Plus-Sized Pin Up

Why. Sometimes I think that word is loaded. It is filled with so many emotions and words that cannot even be vocalized -- maybe not even fully realized. Why. It's like a shout into the dark where you're unsure whether someone is there to listen. It is said in desperation, just hoping that somewhere, someone will know the answer. And, not even know the answer, give the answer. Remaining unanswered brings feelings of loss, confusion, insecurity . . . Why.

Hubby got fired this evening. It was out of the blue. The boss didn't even have the cahones (sp) to tell him why. We don't know what to do. Prayer seems empty and pointless. We've been praying for months for God to bring me a job. Along with a call from dispatch saying I wasn't hired, hubby gets the axe. I feel so lost. I hazard even saying betrayed. Where is God? Everything is bleak . . . I cannot even see past the immediate . . .

He is heading tomorrow to see if he qualifies for unemployment. After that, we're going to see if we can defer as many loan payments as we can. Student loan starts around the 25th. I have the paperwork to fill out. According to the website, I can get a deferment up to 36mo.

Everything is coming down . . . The walls are closing in . . . I feel so alone and I don't know what to do or where to go. The tears stop for a little while; however, they keep coming back. I'm so scared. It would be nice to just pack up and go, but that isn't an option at the moment. If we sell our house before 3yrs of purchase, we owe the government the $8,000 tax credit for new home owners. Maybe we can squat at my parents' house if everything goes belly up. I don't know . . .

I wish I could curl up in blankets, go to sleep, and wake up to find that this is just a horrible dream.

I should be saying good-bye to week 4 and heading into week 5. Well, it's not happening. I didn't end up finishing out my week 4 on Friday. After an unwanted adventure the previous night, I was left with zero energy. Needless to say, I slept in. Man, did I need it! Then last night, I ended the evening with a migraine from hell! Usually I'm not too light sensitive when I get them, but last night was awful! Several hours after taking Advil, drinking caffeine, and resting, I felt like I had been beat up!

Slipping into a hot bath was a needed retreat. However, instead of snuggling into bed and going to sleep, I got out feeling horribly nauseous. Hubby brought me some pomegranate 7Up to calm my stomach. I decided not to take my medication and sipped the 7Up until my stomach was calm enough to go to sleep.

I don't think I slept well. It was really restless, and it felt as though I woke up several times throughout the night. When my alarm went off this morning, I found that I had horrible night sweats as though I was running a fever. I was also extremely chilled. However, I felt fine. When I got up to get ready for the gym, I found that my bowels (stomach, intestines, etc.) were feeling iffy. It seemed like a good idea to stay home. *sigh* After trying to crawl back into bed twice and being jolted out by a whining dog, I have decided to quit. I'm planning on curling up into a warm blanket on the couch, so I can deal with the dog. Hopefully I'll end up getting more rest.

The weird thing is I don't necessarily feel sick. Yeah I'm chilled and my bowels don't feel good, but it seems to be without the feeling of being sick. It's weird. Hubby had some lower intestinal issues last week without feeling sick, so I wonder if I ended up getting it. *shrug* Who knows. Either way, I'm gonna jump into the last half of week 4 on Wednesday -- provided I feel better -- and start week 5 next week. I'm trying to convince myself not to feel guilty about skipping the gym. My body is just telling me to rest. If I push myself, I'll only end up hurting myself in the long run.

Anyways, I'm going to tuck myself into some warm blankets, snuggle down with a book, and try to feel better.

I got called in for an interview with dispatch on Thursday. They want me to take a test before the interview. According to Angel, in SoCal they did a reading comprehension test, grammar test, map test, and a pseudo-attention test. I got half of it in the bag! Grammar and reading comprehension are my bread and butter! Plus, I've lived here for nearly 25 years, so a map test shouldn't be too much of an issue. Tomorrow I'm going to sit down with a map of the town and test my knowledge.

After my bad interview with the police department, I spend some time doing online studying for effective interviews. I feel a lot more confident about my skills. Hopefully I'll really shine!

Even though I am excited, I'm kind of nervous. A job like dispatch is a big deal! There is no margin of error when dealing with peoples' lives and public safety. But I tell myself to take a deep breath and release the tension and apprehension.

In other new, I really started the week strong! My running book has this as a slower week, so I wasn't pushing up to 35min (total) on the treadmill. I jumped down to 25-30min. Even though it was hard, I was able to pull it off w/o stopping for a break! Here's hoping my Wednesday goes better than last week!

The 4 week program is almost done! After this week, I'll move into his 21 week program. When I'm finished with that, I'm seriously considering getting his 5k/10k running book. I'm so excited! And, when the weather gets nicer, Juneau and I are going to take it outside!! I'll still go into the gym, but running outside will be nice.

Well, week 3 is officially over!

I started the week off really strong. I upped my time into the 20min range. Monday did not herald any shin splints, so I didn't have to stop and shake out my leg during all of my walking time. Wednesday, however, was a different story. I could barely get through the minimum run-walk time, the shins splints came back with a vengeance, and I felt like I ran a damn marathon. After that setback, I finished the week really strong. No shin splints today, no breaks, max run-walk time, lots of sweating, and feeling good!

LoL, now I'm feeling tired and exhausted. Good thing we're at the weekend!! w00t, woot!

I'm sitting here watching Mindfreak with Criss Angel. I was asked to do a book review for someone, so I'm chillin' before I get back into it. You wouldn't think so, but reviewing something takes some time and brain power. I think my energy was also sapped from my brain! Although that could just be because hubby and I just watched an episode of Lost ^_~

Wow, I just started week 3!! It doesn't seem as though it has been that long! Looking back, even though I was increasing my run-walk time, things have been pretty much the same: sweating, shin splints, stopping to shake out my shins, etc. I don't feel any different. However, on Saturday, we took Juneau out to the Greenbelt (a nature walking trail around the town) and we walked a mile w/o any issues. Granted, I took a break to just enjoy the nice weather. My stamina has definitely improved.

Upped my run-walk time to 20min. After the shin splints of the last two weeks, it didn't happen today! I have been taking breaks during the 2min walk, but I didn't this morning. Man, did I want to!! It was really encouraging that I could push through the 20min. Man, I am so beefy

I don't think the interview went well . . . Some of the questions I could not answer. They wanted me to sell myself and I don't know how.

*sigh* There isn't anything I can say. I felt it went badly. I need a job! We cannot default on my loans. Arg, I just want to cry . . . :'(

My dress clothes are cleaned, my legs are shaved, and my skin is a lot better than it has been. I have my interview this afternoon with the police department. I'm really, really nervous! Everyone is convinced that it is a good sign getting the interview, but . . . Dammit, I just need a job! *sigh* I need to just trust God.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I'll let you all know how it goes.