Plus-Sized Pin Up

God blessed me with sleep free of nightmares. No reliving the accident over and over again. Just sleeping has done a lot to bring me peace. However, I feel kind of hallow. Spent.

When I woke up this morning, I found quite a collection of bruises forming on my left side. I have a few tiny scratches on my left arm and left knee. Another bruise is starting to form above my knee, one on my left shoulder. My butt also feels a little bruised on the left side, and my right arm feels stiff. Really, I've had so much worse injuries. Thinking about what could have happened, it is kind of comical.

My headache turned out to be just that. Taking some Advil and curling up in a blanket on the couch last night made it disappear.

It took until nearly midnight for my exhausted body to decide I was chilled out enough to take a bath and head to bed. After the bath, I was feeling a lot better. Hubby and I even laughed and joked about stuff and procrastinating instead if sleeping. Little Goblin even ventured out to cuddle last night. Since Juneau, she has pretty much stayed in the bedroom. And, even though I want my dog home, it was nice to not deal with the stress. Cats help decompress a lot better than a 9mo old puppy!

We're trying to get our hands on a rental. At the moment, they have nothing in the lot. Hopefully, something will show up around lunch. I really want to get Juneau home. After calling the animal shelter, I feel better. She is a little nervous, but seems okay.

We're also trying to reach the officer we dealt with last night. He never gave us the paperwork we need to fill out (we only found out about it because of the tow truck driver), the truck driver's insurance info, or the claim number. I blame it on Thanksgiving food babies clouding his judgment

Some of hubby's online friends think we should sue the driver. I don't. Aside from the fact that he tried to help us, was apologetic, etc., I feel that suing is telling God that the gift of our lives isn't enough. When face with that, it feels like pure avarice to even consider suing.

*sigh* I need to go get dressed. I really don't have the motivation to get out of my PJs, but I need to. Besides, I need to get my puppy and some Advil for my bruises. Really, it looks like everything is okay. "What if-ing" it to death and going over and over it is pointless and a waste of time. What happened, happened. It's done. Over. Finished. Something bad happened, but God stepped in and used this horrible incident to show us His unending love and mercy. It should stay at that.

I'm home now. We're home now. We're okay, but I still cannot stop crying. I can't help feeling guilty.

On our way home from Thanksgiving with my brother (earlier today), we got t-boned by a semi on I-80. When I was passing the truck, he started to moved into my lane. Hubby who I was sleeping said that when he woke up, the truck was half way or more into my lane. I tried to avoid him, saw I was going off the road, over corrected back into the lane, lost control, the car veered (sp) out in front of the semi, he his the back passenger door, and we rolled.

We're okay. Everyone is okay. My knee is banged up and I have a headache. I'm not sure whether it is from shock wearing off, a headache, or whiplash. Juneau was in the back passenger seat. Thank God for her seat belt! Sadly, she is 45mi away. They had to take her to the Cheyenne animal shelter. Due to insurance and towing, we couldn't get to pick her up before they closed. So, *deep breath* we have to take that drive again . . .

God is good! We should have died. We should have slipped under the truck. We should have numerous other things, but we didn't. After nearly dying in utero (sp), nearly dying in a house fire when I was 11, and this, I cannot -- nay, I will NOT -- deny the existence of God! If it wasn't for him, my family and I wouldn't be together. Hubby and I wouldn't be waiting for pizza, petting kitties, etc. Praise God!

But still . . . the guilt. Still the tears. My mind keeps trying to go to "what if", but I'm trying to distract myself. This post is cathartic in its own right. I just feel as guilty! Looking at the side of the car, I couldn't stop crying. Waiting for our friend to bring us home, I curled in my blanket in the back of his car and cried. While hubby was calling his parents, I picked up my cat and cried into his fur. God, does it ever go away?

