinter (anaerobic), I want to be able to work on distance and endurance.

In later sections, Galloway talks about the proper nutrition and diet for a runner. He goes into details about why diets don't work, why it is better to eat every 2 hours, the truth behind some of the scams (i.e., low carbs), and the importance of smaller meals. I understood the concept of smaller portion sizes and eating to full; however, I didn't realize that eating 3+ hours between meals caused our starvation mode to kick in.

All of this from just flipping through the book while hubby goofed off on my computer. If you're interested in running, based upon what I already saw, I highly recommend this book!

I am really excited to get started on Monday!