Plus-Sized Pin Up

Weigh-in today. I didn't lose any weight, but I didn't gain any either. I just maintained. I was hoping to see some pounds fall away, but, really, this isn't bad. I need to keep reminding myself that this is not about weight loss. Anything I lose is an added bonus, but it's not the focus.

This weekend was not the greatest as far as food goes. Following the direction of Geneen Roth, I had pizza for dinner on Friday. I have been CRAVING it since this thing started. I didn't over eat. We also got Cinnistix, and I LOVE those things. Keeping that in mind, I ate less pizza so I could focus on the sugar. Small victories? I don't know. Anyways, I made a really good lunch yesterday. It was low calorie, and freakin' YUMMY. Nom nom nom! But we went to a movie in the afternoon, and I indulged in dippin' dots and Coke. We hardly ever go to the movie, so I kind of justified it *sheepish grin* And this afternoon we're going out to lunch with Ninja and his sister. The restaurant has my favorite white pizza . . . It has veggies on it!! Haha, I didn't even mention our Sunday tradition -- if we end up going to church. Bagels and coffee!! Arg!

One way or another, I'll survive the rest of the weekend, and make sure to crack down tomorrow. I already have the menu planned, and the food bought. We did find a few little treasures at the store: More ALMONDS! Okay, to be specific, we found different almond flavors. We like the Blue Diamond almonds because of the neat flavors. Hey, I have to eat 28+ almonds to get to 170 calories. That's a LOT of almonds!

Tomorrow I head back to the rec center. I've been dropping the pilates and yoga for the rec center. I need to find a way to work it back in, but I am just so wasted after plugging away for an for an hour.

*sigh* I hear Vash hissing at Juneau. Meaning, she is disturbing them while they are eating (behind a locked door), and Vash is pissed. I better go take care of it and jump into the shower. I'm trying to not think of this weekend as failure, just a learning experience.

I got a late start this morning. After getting to bed late, 6:30 was just too early. Luckily, I got to the gym by 8:45ish. I worked on the stationary bike, the elliptical, and the treadmill again today. The elliptical still enjoys being the bane of my existence! **shakes fist** I did the cardio setting on the treadmill and speed 2 (30min mile, I think . . . not really fast :P), and it kicked my ass. By the time I was done, you could have wrung me out like a soaked washcloth. It felt awesome! I'm really starting to enjoy my time there. Plus, coming up with playlists is fun! I wish working at the student radio station and playing heavy metal 2x/wk. It is so much fun playing around with iTunes and such ^_^

We went in to see our psych nurse this afternoon. She told me that I looked as though I had lost a lot of weight *squeal* She (and our marriage counselor) also commented on how happy I looked. I mentioned this to my husband and wondered whether the move from Depo the the Nuva Ring might be the cause. Depo shot my hormones out of order (not to mention 100+lbs gained!). He said that cooking/eating at home almost every meal and starting to exercise 5 days/wk really has lifted my spirits! Yay!! I feel so encouraged! *^_^*

I know I won't see a ton of changes all at once, but I keep getting my hopes up :P Crazy me!

In other news, I really, really want to be able to fit in these clothes!! That would be effing awesome! On a strange question, does it make a difference wearing high heels when you're bigger vs. when you're smaller? I've always been better in chunkier heels. As part of this process, I want to train myself to be able to wear high heels for extended time. These little beauties are my favorite!

Friday Challenge: Go to YouTube and turn on Dancing With Myself (the Billy Idol original or the cover by The Donnas -- my fav) and dance around the house! Fun!

The last few weeks have shown me that I am a snackaholic. For whatever reason, I just snack and snack and snack. My favorite item of choice: Just about anything with grease (yummy!). I've been having a great deal of issues because I just want to snack. Right now for instance, I want to go pop of healthy popcorn, but I'm really not hungry. Hmm . . .

Sitting here watching the remake of Friday the 13th and trying to figure out this revelation. In Women, Food and God, Roth talks about "us" being obsessed with food. She states that, deep down, we eat for some deeper meaning in an attempt to not deal with it. At some level, I agree. In my case, I realized I was bored. Yeah, I enjoy the crap I'm watching, but I just eat. Digging into this, I think it started out as boredom, watching movies at the theater, and eating meals while in front of the TV. For me I think it has become a force of habit. At the moment, my brain (?)/ingrained habits are telling me that I need to snack. RIGHT NOW!!! But when I stop and listen to my body, I'm not hungry. Eating the same amount as dinner last night, I felt stuffed! It was only one patty of the meatloaf rounds, but it felt as though I ate a freaking feast! I even decided to try Pepsi Max, but it took forever to drink it due to my fullness level.

I found drink water, but I'm too full to even do that! This is insane!

Do any of your guys have this problem? How do you deal with it?