After being threatened to getting an obscene tattoo, the bullies didn't stop there:

Fisk allegedly did the actual tattooing. When he was done, he and the others reportedly took the boy outside Johnston’s home where a group of students waited to look and laugh while the victim was forced to drop his pants. Fisk allegedly gave the victim a bag of marijuana as payment for the humiliation.

One of the boys alleged that it was: 1) A joke and 2) He really wanted a tattoo. So four (4)
boys thought it was a good idea to take the child to their basement, held him down, and tattooed his butt. Even though one of the perps' parents admits that what was done to the child was not acceptable, she felt that it wasn't a big deal because it was a joke.

The idea that this was a joke is absurd! I also have a hard time believing that a 14 year-old boy would actually want this obscene tattoo on this butt. Let us assume that the child did want the tattoo, why I was he forced to humiliate himself in front of a school of classmates?

I'm not for a minute suggesting that one form of bullying it better than another, but this is extreme. It costs up to thousands of dollars and a lot of pain to have a tattoo removed!

The parents of his son’s girlfriend reportedly called to say they don’t want the boy contacting her anymore.

While I hope this is true, it seems very unlikely to me. Not only was he tattooed by force, pictures of it were being sent around school, and he was made to drop his pants to a waiting crowd. It was already public and known.

Do I really need to comment on this?

Bullying for any reason must be stopped! It has already led to suicides, school shoots, and God only knows what else!

From the get go, I have been very against weight-loss for body image issues. I will be the first to jump on the bandwagon and admit that I too am harassed by the media and feel as though I should be skinny. However, my question is where does it stop? I am a big proponent of loving who you are where you are. If I cannot love myself at 253lbs., then I cannot love myself at 150lbs. Even looking back at my wedding pictures -- I was closer to 150lbs at the time -- I remember that I was unhappy with my weight, I felt fat at a size 14, and I did a ton of exercise before the wedding in an attempt to drop a size before the wedding-night adventure. Straight to the point, I wasn't happy then. Yet looking back at those now, I was skinny and hot!

Recently there has been a movement for fat acceptance. While this seems like a good thing -- similar to that Dove ad -- many people are rising up against it. I have to wonder, are they doing it because it challenges the popular view or are some people really afraid that it is as devastating as an "anorexia acceptance" movement. I do not mean to imply anything offensive with this statement. I believe very strongly that morbid obesity and anorexia are on the same scale; they are different extremes.

The people who are outspoken about obesity claim that the fat acceptance movement will encourage people to become/stay overweight. I don't know about you, but I don't consciously think, "Gee, I want to get fat today." However, they do have legitimate points. The rise in childhood type two diabetes is a bad thing. It is not okay to sit idly by and watch our children struggle with something that might be able to be prevented. Unfortunately, the con-group cannot stop demonizing and personifying fat. According to an article on CNN, people who believe that they are healthy usually do not spend time going to the doctor or exercising. I can accept that, but it goes both ways. When I worked at the movie theatre, I would watch skinny girls pump butter onto their popcorn (honestly, watching the butter was one of the most disgusting things I had to deal with working there). They would have a large bag of popcorn and half of it would be butter. Why are these girls considered healthy? The answer is simple: they are skinny.

However, Nicholls is still concerned that fat acceptance may send the message that being overweight isn't a health issue.

"As a population, we have moved the yardstick ourselves as what we consider to be a problem and what we don't consider to be a problem," Nicholls says. "We consume processed, high-fat, easily available food and reduce the amount of exercise and activity we perform on a daily basis. There is complacency about developing obesity, and it could suggest that we underestimate what its implications might be."

I can accept that there is a rising trend. I can also accept that fat, at a certain point, greatly increases the chance and occurrence of health problems. However, the approach the con-side is taking to counteract this is beyond disgusting and humiliating!

She's not alone. Lincoln University recently made headlines when the school set up BMI score graduation requirements: Not under 30? No diploma. (Following a public outcry, the university rescinded the rule.) Both Alabama and North Carolina announced they will charge fat state employees an additional monthly fee for health care. And mega-green grocer Whole Foods started up a voluntary employee incentive programone [sic] based, in part, on workers' weights. The lower their BMI, the bigger their discounts.

