Plus-Sized Pin Up

Why. Sometimes I think that word is loaded. It is filled with so many emotions and words that cannot even be vocalized -- maybe not even fully realized. Why. It's like a shout into the dark where you're unsure whether someone is there to listen. It is said in desperation, just hoping that somewhere, someone will know the answer. And, not even know the answer, give the answer. Remaining unanswered brings feelings of loss, confusion, insecurity . . . Why.

Hubby got fired this evening. It was out of the blue. The boss didn't even have the cahones (sp) to tell him why. We don't know what to do. Prayer seems empty and pointless. We've been praying for months for God to bring me a job. Along with a call from dispatch saying I wasn't hired, hubby gets the axe. I feel so lost. I hazard even saying betrayed. Where is God? Everything is bleak . . . I cannot even see past the immediate . . .

He is heading tomorrow to see if he qualifies for unemployment. After that, we're going to see if we can defer as many loan payments as we can. Student loan starts around the 25th. I have the paperwork to fill out. According to the website, I can get a deferment up to 36mo.

Everything is coming down . . . The walls are closing in . . . I feel so alone and I don't know what to do or where to go. The tears stop for a little while; however, they keep coming back. I'm so scared. It would be nice to just pack up and go, but that isn't an option at the moment. If we sell our house before 3yrs of purchase, we owe the government the $8,000 tax credit for new home owners. Maybe we can squat at my parents' house if everything goes belly up. I don't know . . .

I wish I could curl up in blankets, go to sleep, and wake up to find that this is just a horrible dream.