Plus-Sized Pin Up

God blessed me with sleep free of nightmares. No reliving the accident over and over again. Just sleeping has done a lot to bring me peace. However, I feel kind of hallow. Spent.

When I woke up this morning, I found quite a collection of bruises forming on my left side. I have a few tiny scratches on my left arm and left knee. Another bruise is starting to form above my knee, one on my left shoulder. My butt also feels a little bruised on the left side, and my right arm feels stiff. Really, I've had so much worse injuries. Thinking about what could have happened, it is kind of comical.

My headache turned out to be just that. Taking some Advil and curling up in a blanket on the couch last night made it disappear.

It took until nearly midnight for my exhausted body to decide I was chilled out enough to take a bath and head to bed. After the bath, I was feeling a lot better. Hubby and I even laughed and joked about stuff and procrastinating instead if sleeping. Little Goblin even ventured out to cuddle last night. Since Juneau, she has pretty much stayed in the bedroom. And, even though I want my dog home, it was nice to not deal with the stress. Cats help decompress a lot better than a 9mo old puppy!

We're trying to get our hands on a rental. At the moment, they have nothing in the lot. Hopefully, something will show up around lunch. I really want to get Juneau home. After calling the animal shelter, I feel better. She is a little nervous, but seems okay.

We're also trying to reach the officer we dealt with last night. He never gave us the paperwork we need to fill out (we only found out about it because of the tow truck driver), the truck driver's insurance info, or the claim number. I blame it on Thanksgiving food babies clouding his judgment

Some of hubby's online friends think we should sue the driver. I don't. Aside from the fact that he tried to help us, was apologetic, etc., I feel that suing is telling God that the gift of our lives isn't enough. When face with that, it feels like pure avarice to even consider suing.

*sigh* I need to go get dressed. I really don't have the motivation to get out of my PJs, but I need to. Besides, I need to get my puppy and some Advil for my bruises. Really, it looks like everything is okay. "What if-ing" it to death and going over and over it is pointless and a waste of time. What happened, happened. It's done. Over. Finished. Something bad happened, but God stepped in and used this horrible incident to show us His unending love and mercy. It should stay at that.

I'm home now. We're home now. We're okay, but I still cannot stop crying. I can't help feeling guilty.

On our way home from Thanksgiving with my brother (earlier today), we got t-boned by a semi on I-80. When I was passing the truck, he started to moved into my lane. Hubby who I was sleeping said that when he woke up, the truck was half way or more into my lane. I tried to avoid him, saw I was going off the road, over corrected back into the lane, lost control, the car veered (sp) out in front of the semi, he his the back passenger door, and we rolled.

We're okay. Everyone is okay. My knee is banged up and I have a headache. I'm not sure whether it is from shock wearing off, a headache, or whiplash. Juneau was in the back passenger seat. Thank God for her seat belt! Sadly, she is 45mi away. They had to take her to the Cheyenne animal shelter. Due to insurance and towing, we couldn't get to pick her up before they closed. So, *deep breath* we have to take that drive again . . .

God is good! We should have died. We should have slipped under the truck. We should have numerous other things, but we didn't. After nearly dying in utero (sp), nearly dying in a house fire when I was 11, and this, I cannot -- nay, I will NOT -- deny the existence of God! If it wasn't for him, my family and I wouldn't be together. Hubby and I wouldn't be waiting for pizza, petting kitties, etc. Praise God!

But still . . . the guilt. Still the tears. My mind keeps trying to go to "what if", but I'm trying to distract myself. This post is cathartic in its own right. I just feel as guilty! Looking at the side of the car, I couldn't stop crying. Waiting for our friend to bring us home, I curled in my blanket in the back of his car and cried. While hubby was calling his parents, I picked up my cat and cried into his fur. God, does it ever go away?

