Plus-Sized Pin Up

At the beginning of the week, I ordered Running: Getting Started by Jeff Galloway and an interval timer with my Christmas money. According to Amazon, the book has arrived in town this morning! Hopefully it will be delivered today!! I'm excited!

Nothing really to report. I didn't overeat over the holiday. However, I did spend a lot of time playing video games with my brother, reading, and generally being lazy. I also drank way too much pop. Starting Monday, I'm getting back to the gym and working hard on this running program. I also need to start being more mindful of the food I eat.

Anyways, I hope you guys had an awesome Christmas and New Year! See you in 2011!!

I decided to separate this blog somewhat. Since this blog is more devoted to health, fitness, exercise, etc., I made another blog for my thoughts. It is Sinnful Thoughts if you want to head over that way. It would be awesome if you guys follow me there as well. But no worries if you don't

Last night was awesome! Only two people ended up coming, but it was still fun. Angel was afraid of the weather forecast, but it never did snow ^_^ After talking for awhile, we pushed our coffee table out of the way and put the first game in. If you want a good cardio workout, play Just Dance 2! We were jumping around the floor, swinging our arms, and having a blast! I totally clocked KT while we were battling. I think it was during one of the duet pieces. Ninja hit our fan and dislodged some gross dust build up. He apologized for finding all the unclean areas of the house.

We finished the evening playing Mario Kart. It was really fun, and a nice break from Just Dance 2. KT had to end up leaving early. Her poor puppy was left home alone all day! Hubby and Ninja played a round of Halo Reach. Since it was nearly 3am, I start snoozing on the love seat. Juneau was so beat and came to curl up next to me. It was sweet.

While playing Just Dance 2, I found that I had a lot more endurance after going to the gym. I'm still a far way from being in shape, but I could see some of the payoff. It was awesome!

We didn't get to bed until close to 3:30am! It would have been nice to sleep in longer, but Juneau was whining in her cage. For some reason, I cannot block out her whining. Needless to say, I was going to get anymore sleep. And, at this very moment, she is conked out on the love seat!

We're going to catch Tron: Legacy tonight. We're all pretty excited to see it!

While I was goofing off and avoiding house work on Wednesday, I updated/finished my treadmill playlist (okay, general gym playlist). That's one thing I miss about working at the radio station! I really enjoyed making playlists! Anyway, today was the first day using it, and it went pretty good. Well, here it is:

1. I Gotta Feeling - The Black Eyed Peas
2. For Your Entertainment - Adam Lambert
3. September - Earth, Wind & Fire
4. Poker Face - Lady Gaga
5. My Humps - Black Eyed Peas (LoL, kind of boring)
6. Shut Up and Let Me Go - The Ting Tings
7. Tik Tok - Ke$ha
8. Every Time We Touched - Cascada
9. Disturbia - Rihanna
10. Your Love is My Drug - Ke$ha
11. Boom Boom Pow - Black Eyed Peas
12. Genie in a Bottle - Christina Aquilera
13. Teenage Dream - Katy Perry
14. Dance, Dance - Fall Out Boy
15. Bad Romance - Lady Gaga
16. Single Ladies - Beyonce
17. Hot N Cold - Katy Perry
18. Party in the U.S.A. - Miley Cyrus
19. I Kissed a Girl - Katy Perry
20. Just Dance - Lady Gaga
21. Don't Stop the Music - Lady Gaga
22. California Gurls - Katy Perry

Observation: Huffing, puffing, and sweating must be a weird occurrence at the gym. The guy on the elliptical next to me kept turning and staring at me. Sheesh, dude, take a damn picture and leave me alone! LoL, maybe the fat jiggling was memorizing!

I made it through 3-4 sets of running this morning! LoL, it has been a struggle! When Cascada came on, I told myself that I could DDR through her song previously, so I could run 60sec. It didn't work! I got 45sec! However, I had a hard time going straight from jogging to walking. I had to stop and stretch out m calf muscles and then work back up to a high intensity walk. However, just the fact that I did it is important. *Pats self on back*

Avoiding cleaning the house is not an option today! I need to pick up a few things that migrated to the floor last night, vacuum floor and furniture, Febreeze the hell out of the furniture, clean the upholstery (Juneau is in heat and no matter what towels we put down, she has still bled on the furniture!), and finish the kitchen. I told myself that I would sit on my ass and watch an hour of afternoon TV, but it is rather boring. I'm almost itching to get the stuff done. Unfortunately, I'll get more stressed about hubby's chores not being done.

Hubby hasn't been walking Juneau in the evenings; he's been sick. I would walk her, but I lack a winter coat!! Okay, well, the cat the stupid cat (aka, Dizzy) peed all over it last winter, and the damn coat is wool! I know I need to get a coat, but the money has been tight. Walking between the car, the house, and the gym isn't too big of a deal, but walking her in 14 degrees w/ no coat is pushing it! I feel bad, because she just whines and whines by the back door, the garage door, and looks at her leash. I feel like a bad puppy parent!

Tomorrow is the gaming weekend!! Booya!

Whoa! Carnie Wilson is putting all of her weight back on! I remember when she really put the weight on back in the day, but she ended up making a big deal about getting gastric bypass. She was able to work it off and keep it off. But now, watching them on TV, she is putting it back on. Sad! She was always an inspiration to me, and I always thought she was so beautiful (not saying that she isn't pretty due to her weight).

I've been cleaning the house the last couple of days. Since FIL fixed the sink, I've gotten just about all the dishes clean. There are a few that I have to wash by hand and some going through a rinse cycle in the dishwasher. Walking into the kitchen no longer causes a lot of stress. Something about a clean-ish kitchen just makes you feel good, even when the rest of the house is a disaster!

I've tried to keep the coffee table clean. However, over the course of a week or more, it has started to get cluttered again. It's not that bad, but some glasses and garbage needs to be picked up. I started clearing out under the table. LoL, I really don't want to follow through! However, I was able to tackle moving the coffee table and pick up all the junk and trash trapped under there. That will make vacuuming a lot easier. Since we're moving the coffee table for the game night, it would be a wise idea to clean up and vacuum the floor under the table!

At this point, I need to finish decluttering the floor, clean off our long serving table, vacuum the floor and furniture, and Febreeze the furniture with pet odor stuff. I'm hoping to keep Dizzy off the chairs, She sheds enough for 10+ cats! Most of the backs of our furniture is covered with black fur!

I gave my hubby garbage and bathroom duty. Unfortunately, I'll have to pester him about it if it is going to be done. Is it just me, or is that a typical guy thing? Whatever it is, it annoys me to no end.

In other good news, hubby had a job interview this afternoon. After the interview, he said that he was everything they were looking for. However, they are not sure whether they can match his pay. She told him not to accept a position where there is a pay cut. Sadly, the job wouldn't have benefits. If I get a job with the city, it really wouldn't matter. They have kick ass benefits!

When I got home from the gym, I really sat down and finally thought about things.

Getting exercise has been amazing! My hubby has even noticed my increased energy, mood, and general health. I have been plugging away at the gym since August, and I'm very proud of myself. I haven't needed an accountability buddy to keep me going. I have been my own motivation, and that is really affirming. And, even though a lot of weight has not been lost, I feel sexy! For the first time, in a LONG time, I feel sexy and hot!