This attitude is nothing short discriminatory! That doesn’t even go into how sick this response is. I’m not saying that society should promote unhealthy behavior, but they punish people? Do you see the media spearheading a campaign against people with anorexia and/or bulimia? There would be a huge public outcry against raising insurance rates for these victims. And, that’s another thing; people with anorexia and/or bulimia are seen as victims. It is never mentioned that they chose to continue in their behavior patterns. Why, then, are fat people not seen the same way?

When Crystal Renn admitted that she had eating problems, took care of it, and put on some weight, she was chastised by the public. It’s not okay if someone has anorexia, but it’s worse for them to be healthy. To me, the before and after shots speak for themselves; this is what our current view is doing to us.

That’s all well and good, but what does the other side think?

In the Dove ad, the media’s idea of what true beauty and health look like was powerfully questioned. Many women feel as though they cannot measure up to the media’s – and, I hate to say it, even health care’s – skewed view. We constantly compare ourselves to this unreal expectation. To me, this ad was very empowering. The fat acceptance movement is trying to give women – and men – power. Every day it is taken away. Every day they are told that they are not good enough, pretty enough, etc. The fat acceptance movement is trying to counteract the growing trend in bad self-image and discriminatory actions. They are trying to foster happiness, acceptance, and understanding. It has been shown that continual yoyo dieting has contributed to weight gain and has been shown to be bad for a person’s health.

What do I think?

However, research conducted by Steven N. Blair, a professor at the Arnold School of Public Health at the University of South Carolina, suggests that some people can be overweight and healthy (my emphasis). In a 2007 study, he and colleagues found that unfit people over age 60 who were of normal weight had higher mortality rates during the 12-year study than people the same age with higher body-mass indexes (BMIs) who were fit (as measured by a treadmill test).

Here’s the thing: sitting around and eating junk food and is not good! No matter how you want to argue or stretch it, it is not good. And I point my finger at myself when I say this. In most of the articles I have read, across the board, everybody has agreed that exercise and eating right are a few of the keys to health. However, I do find it interesting that it has been proven that fat people – albeit healthy – usually have better health. In most instances, they to do suffer from osteoporosis because of the bone mass. And, interestingly enough, they have a lower risk of heart disease. Hmm, why doesn’t the general public know this? Do I really have to answer that question?

Good self-esteem and body-image are the biggest key to success and health. Without it, we are nowhere. Instead of attacking fat people, we need to reach out to them. At a young age, we need to teach our children to make better choices and to be active. Taking the soda out of schools will not help the issue. Kids are going to get it somewhere else. It is just pushing the issue underground and shows an unwillingness to get to the root of the problem. Telling our children how beautiful they are, how good they are; giving them better food choices and equipping them with tools; and cultivating physical activity will stop the problem of unhealthy children, which leads to unhealthy adults.

The issue is not whether somebody is fat or not. The issue is health. If we continue in these character assassinations in the form of a solution, I predict that we will see a rise in eating disorders – whether anorexia/bulimia or overeating – a generation of people who hate themselves, and maybe even suicide.

Parting words: “You cannot hate people for their own good.”

**When the pictures of me were taken, I felt very, very fat.

Walking to the back door to, once again, open the door for Juneau, I was absently playing with my belt. Running my fingers across the studded metal stars, feeling the divets for the leather cutouts, and slipping my fingers through the belt loops. While doing this, it became immediately clear that something was different. My belt was loose! When I bought this belt, I was unsure whether it would fit correctly. Putting it on the first time was pretty rewarding. Now I could hold up my spiffy, too-large pants. Plus, it has metal stars in it! Anyways, after putting it on for the first time, the belt made it known that it was still snug. However, to finish the story, fingering my belt, I would that there was a good 2 inches between large circumference of my hips and the studded leather. Yes, even on the tightest setting, my belt was very loose. I decided that this explains why I've been so focused on hitching up my pants whenever I move around. Needless to say, that was a neat moment.