11/24/10
Strength

• Lateral Pulldown: 2 sets, 10 reps
• Shoulder Press: 2 sets, 10 reps
• Seated Row: 2 sets, 10 reps
• Machine Fly: 2 sets, 10 reps

Cardio

• Upright Bike: 30min, light-moderate resistance

Cool Down

• Full Body Stretching: 10-15min
• Sit Ups: 10reps

Observations:

• The upright bike is not really giving me a workout. Even with resistance and peddling my heart out, it doesn't even get close to my target heart rate. A few of 5k training things said that working on a stationary bike -- building as I go -- is preferred. I don't know . . . I'm not getting anything out of it. I'm not sweating. My heart rate is down. I'm not panting. At that point, what is the point of cardio? Next week I am moving to intense walking and working up to jogging.
• Focusing on one muscle group at a time is cool. I feel as though I am getting a more well-rounded workout.
  
• Making sure to do my stretching after weight training has been making a difference. The trainer had me do it in the middle, but I read it was better if it came at the end. While I was sore in my legs yesterday, it was a little twinge thanks to switching things up

After being threatened to getting an obscene tattoo, the bullies didn't stop there:

Fisk allegedly did the actual tattooing. When he was done, he and the others reportedly took the boy outside Johnston’s home where a group of students waited to look and laugh while the victim was forced to drop his pants. Fisk allegedly gave the victim a bag of marijuana as payment for the humiliation.

One of the boys alleged that it was: 1) A joke and 2) He really wanted a tattoo. So four (4)
boys thought it was a good idea to take the child to their basement, held him down, and tattooed his butt. Even though one of the perps' parents admits that what was done to the child was not acceptable, she felt that it wasn't a big deal because it was a joke.

The idea that this was a joke is absurd! I also have a hard time believing that a 14 year-old boy would actually want this obscene tattoo on this butt. Let us assume that the child did want the tattoo, why I was he forced to humiliate himself in front of a school of classmates?

I'm not for a minute suggesting that one form of bullying it better than another, but this is extreme. It costs up to thousands of dollars and a lot of pain to have a tattoo removed!

The parents of his son’s girlfriend reportedly called to say they don’t want the boy contacting her anymore.

While I hope this is true, it seems very unlikely to me. Not only was he tattooed by force, pictures of it were being sent around school, and he was made to drop his pants to a waiting crowd. It was already public and known.

Do I really need to comment on this?

Bullying for any reason must be stopped! It has already led to suicides, school shoots, and God only knows what else!

11/23
Strength

• Leg Abductor: 2 sets, 12 reps
• Leg Adductor: 2 sets, 12 reps
• Leg Press: 2 sets, 10 reps

Cardio

• Upright Bike: 20min, light-moderate resistance

Cool Down

• Full Body Stretching: 10-15min

I started working on building my endurance and singling out muscle groups one at a time. Tomorrow, I'm bumping up the biking time by 10min and raising the resistance. I'm also going to work my chest, back, and shoulder muscle groups.

When I got on the adductor, I was generous with my weights and put it around 50lbs. Damn, it felt like I was lifting 2lbs expecting it to be heavier. I pushed up the weight a couple of times and settled for 100lbs. It was still pretty easy. On my second set, I left it on the previous person's settings, so it was 115lbs. I'm sore, but I could up the weights probably another good 10lbs. before I feel as though I working. Man, I was pumped figuring that out! Usually, I am pretty strong on my leg press, but I'm still sitting at 90lbs.

With the window quickly shrinking, I'm not going to apply for the police job. If they extend the deadline, I'll go ahead with the plan. One way or the other, I am planning on taking the POST exam in case this is something I want to pursue in the future. The 12/3 date is too close. I'm having issues trying to get my hands on proof of my GED and finding time to head over to Cheyenne (about 45min away) for the exam. At this point, I'm going to focus on applying as seasonal help at places like Hastings, Wal*Mart, etc.

. . . Why not?

Since some time in August, exercise has revolved around shredding it on the elliptical machine, 10-15 min of stretching, and ending with weights (I used to end on the treadmill, but I admit to laziness and lack of motivation). However, a job prospect has caught my attention (I'll talk more about this later), and it got me thinking about running. Reading through these inspirational weight-loss blogs, a common theme was running a 5k/marathon. Even one of a former co-worker lost all of her weight by running. And, you know what, I've never been a real big runner. I never got it. It never appealed to me. I'm a sprinter. I have the legs of a sprinter. I'm fast (lol, I used to be).

What's the point of all of this?

Weather and roads permitting, I am starting to work up for a 5k. After spending some time on the internet, I've found some pretty good resources for us "couch surfers" to start the process. They all look really encouraging. After spending approx. 3 months at the gym will give me a leg up. I'm already in the habit of going to the gym 3x/wk, working hard on cardio, strength training, etc.

But, even after all this pep-talk, I'm afraid that I'm getting ahead of myself. That I am expecting too much out of myself and the fitness level I am at. I'm worried that I will lose my drive and not continue with it. However, losing my "running drive" will not force me out of the gym. Even with these doubts and worries running through my head, I have been telling myself, "Whatever. I don't know. What I do know: We're going for it!" The worst that could happen is returning to the elliptical machine.

This job prospect made itself known to me while I was applying for the community service officer. The workforce center though I might be required to fill out a police packet as my app. While filling that out, it caught my attention that the only requirements for applying for a position as a police officer was taking the POST exam and graduating high school. Earlier this afternoon, my hubby suggested I apply for it. After some research online, I found info and practice exams for POST. The exam consists of math, reading comp, and grammar. I missed one question and completed it with time to spare.

This position got me thinking about my physical fitness level. It got me looking at running and working up to it. It feels like a good route to go.

At the moment, I am trying to get my GED together, so I can prove that I got an equivalent to a HS diploma. I have to have the exam taken, proof together, and submit everything by the 12/3. I'm not sure if I am going to have enough time Either way, I'm still working on running.

Juneau has been watching me from her chair. I think she is reading my mind. She is looking at me expecting something. She knows that running will probably more than likely lead to running with her. However, I'm starting out in the rec center first ^_~

From the get go, I have been very against weight-loss for body image issues. I will be the first to jump on the bandwagon and admit that I too am harassed by the media and feel as though I should be skinny. However, my question is where does it stop? I am a big proponent of loving who you are where you are. If I cannot love myself at 253lbs., then I cannot love myself at 150lbs. Even looking back at my wedding pictures -- I was closer to 150lbs at the time -- I remember that I was unhappy with my weight, I felt fat at a size 14, and I did a ton of exercise before the wedding in an attempt to drop a size before the wedding-night adventure. Straight to the point, I wasn't happy then. Yet looking back at those now, I was skinny and hot!

Recently there has been a movement for fat acceptance. While this seems like a good thing -- similar to that Dove ad -- many people are rising up against it. I have to wonder, are they doing it because it challenges the popular view or are some people really afraid that it is as devastating as an "anorexia acceptance" movement. I do not mean to imply anything offensive with this statement. I believe very strongly that morbid obesity and anorexia are on the same scale; they are different extremes.

The people who are outspoken about obesity claim that the fat acceptance movement will encourage people to become/stay overweight. I don't know about you, but I don't consciously think, "Gee, I want to get fat today." However, they do have legitimate points. The rise in childhood type two diabetes is a bad thing. It is not okay to sit idly by and watch our children struggle with something that might be able to be prevented. Unfortunately, the con-group cannot stop demonizing and personifying fat. According to an article on CNN, people who believe that they are healthy usually do not spend time going to the doctor or exercising. I can accept that, but it goes both ways. When I worked at the movie theatre, I would watch skinny girls pump butter onto their popcorn (honestly, watching the butter was one of the most disgusting things I had to deal with working there). They would have a large bag of popcorn and half of it would be butter. Why are these girls considered healthy? The answer is simple: they are skinny.

However, Nicholls is still concerned that fat acceptance may send the message that being overweight isn't a health issue.

"As a population, we have moved the yardstick ourselves as what we consider to be a problem and what we don't consider to be a problem," Nicholls says. "We consume processed, high-fat, easily available food and reduce the amount of exercise and activity we perform on a daily basis. There is complacency about developing obesity, and it could suggest that we underestimate what its implications might be."

I can accept that there is a rising trend. I can also accept that fat, at a certain point, greatly increases the chance and occurrence of health problems. However, the approach the con-side is taking to counteract this is beyond disgusting and humiliating!

She's not alone. Lincoln University recently made headlines when the school set up BMI score graduation requirements: Not under 30? No diploma. (Following a public outcry, the university rescinded the rule.) Both Alabama and North Carolina announced they will charge fat state employees an additional monthly fee for health care. And mega-green grocer Whole Foods started up a voluntary employee incentive programone [sic] based, in part, on workers' weights. The lower their BMI, the bigger their discounts.

This attitude is nothing short discriminatory! That doesn’t even go into how sick this response is. I’m not saying that society should promote unhealthy behavior, but they punish people? Do you see the media spearheading a campaign against people with anorexia and/or bulimia? There would be a huge public outcry against raising insurance rates for these victims. And, that’s another thing; people with anorexia and/or bulimia are seen as victims. It is never mentioned that they chose to continue in their behavior patterns. Why, then, are fat people not seen the same way?

When Crystal Renn admitted that she had eating problems, took care of it, and put on some weight, she was chastised by the public. It’s not okay if someone has anorexia, but it’s worse for them to be healthy. To me, the before and after shots speak for themselves; this is what our current view is doing to us.

That’s all well and good, but what does the other side think?

In the Dove ad, the media’s idea of what true beauty and health look like was powerfully questioned. Many women feel as though they cannot measure up to the media’s – and, I hate to say it, even health care’s – skewed view. We constantly compare ourselves to this unreal expectation. To me, this ad was very empowering. The fat acceptance movement is trying to give women – and men – power. Every day it is taken away. Every day they are told that they are not good enough, pretty enough, etc. The fat acceptance movement is trying to counteract the growing trend in bad self-image and discriminatory actions. They are trying to foster happiness, acceptance, and understanding. It has been shown that continual yoyo dieting has contributed to weight gain and has been shown to be bad for a person’s health.

What do I think?

However, research conducted by Steven N. Blair, a professor at the Arnold School of Public Health at the University of South Carolina, suggests that some people can be overweight and healthy (my emphasis). In a 2007 study, he and colleagues found that unfit people over age 60 who were of normal weight had higher mortality rates during the 12-year study than people the same age with higher body-mass indexes (BMIs) who were fit (as measured by a treadmill test).

Here’s the thing: sitting around and eating junk food and is not good! No matter how you want to argue or stretch it, it is not good. And I point my finger at myself when I say this. In most of the articles I have read, across the board, everybody has agreed that exercise and eating right are a few of the keys to health. However, I do find it interesting that it has been proven that fat people – albeit healthy – usually have better health. In most instances, they to do suffer from osteoporosis because of the bone mass. And, interestingly enough, they have a lower risk of heart disease. Hmm, why doesn’t the general public know this? Do I really have to answer that question?

Good self-esteem and body-image are the biggest key to success and health. Without it, we are nowhere. Instead of attacking fat people, we need to reach out to them. At a young age, we need to teach our children to make better choices and to be active. Taking the soda out of schools will not help the issue. Kids are going to get it somewhere else. It is just pushing the issue underground and shows an unwillingness to get to the root of the problem. Telling our children how beautiful they are, how good they are; giving them better food choices and equipping them with tools; and cultivating physical activity will stop the problem of unhealthy children, which leads to unhealthy adults.

The issue is not whether somebody is fat or not. The issue is health. If we continue in these character assassinations in the form of a solution, I predict that we will see a rise in eating disorders – whether anorexia/bulimia or overeating – a generation of people who hate themselves, and maybe even suicide.

Parting words: “You cannot hate people for their own good.”

**When the pictures of me were taken, I felt very, very fat.

Walking to the back door to, once again, open the door for Juneau, I was absently playing with my belt. Running my fingers across the studded metal stars, feeling the divets for the leather cutouts, and slipping my fingers through the belt loops. While doing this, it became immediately clear that something was different. My belt was loose! When I bought this belt, I was unsure whether it would fit correctly. Putting it on the first time was pretty rewarding. Now I could hold up my spiffy, too-large pants. Plus, it has metal stars in it! Anyways, after putting it on for the first time, the belt made it known that it was still snug. However, to finish the story, fingering my belt, I would that there was a good 2 inches between large circumference of my hips and the studded leather. Yes, even on the tightest setting, my belt was very loose. I decided that this explains why I've been so focused on hitching up my pants whenever I move around. Needless to say, that was a neat moment.