While the exercising has been amazing, my eating options have not been the best. At this point, I am just maintaining my weight: Exercising enough to burn off the calories I consume. I'm tired of that lifestyle. And, yes, I admit that I like soda, I enjoy eating out, not having limitations on what I eat, overeating due to love of food/flavor, etc. But, you know what, I am worth more than that. As discussed in older posts, I come from a long, long line of diabetics. All of my mother's aunts (and mother) have diabetes and my dad has to give himself shots. Even though all of my blood chemistry is awesome, I am still setting off pre-diabetic warning signals. If I die early, I want to due to something outside of my control. I don't want to be sitting here 20+ years from now and wish/regret that I never cared about myself.

Granted, it would be nice to lose weight! But I don't want that my focus. If I eat healthy and continue with the exercise and don't lose weight, *shrug* than I don't. However, I think keeping a tab on my weight is a good thing. For one, I will know what is normal for me and possibly when I hit a plateau.

Anyway, here is the plan:

• 151 days (5mo) to change blood chemistry/diabetes markers and get into regular healthy eating habits (actually getting a food journal going).
• By the first week of April, I want to be able to jog 3 miles in about 30 minutes and be able to keep up with Juneau
  

The strategy:

I need to get back into the habit of weekly menu planning. We are tight for money, so it would save a lot. Well, it did save a lot of money. We were able to stay within our food budget. As for exercise, I'm planning on working through Couch to 5k. I don't want to run a 5k, but it would be awesome to have that ability!

I usually have issues with New Year's resolutions, but this is mine. I'm going to continue heading to the gym 3x/wk and working myself hard. However, while still thinking about being mindful of portion control -- especially on the holidays! -- the major food overhaul will start on January 1, 2011. My counter of 151 days and 3 miles will start on January 1 as well.

Anyways, that's it. It seems kind of daunting, but I know I can do it!

**Jumps up and down** I was able to jog this morning!! Granted, it wasn't very long, but I did it!

I also added some new leg weight-machines into the mix. Man, even during cool down/stretching, it was burning! I think being winded was my asthma acting up, but it didn't cause too much of an issue. Even after relaxing in the bathtub and a nap, my legs just don't want to work. When I stand up, my legs complain: "Why?!" LoL

Today is my birthday. Hubby and I are heading to the cheap seats to watch the Town. After that, we're heading to Applebee's with a gift card from my in-laws. And, yes, I am getting a mucho mudslide. In the bigger picture, I might have 2-3/yr. I'm not a big drinker.

Since my sink is now working, I got a load of dishes into the dishwater. Even putting in one load, I feel so much better ^_^

Well, off to put feet up and play around with Gimp ^__^

In-laws just left. It was awesome! The conversation really helped me look at the accident in a different way. It also helped me realize just how much God was working. Really, have you seen people walk away from getting hit by an 18-wheeler? Anyways, just spending some time, laughing, and shooting the breeze was pretty refreshing.

LoL, FIL got our sink working! It has been plugged and the garbage disposal has been acting up. Hubby has been putting off cleaning it, so every dish in the house is filthy. The dishwasher backs-up into the sink, but it wasn't draining. Anyways, we tried it last night and got the same response -- nothing. FIL comes over, turns on the disposal, and it WORKS! Yay!! Now to get to work cleaning my kitchen all over again

Given the time, I'm thinking about skipping the gym tomorrow. I know I need to get in and work on the weights, but sleep is so much better. Juneau woke me up this morning with diarrhea, so I wasn't able to get a ton of sleep.

In other news: Our new car is home!!! Booya! Hubby wanted to take the car to work, so I couldn't take it for a spin. But tomorrow I get the car

Well, off to bed!

• God saved us and Juneau in our nasty, nasty car accident. There is no doubt in my mind that she should have died.
• We were able to buy a new car today -- a 2010 Mercury Mariner limited, sync/blue tooth for phone, surius enabled, USB port, etc. for only $500/mo payments (same as our Zephyr)
• I got an interview with the police department on Jan 13th!!!

Yes, ma'am, God is good! He is telling me to let and and allow Him to do His work. He is also telling me loud and clear how much He loves me.

In other news, the gym . . . Ouch, the gym! I decided to up my walking speed, so it was killer. Jogging for about 1 minute and walk 1 minute alternating sounded like a good idea. Um, yeah, my legs totally did not agree! I ended up just sticking to the kick ass walking. However, the jogging will commence next week. After that, I worked my chest, shoulders, and back on the weight machines. My ass has been totally kicked, and it feels damn good! I have a total high today, and I hope it's not a hard come-down.

On top of this, I think Dollhouse and V are waiting in my mailbox!!

**happy Snoopy dance**

My in-laws are coming into town tomorrow and want to take us out to dinner. One of their close friends just lost his wife last week. The memorial service is on Friday. I guess she had a hard battle w/ cancer. She didn't go through chemo. However, she raised her kids and saw her grandkids. I know she's still young, but it is almost a blessing. Anyways . . . Back to the high!!!

This afternoon, I applied for a technical writing position. They wanted a writing sample, so I sent the grant I wrote in a grant writing class. My cover letter was also rocking! I'm hoping that something will come of it. It pays between $12 and $15/hr depending on experience. Even at $12/hr, that's approx $23,040/yr. I'm keeping my fingers crossed! This is firmly planted in my degree. It would be awesome!

The insurance totaled the car. They are paying out $14k. We're hoping that we owe less than that. They stop paying for the rental on Friday. We're thinking about keeping it over the weekend, so we can buy a car. I'm excited, but also a little nervous. We're leaning towards and SUV because of Juneau. We're also afraid of the payments we can make; it limits our options. It would be so much easier if I already had a job!

Everything in good time, I suppose.

It's always the same people at the gym: the skinny girls pounding away on the elliptical machines, the sweet lady who runs for an hour on the treadmill, the 65+ year-old lady rocking the hell out of those weight machines (with heavy weights!), the little old ladies tittering in the dressing room on their to/from the pool, etc. There is something comforting about the constant. I've even got used to my autonomy being disrupted by the PT saying "hi" to me every morning (and he uses my first name, so it is kind of weird . . .). At some level, I have finally gotten over my anxiety over the way I look. But, really, no one looks their best at the gym. For goodness sake's, we're all hot and sweaty!

Last week, a girl told me that she thought I was really flexible. I'm not sure whether it's true, but it really stroked my ego You know how muscle builders have a problem lowering their arms all the way? Yeah, well, that is my legs! They are rock hard! It's awesome, but it makes it harder to find jeans. Meh, you can't get it all, I suppose.

Still no job. I've been calling, trying to get on for seasonal work, etc. Nothing. A big, fat nothing! I considered moving 4hrs away to get a job at the mine paying $35/hr. I'm not sure if they are hiring or they would hire me, but it would be money. Honestly, I'm afraid of leaving hubby and Juneau. It would be really hard on everyone. LoL, hubby suggested that we should both get jobs at the mine. It would end with a salary close to 140k/yr!

Christmas has been postponed this year. Since I don't have a job, we don't have the money to celebrate and gift family. *sigh* I'm still trying to trust God, but I have so many doubts flying around my head. However, we did purchase my mom a gift during the summer, and I've made a blanket and plushy Cthulhu for my niece. The yarn was from my massive yarn stash, so it didn't cost much. We're also getting her an ornament. It is a tradition in my family to give all the kids an ornament every year. I want to bring this tradition into my new family

We started looking for new cars. The insurance hasn't told us if the car has been totaled. However, once they decide it was totaled, we only have 4 days with the rental before we have to pay for it. Since Juneau is a part of the family, we're actually considering an SUV. We loved our Lincoln Zephyr, but it is more practical to go a different direction. She would fit in the back better, we could actually have more room for her and stuff, it would work wonderfully in the mountains, and hubby would be able to fit his skis in the car for ski-joring.

My birthday is in a week! Since it is during the week, we're having a party of the 18th. It's going to be a geek-end: all video games, all the time! We're getting a couple of pizzas and 2-liters. Everyone is supposed to bring games/systems and favorite video munchies. Angel is driving over for the weekend, and Torg is going to be there too. Since Tron: Legacy is coming out that Friday, Ninja, Angel, Torg, hubby, and me are going on Sunday afternoon. Hubby, Ninja, and I just re-watched the original last Saturday.

God blessed me with sleep free of nightmares. No reliving the accident over and over again. Just sleeping has done a lot to bring me peace. However, I feel kind of hallow. Spent.

When I woke up this morning, I found quite a collection of bruises forming on my left side. I have a few tiny scratches on my left arm and left knee. Another bruise is starting to form above my knee, one on my left shoulder. My butt also feels a little bruised on the left side, and my right arm feels stiff. Really, I've had so much worse injuries. Thinking about what could have happened, it is kind of comical.

My headache turned out to be just that. Taking some Advil and curling up in a blanket on the couch last night made it disappear.

It took until nearly midnight for my exhausted body to decide I was chilled out enough to take a bath and head to bed. After the bath, I was feeling a lot better. Hubby and I even laughed and joked about stuff and procrastinating instead if sleeping. Little Goblin even ventured out to cuddle last night. Since Juneau, she has pretty much stayed in the bedroom. And, even though I want my dog home, it was nice to not deal with the stress. Cats help decompress a lot better than a 9mo old puppy!

We're trying to get our hands on a rental. At the moment, they have nothing in the lot. Hopefully, something will show up around lunch. I really want to get Juneau home. After calling the animal shelter, I feel better. She is a little nervous, but seems okay.

We're also trying to reach the officer we dealt with last night. He never gave us the paperwork we need to fill out (we only found out about it because of the tow truck driver), the truck driver's insurance info, or the claim number. I blame it on Thanksgiving food babies clouding his judgment

Some of hubby's online friends think we should sue the driver. I don't. Aside from the fact that he tried to help us, was apologetic, etc., I feel that suing is telling God that the gift of our lives isn't enough. When face with that, it feels like pure avarice to even consider suing.

*sigh* I need to go get dressed. I really don't have the motivation to get out of my PJs, but I need to. Besides, I need to get my puppy and some Advil for my bruises. Really, it looks like everything is okay. "What if-ing" it to death and going over and over it is pointless and a waste of time. What happened, happened. It's done. Over. Finished. Something bad happened, but God stepped in and used this horrible incident to show us His unending love and mercy. It should stay at that.

I'm home now. We're home now. We're okay, but I still cannot stop crying. I can't help feeling guilty.

On our way home from Thanksgiving with my brother (earlier today), we got t-boned by a semi on I-80. When I was passing the truck, he started to moved into my lane. Hubby who I was sleeping said that when he woke up, the truck was half way or more into my lane. I tried to avoid him, saw I was going off the road, over corrected back into the lane, lost control, the car veered (sp) out in front of the semi, he his the back passenger door, and we rolled.

We're okay. Everyone is okay. My knee is banged up and I have a headache. I'm not sure whether it is from shock wearing off, a headache, or whiplash. Juneau was in the back passenger seat. Thank God for her seat belt! Sadly, she is 45mi away. They had to take her to the Cheyenne animal shelter. Due to insurance and towing, we couldn't get to pick her up before they closed. So, *deep breath* we have to take that drive again . . .

God is good! We should have died. We should have slipped under the truck. We should have numerous other things, but we didn't. After nearly dying in utero (sp), nearly dying in a house fire when I was 11, and this, I cannot -- nay, I will NOT -- deny the existence of God! If it wasn't for him, my family and I wouldn't be together. Hubby and I wouldn't be waiting for pizza, petting kitties, etc. Praise God!

But still . . . the guilt. Still the tears. My mind keeps trying to go to "what if", but I'm trying to distract myself. This post is cathartic in its own right. I just feel as guilty! Looking at the side of the car, I couldn't stop crying. Waiting for our friend to bring us home, I curled in my blanket in the back of his car and cried. While hubby was calling his parents, I picked up my cat and cried into his fur. God, does it ever go away?

11/24/10
Strength

• Lateral Pulldown: 2 sets, 10 reps
• Shoulder Press: 2 sets, 10 reps
• Seated Row: 2 sets, 10 reps
• Machine Fly: 2 sets, 10 reps

Cardio

• Upright Bike: 30min, light-moderate resistance

Cool Down

• Full Body Stretching: 10-15min
• Sit Ups: 10reps

Observations:

• The upright bike is not really giving me a workout. Even with resistance and peddling my heart out, it doesn't even get close to my target heart rate. A few of 5k training things said that working on a stationary bike -- building as I go -- is preferred. I don't know . . . I'm not getting anything out of it. I'm not sweating. My heart rate is down. I'm not panting. At that point, what is the point of cardio? Next week I am moving to intense walking and working up to jogging.
• Focusing on one muscle group at a time is cool. I feel as though I am getting a more well-rounded workout.
  
• Making sure to do my stretching after weight training has been making a difference. The trainer had me do it in the middle, but I read it was better if it came at the end. While I was sore in my legs yesterday, it was a little twinge thanks to switching things up

After being threatened to getting an obscene tattoo, the bullies didn't stop there:

Fisk allegedly did the actual tattooing. When he was done, he and the others reportedly took the boy outside Johnston’s home where a group of students waited to look and laugh while the victim was forced to drop his pants. Fisk allegedly gave the victim a bag of marijuana as payment for the humiliation.

One of the boys alleged that it was: 1) A joke and 2) He really wanted a tattoo. So four (4)
boys thought it was a good idea to take the child to their basement, held him down, and tattooed his butt. Even though one of the perps' parents admits that what was done to the child was not acceptable, she felt that it wasn't a big deal because it was a joke.

The idea that this was a joke is absurd! I also have a hard time believing that a 14 year-old boy would actually want this obscene tattoo on this butt. Let us assume that the child did want the tattoo, why I was he forced to humiliate himself in front of a school of classmates?

I'm not for a minute suggesting that one form of bullying it better than another, but this is extreme. It costs up to thousands of dollars and a lot of pain to have a tattoo removed!

The parents of his son’s girlfriend reportedly called to say they don’t want the boy contacting her anymore.

While I hope this is true, it seems very unlikely to me. Not only was he tattooed by force, pictures of it were being sent around school, and he was made to drop his pants to a waiting crowd. It was already public and known.

Do I really need to comment on this?

Bullying for any reason must be stopped! It has already led to suicides, school shoots, and God only knows what else!

11/23
Strength

• Leg Abductor: 2 sets, 12 reps
• Leg Adductor: 2 sets, 12 reps
• Leg Press: 2 sets, 10 reps

Cardio

• Upright Bike: 20min, light-moderate resistance

Cool Down

• Full Body Stretching: 10-15min

I started working on building my endurance and singling out muscle groups one at a time. Tomorrow, I'm bumping up the biking time by 10min and raising the resistance. I'm also going to work my chest, back, and shoulder muscle groups.

When I got on the adductor, I was generous with my weights and put it around 50lbs. Damn, it felt like I was lifting 2lbs expecting it to be heavier. I pushed up the weight a couple of times and settled for 100lbs. It was still pretty easy. On my second set, I left it on the previous person's settings, so it was 115lbs. I'm sore, but I could up the weights probably another good 10lbs. before I feel as though I working. Man, I was pumped figuring that out! Usually, I am pretty strong on my leg press, but I'm still sitting at 90lbs.

With the window quickly shrinking, I'm not going to apply for the police job. If they extend the deadline, I'll go ahead with the plan. One way or the other, I am planning on taking the POST exam in case this is something I want to pursue in the future. The 12/3 date is too close. I'm having issues trying to get my hands on proof of my GED and finding time to head over to Cheyenne (about 45min away) for the exam. At this point, I'm going to focus on applying as seasonal help at places like Hastings, Wal*Mart, etc.

. . . Why not?

Since some time in August, exercise has revolved around shredding it on the elliptical machine, 10-15 min of stretching, and ending with weights (I used to end on the treadmill, but I admit to laziness and lack of motivation). However, a job prospect has caught my attention (I'll talk more about this later), and it got me thinking about running. Reading through these inspirational weight-loss blogs, a common theme was running a 5k/marathon. Even one of a former co-worker lost all of her weight by running. And, you know what, I've never been a real big runner. I never got it. It never appealed to me. I'm a sprinter. I have the legs of a sprinter. I'm fast (lol, I used to be).

What's the point of all of this?

Weather and roads permitting, I am starting to work up for a 5k. After spending some time on the internet, I've found some pretty good resources for us "couch surfers" to start the process. They all look really encouraging. After spending approx. 3 months at the gym will give me a leg up. I'm already in the habit of going to the gym 3x/wk, working hard on cardio, strength training, etc.

But, even after all this pep-talk, I'm afraid that I'm getting ahead of myself. That I am expecting too much out of myself and the fitness level I am at. I'm worried that I will lose my drive and not continue with it. However, losing my "running drive" will not force me out of the gym. Even with these doubts and worries running through my head, I have been telling myself, "Whatever. I don't know. What I do know: We're going for it!" The worst that could happen is returning to the elliptical machine.

This job prospect made itself known to me while I was applying for the community service officer. The workforce center though I might be required to fill out a police packet as my app. While filling that out, it caught my attention that the only requirements for applying for a position as a police officer was taking the POST exam and graduating high school. Earlier this afternoon, my hubby suggested I apply for it. After some research online, I found info and practice exams for POST. The exam consists of math, reading comp, and grammar. I missed one question and completed it with time to spare.

This position got me thinking about my physical fitness level. It got me looking at running and working up to it. It feels like a good route to go.

At the moment, I am trying to get my GED together, so I can prove that I got an equivalent to a HS diploma. I have to have the exam taken, proof together, and submit everything by the 12/3. I'm not sure if I am going to have enough time Either way, I'm still working on running.

Juneau has been watching me from her chair. I think she is reading my mind. She is looking at me expecting something. She knows that running will probably more than likely lead to running with her. However, I'm starting out in the rec center first ^_~

From the get go, I have been very against weight-loss for body image issues. I will be the first to jump on the bandwagon and admit that I too am harassed by the media and feel as though I should be skinny. However, my question is where does it stop? I am a big proponent of loving who you are where you are. If I cannot love myself at 253lbs., then I cannot love myself at 150lbs. Even looking back at my wedding pictures -- I was closer to 150lbs at the time -- I remember that I was unhappy with my weight, I felt fat at a size 14, and I did a ton of exercise before the wedding in an attempt to drop a size before the wedding-night adventure. Straight to the point, I wasn't happy then. Yet looking back at those now, I was skinny and hot!

Recently there has been a movement for fat acceptance. While this seems like a good thing -- similar to that Dove ad -- many people are rising up against it. I have to wonder, are they doing it because it challenges the popular view or are some people really afraid that it is as devastating as an "anorexia acceptance" movement. I do not mean to imply anything offensive with this statement. I believe very strongly that morbid obesity and anorexia are on the same scale; they are different extremes.

The people who are outspoken about obesity claim that the fat acceptance movement will encourage people to become/stay overweight. I don't know about you, but I don't consciously think, "Gee, I want to get fat today." However, they do have legitimate points. The rise in childhood type two diabetes is a bad thing. It is not okay to sit idly by and watch our children struggle with something that might be able to be prevented. Unfortunately, the con-group cannot stop demonizing and personifying fat. According to an article on CNN, people who believe that they are healthy usually do not spend time going to the doctor or exercising. I can accept that, but it goes both ways. When I worked at the movie theatre, I would watch skinny girls pump butter onto their popcorn (honestly, watching the butter was one of the most disgusting things I had to deal with working there). They would have a large bag of popcorn and half of it would be butter. Why are these girls considered healthy? The answer is simple: they are skinny.

However, Nicholls is still concerned that fat acceptance may send the message that being overweight isn't a health issue.

"As a population, we have moved the yardstick ourselves as what we consider to be a problem and what we don't consider to be a problem," Nicholls says. "We consume processed, high-fat, easily available food and reduce the amount of exercise and activity we perform on a daily basis. There is complacency about developing obesity, and it could suggest that we underestimate what its implications might be."

I can accept that there is a rising trend. I can also accept that fat, at a certain point, greatly increases the chance and occurrence of health problems. However, the approach the con-side is taking to counteract this is beyond disgusting and humiliating!

She's not alone. Lincoln University recently made headlines when the school set up BMI score graduation requirements: Not under 30? No diploma. (Following a public outcry, the university rescinded the rule.) Both Alabama and North Carolina announced they will charge fat state employees an additional monthly fee for health care. And mega-green grocer Whole Foods started up a voluntary employee incentive programone [sic] based, in part, on workers' weights. The lower their BMI, the bigger their discounts.

This attitude is nothing short discriminatory! That doesn’t even go into how sick this response is. I’m not saying that society should promote unhealthy behavior, but they punish people? Do you see the media spearheading a campaign against people with anorexia and/or bulimia? There would be a huge public outcry against raising insurance rates for these victims. And, that’s another thing; people with anorexia and/or bulimia are seen as victims. It is never mentioned that they chose to continue in their behavior patterns. Why, then, are fat people not seen the same way?

When Crystal Renn admitted that she had eating problems, took care of it, and put on some weight, she was chastised by the public. It’s not okay if someone has anorexia, but it’s worse for them to be healthy. To me, the before and after shots speak for themselves; this is what our current view is doing to us.