I was just messing around on the 'net reading *BitchCakes*, and decided to take a look at Zumba on YouTube. It looks awesome! I thought about buying one of the DVDs when I bought the DVD to Punk Rope, but THEY HAVE A CLASS HERE!! Even though this is a university town, we're still pretty backwater on a lot of things. However, they have ZUMBA classes every Tuesday evening from 5:30 - 6:30. Since I don't like trying things new by myself, I talked my husband into going with me. He is taking ballet classes from the local dance center, so I thought he might be willing to try. If not, I might be able to convince Ninja to come . . . . If he has not dance classes on Tuesday. (That boy dances like a MADMAN!) I is so pumped ^______^

In other news, I ended up eating Toxic Smell for lunch (and drinking wild cherry Pepsi as I type). After coming home from the gym, I crashed on the couch and slept for nearly 3 hours!!! Is that normal? (side note, I didn't get to sleep until after midnight) By the time I had to pick hubby up, there was no time to make the patties and cook them for 20min. He had to get back to work. I'm going to make them for dinner tonight. We were planning on grabbing something for lunch tomorrow because of our psych appointment, but I am cracking down and making myself eat the leftovers of the patties. On Friday, he desperately wants to go to lunch at the local vegetarian place. I'm not sure what they are like as far as calorie intake, but everything is freshly made. That's gotta be better than your typical restaurant.

I keep freaking out and feeling guilty, but I keep reminding myself that this isn't a diet. It is about finding balance in the way I eat. If we eat out occasionally and I limit my soda intake to those times, I'm still eating well. Plus, continuing the exercise will only help.

Haha, I definitely need to get in shape! The elliptical machine proved that this morning. After battling with the programs on it for while, I decided that I would warm up on the stationary bike. In that way, my legs are powerful, so I usually avoid it for other leg exercises. Anyways, in about 15min I went 7mi on the bike. Sadly, I had to take several breaks because my foot was trying to cramp or something in the middle. I needed to stop many times to stretch it out. I tried different leg pressure, foot placement on the peddle, etc. *shrug* It sucked, but pumping out 7mi in 15min ROCKS!! After that, I tried the elliptical machine again . . . You had to start using the machine before the program/controls would turn on. Trying to move the "peddles" and focus on the controls make is very hard NOT to throw yourself off! It was a struggle trying to get it to work. After that, maybe 5min!!!! Only 5min!! Epic fail :( I finished my hour on the treadmill doing the cardio program.

All in all, it was all good. I'm definitely going back tomorrow. I forgot to ask about the personal trainer, so I'll get that done when I head back in. I'm excited, but kind of nervous about it! I'm very out of shape and I have sports induced asthma (it is not limited to sports), and that makes everything worse. The personal trainer should know how to work around those two things.

Once my ink heals and the whirl pool is open, my gym visits will end there . . . Awwwww . . . So far, even though I was kind of anxious about going by myself, everything turned out pretty well! Me excited about the gym!

Braiiiiiins . . . Wait, I'm too damn wasted to go after brains. What kind of zombified woman am I?

Elliptical machine, you are the bane of my existence! I shall conquer you!!

First day at gym =! energy
First say at gym == zombification

Now . . . naaaaaap . . . .


** =! means, "does not equal to" in programing lingo. == means, "equal to" in programing lingo**

• Run to the Hills - Iron Maiden
• Dr Feelgood - Motely Crue
• Breaking the Law - Judas Priest
• Highway to Hell - Marilyn Mason (Yes, it is a cover of AC/DC, but it's good)
• Iron Man - Ozzy Osbourne
• Ace of Spades - Motorhead
• Welcome to the Jungle - Guns 'n Roses
• Blackout - Scorpions
• Rainbow in the Dark - Dio
• Live Wire - Motley Crue
• Crazy Train - Ozzy Osbourne
• Stone Cold Crazy - Metallica (yes, another cover)
• Bodies - Drowning Pool
• The Beautiful People - Marilyn Manson
• Hero - Skillet
• Hit the Floor - Bullet for My Valentine
• Expendable Youth - Slayer

That's about an hour of music. I'm hoping to make cardio last that long. Since it has been awhile, I know that I will need to go at a slower pace -- at first. Man, I have never been so excited to go to the gym!! w00t!

I just read Kendra's post, and it made be start to lament the process of eventual weight loss (remember, I'm not trying to have a goal of overall weight loss). I don't want to miss my boobs! They are my one vanity -- aside from my kickin' calves!! Even though shopping for bras is an issue and I end up spending a lot, I still love them! Damn, I fill out a shirt well! Before way too much weight found itself on my body, I had to wear a size 22 just because of my babies :P

Yes, I am loath to admit, they are rather saggy-ish. But I figure that is due to their size. *shrug* I don't want them to end up looking deflated and saggy! *cry* I'm hoping I'm still young enough that the elasticity of my skin has not gone. Please, God, let me keep my rack intact!