The unseasonable warm weather has finally given way to snow. It claimed the sleepy town about a week ago. While exceptionally cold some of the days, it has leaned more towards the warmer side of the spectrum. At times, however, the warmer weather has not helped the roads improve. It was a battle convincing myself the overcome my fear and actually drive the car in the foul conditions. Unfortunately, I was too overrun on Monday to force myself to drive on the roads. Plus, I had been out of Singulair. While it is a valid excuse, I clung to it more than was necessary.

This weekend should see the end of 40 degree weather and allow the snow to herald the way for Thanksgiving. It ought to be fun seeing how many students are trapped in town for the holiday. We are planning on traveling as well. Part of me hopes that the roads are closed. However, it will be nice to get out of the house . . . Out of the town!

Lately, I've been struggling. Struggling with this blog, with weight and weight-loss, life, etc. I want to be healthy and lose weight, but I have been so discouraged by it. I have kept to getting up and going to the gym 3/wk (not the last few). I've lost visible inches, I have more energy, but I would still rather sit around and read a book or take nap. And, with this blog, I don't know what to do. I'm not sure even how to relate my issues, and, when I do, it feels as though I shouldn't. Wasn't this supposed to be a healthy-type blog? But then I tell myself that health is not limited to weight-loss. Health encompasses a whole plethora of things. Weight-loss is only one in that list. As far as life . . . Job . . . I've been looking for work since mid-July. I've had 2 interviews. 2! This is really, really getting me down. My student loan bill comes due in February, and we won't have any money left if I cannot find a job. *sigh* I know that God is faithful, but getting closer to the deadline is making it hard to trust. On top of this, I feel like my marriage and personal life are in a slump. Aside from one person, all of our friends have moved away. Needless to say, every evening is spent with hubby in front of his computer game until after midnight and me watching TV or reading a book. And time with my friends includes texting Angel throughout the day. I love talking to her, but face-to-face interaction would be so much nicer. Ug, I just think life in general is kind of stuck in stagnant pond.

These are the things running through my head the last several weeks. In a lot of ways, it is easier to push them aside and pretend nothing bad is happening. However, there is only so long that things will stay under wrap.

Okay, I admit it. I have been absent for quite some time. Any excuses or reasons? Not really. I think I've just been burnt out on everything. I've been sick, looking for work, watching Avatar: The Last Airbender on Netflix, reading, and playing around with my resume and writing endless cover letters. I don't know. I think I'm bored with the computer. In essence, life has been happening. Sometimes it is really sneaky and jumps in front of you.

I haven't kept up with my smart eating. I have still been making a lot of the lower calorie food, but I haven't practiced my good eating habits outside of that. Haha, I say this while I am drinking a Starbuck's frappacino. Even though I've kind of flopped there, the gym is still in full force. However, this weekend I came down with a cold and missed Monday's gym time. Walking around Hastings on Sunday, I discovered that it was really causing my asthma to act up. I was panting, having a hard time breathing, lightheadedness, etc. So when Wednesday rolled around, I decided hitting the cardio as hard as normal was a bad idea. Jumped on the recumbent bike for awhile (reading was nice a relaxing while peddling away) and concluded with stretches.

After this afternoon, I've had two job interviews. Both at the same location. One was working for janitorial and the other was student financial aide. The janitorial position could take approximately 6 weeks to get a call back. The other job will let me know ont he week of the 15th if I am called back for a second interview. This latest interview felt as though it went pretty well. Haha, I even outdressed the people who worked there! That has got to count for something ^_~

I would much rather work with financial services. It would be less demanding due to the hours -- *ahem* no night hours.

Aside from that, I have a TON of applications out there and received no call-backs. Student loan payments start in Feb. I'm nervous.

Ug, this is a recap of the previous post. Only minor updates. My life is boring. I've been unmotivated to do much. Looking for work, reading, watching TV, and crocheting a baby blanket for my niece have taken up my time. It doesn't feel this way, but it seems as though I am stuck in a rut. And the worst part: I really don't give a damn.

That reminds me! I need to turn in two applciations to the workforce center and take the typing test. Hopefully something good will come from either the student finacial aide position or the two with the city/county I'm turning in tomorrow. *crosses fingers*