That’s all well and good, but what does the other side think?

In the Dove ad, the media’s idea of what true beauty and health look like was powerfully questioned. Many women feel as though they cannot measure up to the media’s – and, I hate to say it, even health care’s – skewed view. We constantly compare ourselves to this unreal expectation. To me, this ad was very empowering. The fat acceptance movement is trying to give women – and men – power. Every day it is taken away. Every day they are told that they are not good enough, pretty enough, etc. The fat acceptance movement is trying to counteract the growing trend in bad self-image and discriminatory actions. They are trying to foster happiness, acceptance, and understanding. It has been shown that continual yoyo dieting has contributed to weight gain and has been shown to be bad for a person’s health.

What do I think?

However, research conducted by Steven N. Blair, a professor at the Arnold School of Public Health at the University of South Carolina, suggests that some people can be overweight and healthy (my emphasis). In a 2007 study, he and colleagues found that unfit people over age 60 who were of normal weight had higher mortality rates during the 12-year study than people the same age with higher body-mass indexes (BMIs) who were fit (as measured by a treadmill test).

Here’s the thing: sitting around and eating junk food and is not good! No matter how you want to argue or stretch it, it is not good. And I point my finger at myself when I say this. In most of the articles I have read, across the board, everybody has agreed that exercise and eating right are a few of the keys to health. However, I do find it interesting that it has been proven that fat people – albeit healthy – usually have better health. In most instances, they to do suffer from osteoporosis because of the bone mass. And, interestingly enough, they have a lower risk of heart disease. Hmm, why doesn’t the general public know this? Do I really have to answer that question?

Good self-esteem and body-image are the biggest key to success and health. Without it, we are nowhere. Instead of attacking fat people, we need to reach out to them. At a young age, we need to teach our children to make better choices and to be active. Taking the soda out of schools will not help the issue. Kids are going to get it somewhere else. It is just pushing the issue underground and shows an unwillingness to get to the root of the problem. Telling our children how beautiful they are, how good they are; giving them better food choices and equipping them with tools; and cultivating physical activity will stop the problem of unhealthy children, which leads to unhealthy adults.

The issue is not whether somebody is fat or not. The issue is health. If we continue in these character assassinations in the form of a solution, I predict that we will see a rise in eating disorders – whether anorexia/bulimia or overeating – a generation of people who hate themselves, and maybe even suicide.

Parting words: “You cannot hate people for their own good.”

**When the pictures of me were taken, I felt very, very fat.

Walking to the back door to, once again, open the door for Juneau, I was absently playing with my belt. Running my fingers across the studded metal stars, feeling the divets for the leather cutouts, and slipping my fingers through the belt loops. While doing this, it became immediately clear that something was different. My belt was loose! When I bought this belt, I was unsure whether it would fit correctly. Putting it on the first time was pretty rewarding. Now I could hold up my spiffy, too-large pants. Plus, it has metal stars in it! Anyways, after putting it on for the first time, the belt made it known that it was still snug. However, to finish the story, fingering my belt, I would that there was a good 2 inches between large circumference of my hips and the studded leather. Yes, even on the tightest setting, my belt was very loose. I decided that this explains why I've been so focused on hitching up my pants whenever I move around. Needless to say, that was a neat moment.

The unseasonable warm weather has finally given way to snow. It claimed the sleepy town about a week ago. While exceptionally cold some of the days, it has leaned more towards the warmer side of the spectrum. At times, however, the warmer weather has not helped the roads improve. It was a battle convincing myself the overcome my fear and actually drive the car in the foul conditions. Unfortunately, I was too overrun on Monday to force myself to drive on the roads. Plus, I had been out of Singulair. While it is a valid excuse, I clung to it more than was necessary.

This weekend should see the end of 40 degree weather and allow the snow to herald the way for Thanksgiving. It ought to be fun seeing how many students are trapped in town for the holiday. We are planning on traveling as well. Part of me hopes that the roads are closed. However, it will be nice to get out of the house . . . Out of the town!

Lately, I've been struggling. Struggling with this blog, with weight and weight-loss, life, etc. I want to be healthy and lose weight, but I have been so discouraged by it. I have kept to getting up and going to the gym 3/wk (not the last few). I've lost visible inches, I have more energy, but I would still rather sit around and read a book or take nap. And, with this blog, I don't know what to do. I'm not sure even how to relate my issues, and, when I do, it feels as though I shouldn't. Wasn't this supposed to be a healthy-type blog? But then I tell myself that health is not limited to weight-loss. Health encompasses a whole plethora of things. Weight-loss is only one in that list. As far as life . . . Job . . . I've been looking for work since mid-July. I've had 2 interviews. 2! This is really, really getting me down. My student loan bill comes due in February, and we won't have any money left if I cannot find a job. *sigh* I know that God is faithful, but getting closer to the deadline is making it hard to trust. On top of this, I feel like my marriage and personal life are in a slump. Aside from one person, all of our friends have moved away. Needless to say, every evening is spent with hubby in front of his computer game until after midnight and me watching TV or reading a book. And time with my friends includes texting Angel throughout the day. I love talking to her, but face-to-face interaction would be so much nicer. Ug, I just think life in general is kind of stuck in stagnant pond.

These are the things running through my head the last several weeks. In a lot of ways, it is easier to push them aside and pretend nothing bad is happening. However, there is only so long that things will stay under wrap.

Okay, I admit it. I have been absent for quite some time. Any excuses or reasons? Not really. I think I've just been burnt out on everything. I've been sick, looking for work, watching Avatar: The Last Airbender on Netflix, reading, and playing around with my resume and writing endless cover letters. I don't know. I think I'm bored with the computer. In essence, life has been happening. Sometimes it is really sneaky and jumps in front of you.

I haven't kept up with my smart eating. I have still been making a lot of the lower calorie food, but I haven't practiced my good eating habits outside of that. Haha, I say this while I am drinking a Starbuck's frappacino. Even though I've kind of flopped there, the gym is still in full force. However, this weekend I came down with a cold and missed Monday's gym time. Walking around Hastings on Sunday, I discovered that it was really causing my asthma to act up. I was panting, having a hard time breathing, lightheadedness, etc. So when Wednesday rolled around, I decided hitting the cardio as hard as normal was a bad idea. Jumped on the recumbent bike for awhile (reading was nice a relaxing while peddling away) and concluded with stretches.

After this afternoon, I've had two job interviews. Both at the same location. One was working for janitorial and the other was student financial aide. The janitorial position could take approximately 6 weeks to get a call back. The other job will let me know ont he week of the 15th if I am called back for a second interview. This latest interview felt as though it went pretty well. Haha, I even outdressed the people who worked there! That has got to count for something ^_~

I would much rather work with financial services. It would be less demanding due to the hours -- *ahem* no night hours.

Aside from that, I have a TON of applications out there and received no call-backs. Student loan payments start in Feb. I'm nervous.

Ug, this is a recap of the previous post. Only minor updates. My life is boring. I've been unmotivated to do much. Looking for work, reading, watching TV, and crocheting a baby blanket for my niece have taken up my time. It doesn't feel this way, but it seems as though I am stuck in a rut. And the worst part: I really don't give a damn.

That reminds me! I need to turn in two applciations to the workforce center and take the typing test. Hopefully something good will come from either the student finacial aide position or the two with the city/county I'm turning in tomorrow. *crosses fingers*

It's been awhile. The internet really hasn't held any interest lately. I've been primarily working on cleaning my house, filling out job applications, and reading. LoL, I got through about 3-4 books in about 2 weeks! Yes, I am that nerdy!

I am still pounding away at the gym. It has been a little hard coming back after being so sick, but I've been able to rise to the challenge. My food intake kind of spiraled out of control after being so sick. I know I need to get back to eating correctly, but $$$ might not allow that. Since I don't have a job, $$$ has gotten really, really tight. We relied too much on a credit card to bail us out every month, and now we've maxed it. I feel so ashamed to even admit it, but it's the truth. *sigh* We might have to return to a diet of boxed macaroni. I'm hoping that we can actually sit down and start making a budget again. Hopefully things won't look quite so bleak.

In less serious news, I got called in for a job interview!!! I applied to work as a custodian at WyoTech, and I got a call back this morning! It is fully benefited and full-time. I've worked as a custodian before, so it isn't new territory. The draw back is the hours are 10pm - 6am. I've never worked a night shift. I figure I can sleep while hubby is at work and spend the evening w/ him before I head in at 10pm. *shrug* I don't know. Either way, I'm seriously thinking about taking the job on the spot -- if they want me that is. It pays nice and the benefits will cut some of our expenses and cover the $500+/mo payment on my student loans.

Angel and my brother have been here all weekend. Angel came to celebrate her birthday with us, so my brother drove up from Colorado. It was a lot of fun. My brother decided to leave around 11:30 last night. It looked as though it was going to start raining/snowing, so we wanted to go over the pass on 80 before anything hit. I guess he hit a bad patch for about 10 minutes. Aside from that, the drive was uneventful. Angel is leaving this afternoon. We're planning on heading out and renting a new Batman cartoon and chilling before she leaves. It was a freaking awesome weekend, but I'm glad to start back into normal life.

Prednisone took all of the swelling down pretty quickly. I'm not sure if the antibiotics are doing anything or it is just time passing. Unfortunately, my tongue is super sensitive and it hurts to eat certain foods. My mom assures me that it is normal. She says something about the skin coming back after being pretty swollen. *shrug* It feels pretty raw at times. I need to eat a lot slower and softer things. Sadly, hot food hurts :( I love hot food!\

On Monday, I'm starting back on my regular gym workout. I still need to go a little slow since this past week has been a bust. As funny as it sounds, I'm actually looking forward to getting back into the swing of things. The gym is like a constant. I can listen to the music I want to, zone out, think of things . . . Everything is free and just mine.

In rather strange news, I've been thinking this week about entering one of my short stories into a writing contest. I'm not sure whether I should send it into the never-been-published for $6000 or the annual fall contest. Getting back into the story is rather exciting! It was went over really well in my fiction workshop class. There are some things that need to be polished.

Angel is coming to visit me on the 22nd for her birthday! We're going to a friend's dance performance of Alive in Wonderland. He is the Cheshire Cat!! So happy!! I'm excited! LoL, I even motivated myself to finally start working on cleaning up the kitchen. The next biggest job will be the carpet. Juneau still has accidents if she is not watched pretty closely (*ahem* like when hubby has to watch her), so the carpet needs to be scrubbed. We clean up after her, but there is a point when it needs to really be cleaned. Hey, heehee, cardio ^_~

Anyways, I have a date with my book ^_^

Arg! The nurse has decided that I am not having an allergic reaction to the prescription meds. She thinks that my swollen tonsils, inflamed glands, and swollen tongue are all cause by the same thing. The diagnosis: I'm sick . . . Man, I've never felt so good! Sheesh! Anyways, she is putting me on antibiotics and steroids in hopes that the swelling in my tongue and throat will go down and that it might kill anything lurking in my system. She thinks that it is possible that I have a virus. In which case, antibiotics won't do shit. She also thinks that there might be a possibility of mono -- oh yay . . . -- however, it cannot be tested for 10 days after symptoms start. I guess it will give a false positive. *shrug* She wants me to call on Monday to check in. Hopefully the meds and rest will kick this thing out. (Oh, she did also mention that she has been hearing about people around town getting swollen tongues and needing to head into the ER. She definitely wants me to monitor that and head in if it gets more enlarged. But it makes me wonder whether there is something lurking around.)

What does all this mean? Damned if I know!

I'm still pushing fluids and resting. Tomorrow I'm heading back to the gym. Being able to finally eat normally, will help me out. However, after yesterday's adventure of over doing it, I'm not going to push myself through 5 laps again. We'll see how everything is feeling and looking on Monday.

With that, I'm going to locate my book ^______^

BTW

Lane Bryant is having a killer sale! Just thought I would pass the news on ^_~

I woke up to a swollen tongue with a yellow coat. I took an antihistamine and my tongue has shown massive improvement. This is the second side effect from the prescription that I am showing. Yesterday I talked with her about my dark urine (possible side effect of the drugs), and she felt I needed to give it until Friday and push as much fluids as I could. She was concerned that it might be due to my inability to get a lot of anything down. Even though she thinks that my throat could be an allergic reaction to something (since I had not other symptoms of being sick. I felt good, but my throat hurt like hell!), I'm more likely to believe that my swollen tongue is an allergic reaction to the medicine and is independent of the initial reaction (the tonsils and glands).

I'm not taking the pill until I can talk to her on Friday. When I called on Tuesday, one of the nurses was convinced that my dark urine could not be a side effect (even though I had the paperwork from the pharmacy stating that it could be one, she had never heard of it, so it wasn't an issue). Needless to say, I would rather talk to the lady I went to in the first place. She isn't in until tomorrow and she said she would make sure to keep a spot open to see me if I needed to come in.

Until then, I am going to continue pushing the fluids and taking the antihistamine. Hopefully not taking the pill stop the problem. I would rather have bad indigestion than continue taking a pill that is causing my tongue to swell!

UPDATE:

I called to schedule an appointment for tomorrow. The nurse I talked to this time felt that I needed to come in this afternoon. Here's hoping that they can figure out what's going on!

Walked 5 laps this morning. After stopping to find some tissue, I decided it was important to stop and work on stretching. Man, I over did it on the walking. When I stopped, I started to feel lightheaded and woozy. I still need to keep going to the gym, but I'm not planning on doing as much walking on Friday. I've been trying to get in cardio 5/wk, but I'm taking it easy on Thrs.

Still surviving on applesauce and pudding. I was able to upgrade last night to hot and sour soup from the Chinese place in town! It didn't burn and it went down! I'm leaning towards garlic mashed potatoes for lunch :9

Arg! Now it looks as though I have swollen tonsils and glands! I don't feel sick, but . . . The nurse wants me to try and push the fluids (even though it HURTS), suck on cough drops, and drink some warmer fluid. The indigestion doesn't seem to be an issue after I took the Prilosec last night.

Am I sick? I wish my body would just decide on one or the other and just be that!

I'm still planning on the gym tomorrow. I think walking a lap or two and doing stretching is a good idea. Pushing myself through 20min on the elliptical, doing weights, etc, might be too much for my physically after all this crap. Hopefully it will get my lymph fluid flowing and push all of this out of my system.

*sigh* Looks like applesauce and pudding for me, New diet? LoL

The nurse gave me a prescription strength Prilosec and a cocktail numbing liquid so I can get stuff down my throat. Excited, I ate leftover tacos after using the numbing agent . . . That went over like a lead zeppelin! It hurt so badly that it took me quite some time to get it down. It acted as though I hadn't even taken anything. I'm forcing water down, but it still hurts. So, in the last 24+ hours, all I've eaten is a few crackers, ice cream, and two tacos. The ice cream goes down better because of its liquid state. Hubby has gone to the store to get pudding and some Campbell soup. Hopefully, they will work.

*sigh* Needless to say, I'm tired and weak. She said I could go back to normal exercise, but I think I need to get some food in me before I start pounding away again. One lol, I lost weight :P

Pain came back. I'm seeing a nurse this afternoon. Hopefully they will be able to find a solution.

This morning, I felt a lot better. My throat is still kind of sore, but I don't have the feeling of something stuck in it and it doesn't feel tight. The weird burping sensation hasn't really reared its ugly head. Every so often, after I swallow, I feel it a tiny bit. I took some Prilosec this morning, and I'm gonna give it a little time to see if it helps. I'm trying to decide if I should still see a doctor or see if time and rest will straighten everything out.

Everything is now out of my system. It has left me feeling wasted, achy, and chilled. I bath is really needed tonight. Unfortunately, my throat still feels pretty tight. it also feels as though I have something stuck under my Adam's apple, and that need-to-burp feeling is still there. It hurts to swallow and breath really deeply. I'm hoping the steam will help. If nothing has changed, I'm heading to the doctor as soon as she can get me in. Either way, I am seriously thinking about staying home and resting instead of gym.

I should crawl in bath and then bed.

I don't know what's up. Sometime after eating dinner last night, I got pretty bloated. I went online to find some immediate relief solutions. The only thing I could find suggested drinking a glass of chamomile tea. It was enough to lessen the bloating pain so I could sleep.

When I woke up this morning, I was in a lot of pain. I took a laxative in hopes that I could purge my system. It didn't even start working until late afternoon. It has been hard to drink or eat anything. It has felt like gas is building up to burp, but I can't It is really, really painful. Swallowing much of anything makes that pain start. I was able to get down some ice cream due to lack of substance. Hubby got me cola, which has been helping me burp. It has helped.

I took some antacids to see if it would help my throat stop hurting. My mother, who has similar issues, suggested I try a suppository. I just did . . . I'm hoping it helps. If there isn't any improvement tomorrow, I'm calling the doctor. I might or might not make it to the gym. Exercise has been keeping me regular, so it might help. Either way, I am not pushing myself really hard. Maybe a little walking and stretching.

*sigh* I spent the whole day on the couch. I still have some cola and hubby got me some crackers. Hopefully I will get better . . . .

Anyways, time for Dexter :)

I got a text this morning from my older brother. He wanted me to check out the A&E show Hoarding. He said it was available to stream on Netflix. I watched the first episode and asked him the point. He felt it was extremely hilarious. It saddened me. I suffer from OCD, which is also an anxiety disorder. There is a sense of control when you're out buying things. Unfortunately, all control is lost in the home. It becomes a vicious cycle: buy to find control, house makes you feel out of control, buy to find control . . . It just goes on.

I admit that I have never been the cleanest person, but I thrive in a clean environment. After my house burned down when I was 11, I started hoarding just about everything. I would pick broken things up off of the ground, go scrounging for junk in the dirt hills behind our house, save huge old pickle containers. You name it, I saved it. However, when I started cleaning everything out to move into my husband's house, I realized how much junk I had. There wasn't necessarily an emotional attachment to things. I honestly couldn't figure out why I was hanging onto even half of the crap I had. I just felt as though I needed a change. I needed to start purging things from my life. It as time to let go.

It hasn't gone well. My husband is a classic hoarder. He won't accept it, but our garage would stand as witness. Over 95% of the junk in our garage are pointless things he insists on keeping. He claims that he forms an emotional attachment with anything that comes into his possession. This includes piece of broken junk on the ground. I cannot even begin to imagine how many pigeon feathers he has packed away. Our garage is a one-car and heated garage. He wants to eventually put his computers and servers out there. We want to make it into a pseudo-rumpas (sp) room. At the moment, we have to walk sideways through it and hope we don't knock anything over. He can't set up one of the spare bedrooms as a computer room, because he is hanging onto useless old computer parts. Even though he won't use these 20 year-old parts, "They are a part of" him.

My mother and father keep pestering me about when we sill start the adventure of cleaning out the garage. I don't know . . . I think I'm going to have to sit down; go through the boxes; one-at-a-time ask him whether it is kept, thrown, or given to charity; etc. His parents also feel that this is a good idea. I'm afraid that I'll have to be the bad guy and throw it away no matter what.

Sorry, I'm ranting.

My point: I am starting this change in my life to better my health. How can I come into this house that causes me stress and expect it to feel like a haven? I have a hard time sleeping in my bedroom, because of the mess. This has an impact on my health. Starting Monday morning, I am putting down my food and dealing with the things I can do. I have done this before and been successful. My husband wasn't really willing to help last time, so it shall be my mission. Like getting in the habit of going to the gym 2x/wk and getting cardio 5x/wk, I can make this a habit as well! And, hey, it will increase the amount of exercise I am getting! LoL ^_~

Well, I think that's just about covers it. I'm planning on returning to FlyLady. When I worked through her methods previously, they really helped. The question is whether I have the discipline to continue following it. Since Angel is coming on the 22nd, I really need to kick stuff into high gear. Hopefully, following the FlyLady steps, I'll be able to keep a handle on things. Plus, it will give me something to do instead of stressing and feeling depressed about the no-job situation. All I need to do is come up with an awesome cleaning playlist ^_^ I have no shortage of good music!

After I watched Honey, I Shrunk the Kids for the first time, I caught an ant, put it into a jar, and called it Anty.

If you don't understand the above statement, I suggest you watch the movie ^_^

I did it. I did what I promised myself I would never do. I applied at MacDonald s. After working at Subway as a teenager, I promised myself I would never go back to fast food. Well, with student loans looming int he immediate future and money being really short, I need a job. I'm also applying at Applebees. I wish I would hear back from the other jobs I applied for. It was be a blessing if I got a job working for the University, but I don't see that happening :( I know God has a good job out there for me, but it is hard trusting and having faith when every door is closed in my face. *sigh*

Went to the gym. Did the full time on treadmill. Worked on extra leg stretching. I am sore . . . Time for shower and figure out lunch

Kim Kardashian Butt Sculpting is amazing! I read some less than positive reviews about the DVD online, so I was really hesitant to buy it. Luckily it was on VOD on the Exercise TV channel. If you really want to focus into your core (working mostly your butt and thighs in this exercise), this really challenges that. Working through pilates, I thought I was working on my core, but I really feel the burn and the muscles working in this workout. I think sticking with this 2/wk and gym 3/wk will work on my core and keep up the cardio.