Moment of Truth: I had Little Caesar's for dinner and a nice tall glass of wild cherry Pepsi. After yoga, I finished some leftovers from last night's dinner (I still have another 4 to fry up for lunch tomorrow). In addition, I also worked doing cleaning at my parents' house. It was a slip, but it's not happening all the time.

In Women, Food and God, Roth talks about eating what you want. But where is the balance? What if I am always craving Twix or Reese's Cups? It is not good to eat due to boredom, when you're not hungry, etc., but where is the line? *shrug* I'm still trying to figure this thing out . . .

Due to wake-up set backs, I didn't get out to the rec center this morning. I'm planning on pumping a kick-ass playlists tonight in anticipation of going tomorrow morning! I'll double check about the personal trainer. So pumped!!

Plan: Get up early enough to get the cats fed, take my hubby to work, and hit the rec center! Cardio room, here I come! LMAO, I should make sure to turn on out hot tub tonight with plans to soak away my stiffness. Ahhhhh, hooooot tuuuuub. Kind of like zombies and braiiiiiiiiins ^_~

Even though Mythbusters has proven that the old adage is not possible, I feel as though I hit the ground running when I started this week. After the snackage fail that is known as yesterday, it was nice to hit such a high streak.

I hate gender generalizations. You know, all the women are this, all the men are this . . . I don't like them because I think they put people in a box, forcing them to fit into social confines, or statistics, or studies, rather than just who they are ¹

I think this is also true of stereotypes. They have become like a gilded cage. We are all trapped in this society construct of who we are, who we should be, what clothes we need to wear, etc. Here is my favorite, "You're fat so you must be unhealthy." What does being fat have to do with overall health? I'm fat. I accept that. I have a more sedentary lifestyle, which helps contribute to the problem. However, my blood chemistry is awesome. Perfect cholesterol, heart in the top 20 of heart health, blood pressure rockin', etc. To me, that does not sound unhealthy. Why is health not based on our spiritual well being, or emotional, or whatever?

My yoga DVD talks about breathing and filling "out the shape that you are." While I was driving today, I realized that I don't feel fat. But I constantly judge how people are going to respond to me. I felt as though I was being judged when hubby and I went to get a tour of the rec center. "Oh, she's fat." Part of me felt as though people were laughing and sneering at me for my physical state. Then I ask myself why do I care. Their opinion and view are theirs. I cannot change what the perceive, what they see. I can only change myself.

But, when I find myself feeling exceptionally sexy or powerful, I walk by a mirror and I'm undone. Do I really look that fat?! Is that really me. I don't feel that fat. My husband always tells me that I am beautiful, sexy, desirable, but I cannot hear it. I sabotage myself and cripple my small self esteem. Even after being married for 7 years, I have a hard time getting into some cute negligee. I imagine how I look it them and can see only fat: a sagging stomach, flappy arms, thunder thighs.

I tell them [conference attendees] that if compulsive eating is anything, it's a way we leave ourselves when life gets hard. When we don't want to notice what is going on. Compulsive eating is a way we distance ourselves from the way things are when they are not how we want them to be. I tell them that ending obsession with food is all about the capacity to stay in the present moment. To no leave themselves. I tell them that they don't have to make a choice between losing weight and doing this. Weight loss is the easy part; anytime you truly listen to your hunger and fullness, you lose weight. But I also tell them that compulsive eating is basically a refusal to be fully alive. No matter what we weigh, those of us who are compulsive eaters have anorexia of the soul. We refuse to take in what sustains us. We live lives of deprivation. And when we can't stand it any longer, we binge . . .Resigning yourself to the endless struggle with food so you never have to take the dive into the meaning of it all. Or discover who you are, what your relationships can be without the drama of food. ²

For the longest time, I didn't believe that this applies to me. Thinking about it now, if it didn't apply to me, why am I unable to "fill the shape that I am"? Since my main focus is on overall health, I need to address the real issue behind my obsession with food. I need to delve into my feeingls of inadequacy and lack of self worth. No matter what size I am, no matter what I eat, if I don't address these issues, I will continue to fail.

Even though weight loss would be nice, I need to remind myself that I am in this for health. I am tired of living in this place refusing to face my problems and demons.

As Angel always tells me, "Warning: Sexy curves ahead!"

In less of an introspective state of mind, we got a tour of the rec center. The facilities are 100% better than they were the last time I had a tour. They added more weight-machines and the cardio section is a lot bigger as well. They also have a hot tub. It would be awesome to workout, slip into my swim suit, and left the warmth of the water relax my muscles. Oh, they also gave me a free gift for getting a membership. I chose a meeting with a personal trainer to determine and exercise program that is centered on me and my needs. I'm excited!


¹ Transparency by Sarah Zacharias Davis
² Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth