Plus-Sized Pin Up

After some thought, I decided yo break down and buy Never Say Diet Again by Chantel Hobbs (as well as the personal fitness trainer companion). After reading about the book on Amazon (would you believe that I had never heard of her before?), it looked as though it might be a nice thing to try.

The failures of the past several weeks -- probably month -- I decided that I need to start over. I'm not waiting for the bandwagon to come by and pick me up, I'm putting my foot down and making a firm stance in my decision to life a healthy life. Yes, I believe that you don't need to be a size 6 to be healthy, but I wouldn't be too bad ^_~ LoL, my bones will never be small enough for a size 6. My momma blessed me with childbearing hips ^_^

Anyways, I read the first chapter of the book. She listed questions to provoke thought. Since keeping a journal helps show progress, it has also forced me to be transparent and really look at myself. Also, so many of the ladies in the blogosphere have been such an encouragement, and I want to be able to give that back. Well, back to the point, I'm officially starting on Monday (starting at the beginning of weeks are always better for me). However, I just wanted to take a moment and reflect on her questions.

Beyond losing weight, what do you most want to change about your life?
Honestly, I think it would be overall health. Coming from a long line of diabetes and stress induced heart disease, I don't want to open the door and invite that crap into my life. Also, I want to be able to go running with my hubby and puppy without dying from being out of shape or from my asthma. Getting healthy will help me get better control over that issue.

Are you willing to do whatever it takes to see certain areas of your life undergo radical change? If you're not yet willing, what is holding you back?
I don't know if this has fully sunk into my brain. Having an English degree, I can read the words, tell you what they mean, etc. However, there are a lot of issues that go into them. Yes, I want to undergo a change. And, yes, I can say I'm willing to do whatever it takes. However, I'm not sure if it has sunk into my brain fully . . .

As far as fear . . . I don't know. I'm afraid of stepping outside of my comfort zone and admitting that there is a problem. If I deny it, then I can go back to my blissful ignorance. However, doing that will result and diabetes and other health issues. I also do not feel as though I am good enough. Am I really worth it? My rational side says, "yes!" But my emotions tell me "no."

When you gained weight in the past, what factors caused you to lose your focus on health?
It was too hard, too much work, and not worth it. When it was discovered that Depo upped me blood pressure, I decided to leave all salt behind and say hello to a new diet. Yeah, that worked . . . For what, two minutes? I felt overwhelmed and discouraged.

Identify three reasons or influences from the past that convinced you that you couldn't achieve permanent change. After consider these reasons, can you now admit they were merely excuses?
You know, I really don't know how to answer this question. I make a lot of excuses for getting out of exercising, eating poorly, etc. But I don't know if there was any past concrete reason that influenced me. It might be rooted in my feelings of worth/lack thereof.

Think about the necessity of changing your mind before you attempt to change your body. Do you agree that lasting change begins on the inside? As you consider being the best you can be, are you ready to work from the inside out?
Short answer, yes. A lot of my weight issues come from my poor self-esteem and body-image. Coming to an understanding and a love of self creates an amazing amount of motivation. If you love yourself -- truly love yourself -- why would you want to remain in the same boat you're in? We would do anything to help lift our family and friends up, because we love them. Why should we treat ourselves any different?

A total life change involves your mind, body, and spirit, Think about the spiritual aspect for a moment. Do you accept the role that faith plays in the process of changing your life for good?
Even though I am a big video gamer, avid book reader, RPGing person, I still have a very deeply rooted belief in God. Too many times in my life, He has had to come in a save me. Literally! To me, if I look at God and His view of me, it will be easier to overcome all this crap and rise above it. Without His help, nothing.

When have you been held back by fear and failure? Write down your biggest fears in this regard. As you face your fears, can you decide to let them go and give your all to permanent life change?
I fear change. I fear being out of control (specifically, out my control). When I was a child, life was turbulent. I never had a strong base, and I never had a place of comfort. Because it was so turbulent, I had to find things that I could control. I'm also afraid to love myself. And I'm afraid to be loved by others. There are so many reasons I can put down, but it will never fully encompass the truth. I want to let them go. I am tired of living in this crap and lugging it around with me. I'm done. Finished. I want to open my hands and allow God to take control. But I'm scared . . .