The unseasonable warm weather has finally given way to snow. It claimed the sleepy town about a week ago. While exceptionally cold some of the days, it has leaned more towards the warmer side of the spectrum. At times, however, the warmer weather has not helped the roads improve. It was a battle convincing myself the overcome my fear and actually drive the car in the foul conditions. Unfortunately, I was too overrun on Monday to force myself to drive on the roads. Plus, I had been out of Singulair. While it is a valid excuse, I clung to it more than was necessary.

This weekend should see the end of 40 degree weather and allow the snow to herald the way for Thanksgiving. It ought to be fun seeing how many students are trapped in town for the holiday. We are planning on traveling as well. Part of me hopes that the roads are closed. However, it will be nice to get out of the house . . . Out of the town!

Lately, I've been struggling. Struggling with this blog, with weight and weight-loss, life, etc. I want to be healthy and lose weight, but I have been so discouraged by it. I have kept to getting up and going to the gym 3/wk (not the last few). I've lost visible inches, I have more energy, but I would still rather sit around and read a book or take nap. And, with this blog, I don't know what to do. I'm not sure even how to relate my issues, and, when I do, it feels as though I shouldn't. Wasn't this supposed to be a healthy-type blog? But then I tell myself that health is not limited to weight-loss. Health encompasses a whole plethora of things. Weight-loss is only one in that list. As far as life . . . Job . . . I've been looking for work since mid-July. I've had 2 interviews. 2! This is really, really getting me down. My student loan bill comes due in February, and we won't have any money left if I cannot find a job. *sigh* I know that God is faithful, but getting closer to the deadline is making it hard to trust. On top of this, I feel like my marriage and personal life are in a slump. Aside from one person, all of our friends have moved away. Needless to say, every evening is spent with hubby in front of his computer game until after midnight and me watching TV or reading a book. And time with my friends includes texting Angel throughout the day. I love talking to her, but face-to-face interaction would be so much nicer. Ug, I just think life in general is kind of stuck in stagnant pond.

These are the things running through my head the last several weeks. In a lot of ways, it is easier to push them aside and pretend nothing bad is happening. However, there is only so long that things will stay under wrap.

I'm been reading Never Say Diet on and off last night and today. I agree that a lifestyle changes must first come from our way of thinking about things and acceptance. However, while reading, I discovered a few landmines in her thought process. She makes it clear that her motivating factor was based on poor self-image and mind-reading. I have poor self-image, but I know that it won't change when/if I lose weight. I am who I am, with weight or without. And, after thinking about it, my self-image and self-esteem come from something more internal. The weight issue is just adding fuel to the fire.

She mentioned that she didn't like the way people looked at her. Well, how does she know? I don't know about her, but I cannot read peoples' mind. She mentions this as a part of losing control, which she uses as another huge basis for losing weight on her part (w/ diets you just kind of give up and do what they tell you to). But, you know what? I cannot control other people. The only person I can control is myself. It it my choice to look around and interpret everything as negative. Yes, I am guilty of it, but other people do not do it to me. And, if they are thinking bad thoughts, so what? I can either give them/negative feelings power in my life, or I can take charge and refuse to listen to the lies I tell myself. Losing weight/changing your lifestyle should never be about what you perceive others think of you. That is not healthy!

Another pet peeve, she talks about how diets don't work when the force you to eat things you hate. I can accept that; however, she then goes on to discuss how she did not allow anything she liked to enter her mouth. I understand, to a point. Changing your lifestyle and eating habits is not about denial! A balance needs to be made. Okay, you like to eat a slice of cheese cake once in a while. So what? Continued denial will only cause you to want it more. *shrug*

She decided to look at food as being bad. That turned into saying that food was not supposed to be fun; it was only necessary as fuel. Okay, okay, I can see the logic in that. But is food itself really the enemy? Why we chose to not accept our own issues (overeating, binging, etc.) and personify food by projecting these human traits on it? Does it really make weight loss that much better? Blaming something else instead of understanding your part doesn't allow change.

*shrug* These are my thoughts on the what I've read so far. I like the companion book, but I'm not going to follow it to a T. Adding stuff on the stability ball is cool, continue upping my time/intensity on the elliptical machine is good, but I want to stick with the stuff the PT told me to concentrate on. Also, I'm going to take everything at face value. She just provides different ideas and options to follow. Keeping a food journal and monitoring your physical activities are a good thing to keep you focused and accountable.

In less thoughtful news, I really don't want to got to the gym tomorrow! I got over half my tattoo coloured (he wants to do another sitting on Nov. 6), and it HURTS! Just doing simple movements really hurts. It feels bruised, tight, etc. Well, that means I need to be easier on my arm related exercises.

How much of weight issues are rooted in just "settling"? Yes, I need to be able to accept myself the way I am now, but sometimes I feel as though it is settling. "Well, I'm going to be this way forever, so I have got to start learning to live with it/be comfortable with it." That's sad!

When I was little, my mother started reading me The Chronicles of Narnia every night before bed. We never made it through the whole series -- I think because our house burned. I have reread the first two books in the series, but haven't read any of there others. The one thing that really stayed in my memory was the story of Eustace in Voyage of the Dawn Treader. Flipping through my Bible study book, I noticed that she mentions Eustace and his circumstances. It all came back to the fore front of my mind, and it got me really thinking and analyzing things.

Eustace is the cousin of the original children in Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. When we first meet Eustace, many people do not like his attitude. He ends up wandering away and finding a dragon and his gold. Through different circumstances, he ends up becoming the dragon. It changes how he sees the world and helps him gain friends. However, one night Aslan comes to see him. The Lion shows him a bubbling body of water. Eustace hurries to climb into the water. Aslan stops him and says he needs to remove his clothes first. After three times of pulling the scales from his body, Eustace always finds himself a scaled dragon once again. Aslan must remove the scales. The process of removing his clothing was deeply, deeply painful for Eustace to endure. Once he was done, however, Aslan puts him into the spring. He eventually stays as a boy and gets healed.

This story really got me thinking. What is my dragon skin? What am I hiding behind? I try to pull off my scales and follow God, but they continue to come back. Acceptance, diets, weight loss, beauty, etc. are all a form of the dragon scales. God needs to rip away all of these lies I believe. Eustace became used to his circumstances; however, he was so much more than that. At some level, he did learn things as a dragon, but that was not who he was. I think that I have my dragon-periods in which I learn, but then it becomes easier to hide behind it. People didn't like me before, so it is easy for me to be the "fat girl." God wants to take that away from me.

Geneen Roth says it more eloquently than I could:

Diets are based on the unspoken fear that you are a madwoman, a food terrorist, a lunatic. Eventually you will destroy all that you love and so you need to be stopped. The promise of a diet is not only that you will have a different body; it is that in having a different body, you will have a different life. If you hate yourself enough, you will love yourself. It you torture yourself enough, you will become a peaceful, relaxed human being . . . We treat our bodies as if they are the enemy and the only acceptable outcome is annihilation . . . We continue to believe that with a little more self-disgust, we'll prevail. -- Women, Food and God

I try and I try to pull all these self imposed/cultural imposed things about myself. Change is needed, but I cannot do it myself. As Roth says, I only end up doing the negative in order to make a positive. Well, it works in math, doesn't it? Unfortunately, two wrongs will not make a right. I end up abusing myself, chastising myself, hurting myself, denying love given to me because these scales won't come off. No matter how many times I pull them off my body, I find that they are still there. It takes God to pull the actual skin away to show me something new and beautiful. Only after that can I be healed.