Working through this video for the first time was hard. A lot of the stretches I didn't feel ready to do. Also the cardio was really kicking my ass. You wouldn't think I spend 20 minutes on the elliptical 3/wk and treadmill 10 minutes 3/wk!

On Thursday, I need to remember to set up a chair for the balancing exercises. I also want to challenge myself to make it through the whole workout.

Now to cruise the other programs to see what I am working with for the next month (VOD usually keeps programs for a month before they change them out). After that, my book waits :)

I just discovered Exercise TV on Video On Demand! Some of the exercise DVDs I looked at are on the channel for free! I enjoy pilates, but I want to mix it up a bit. Working through the Never Say Diet book has challenged me to get cardio 5 days/wk instead of 3. Tomorrow I'm getting my sweats on and working through one of programs. Yay!! I'm excited!

Weight: 257

I need to buy a new scale. The one I have is telling me that I'm sitting around 260ish. The cool scale at the gym told me that I lost 3lbs! I'm totally sticking with that reading, lol.

The week wasn't the best for eating, but I still lost some weight. I want to concentrate on drinking more water and eating better. Luckily I froze a lot of leftover enchilada filling, so that will be good for dinner tonight. I think I also need to work on making food that can be frozen.
Nothing really to comment on.

No exercise today. Last night my stomach was pretty upset and I was clutching the toilet for awhile I was finally able to make it to bed nursing a 7Up. Hubby had to bring me a pan in case I couldn't make it to the bathroom. I curled up on my side fearful that I wouldn't sleep. Exercise didn't seem like the smartest idea, so I told myself I would be lax today. After sleeping in until nearly noon, I go out of bed feeling a lot better. I'm not sure what caused it, but I'm happy it didn't stick around!

I made something called Cowboy Stew last night. It calls for some bacon, so, in order to make it healthier, I subbed turkey bacon. Thoughts: NEVER AGAIN! Since I don't eat bacon often (maybe once every 2mo), I say give me the damn pig! Oh my goodness, that stuff is nasty! My hubby talked me into trying it this afternoon (I refused to eat it with the mean - It was a garnish). I did. I ran into the family room to eat one of his wasabi almonds. It was the only thing strong enough to clear my palette. *shudder*

I'm heading back to the gym tomorrow. Time to finish a week of shredding the elliptical for 20min.

Week 1, version 2

Bust: 49.5
Chest: 46
Waist: 48
Hips: 53.5
Thighs: 26
Arms: 16
Weight: 260

My numbers have come down! I messed up my waist measurement. According to the measurements for today, it has added inches. However, my pants have been sitting looser around the waist, so I think I must have done something wrong *shrug* Part of my brain is upset about the 10lbs. of weight, but I remind myself that muscle is heavier than fat. Since my measurements have come down, I think that is more telling of my progress than the scale.

w00t moment of the day (Peak Moment): I DID 20 CONTINUOUS MINUTES ON THE ELLIPTICAL MACHINE!! It was awesome! I also was able to get it at a higher intensity. I'm still not shredding the way some of the girls and guys are, but this is awesome for me! Just think, at the beginning of August, I could barely push myself for 5 minutes! The treadmill was a little easier today. Even though I am only pounding away 10 minutes on it, the past couple have weeks felt as though I really, really, really had to push myself. But today came out super easily. LoL, I have to say that Lady Gaga does help! When I'm dragging, I turn on Just Dance or Bad Romance and get a super boost of energy! Kind of like my own power drink ^_~

I admit that breakfast today was bad (McDonald's bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit and OJ). When we were at the store last night, we forgot to get more cheerios. I thought about just skipping and eating a slice of cheese when I got home. Really, with how much I did, that didn't sound like a good idea. Oh well, OJ is yummy and good :9

But I had a point with the admission. After I got my stuff at the drive-through, the lady at the window stopped me to comment on my tattoo! She kept going on about how pretty it was, that the Cheshire Cat reminded her of another cartoon cat, the colours were awesome, etc. I don't mean to toot my own horn . . . Ah, screw it, I will! Toot! Toot! ^_^

Today I feel good. Tired from the workout, but really energized. When I woke up this morning, it was all I could do to pull myself out of bed. Haha, you would never know it now ^__^ Hopefully, when I call jobs back, I will hear good news!

I'm been reading Never Say Diet on and off last night and today. I agree that a lifestyle changes must first come from our way of thinking about things and acceptance. However, while reading, I discovered a few landmines in her thought process. She makes it clear that her motivating factor was based on poor self-image and mind-reading. I have poor self-image, but I know that it won't change when/if I lose weight. I am who I am, with weight or without. And, after thinking about it, my self-image and self-esteem come from something more internal. The weight issue is just adding fuel to the fire.

She mentioned that she didn't like the way people looked at her. Well, how does she know? I don't know about her, but I cannot read peoples' mind. She mentions this as a part of losing control, which she uses as another huge basis for losing weight on her part (w/ diets you just kind of give up and do what they tell you to). But, you know what? I cannot control other people. The only person I can control is myself. It it my choice to look around and interpret everything as negative. Yes, I am guilty of it, but other people do not do it to me. And, if they are thinking bad thoughts, so what? I can either give them/negative feelings power in my life, or I can take charge and refuse to listen to the lies I tell myself. Losing weight/changing your lifestyle should never be about what you perceive others think of you. That is not healthy!

Another pet peeve, she talks about how diets don't work when the force you to eat things you hate. I can accept that; however, she then goes on to discuss how she did not allow anything she liked to enter her mouth. I understand, to a point. Changing your lifestyle and eating habits is not about denial! A balance needs to be made. Okay, you like to eat a slice of cheese cake once in a while. So what? Continued denial will only cause you to want it more. *shrug*

She decided to look at food as being bad. That turned into saying that food was not supposed to be fun; it was only necessary as fuel. Okay, okay, I can see the logic in that. But is food itself really the enemy? Why we chose to not accept our own issues (overeating, binging, etc.) and personify food by projecting these human traits on it? Does it really make weight loss that much better? Blaming something else instead of understanding your part doesn't allow change.

*shrug* These are my thoughts on the what I've read so far. I like the companion book, but I'm not going to follow it to a T. Adding stuff on the stability ball is cool, continue upping my time/intensity on the elliptical machine is good, but I want to stick with the stuff the PT told me to concentrate on. Also, I'm going to take everything at face value. She just provides different ideas and options to follow. Keeping a food journal and monitoring your physical activities are a good thing to keep you focused and accountable.

In less thoughtful news, I really don't want to got to the gym tomorrow! I got over half my tattoo coloured (he wants to do another sitting on Nov. 6), and it HURTS! Just doing simple movements really hurts. It feels bruised, tight, etc. Well, that means I need to be easier on my arm related exercises.

On a much light subject:

GETTING TATTOO COLOURED TODAY!

It didn't get coloured two weeks ago, because he said it was still healing. He didn't want to damage the new skint hat had already started to come in. Here's hoping that he will consider it good this afternoon. I'm so excited!!

When we get back, we might be heading to the cheap seats to what The Karate Kid with a buddy. Yay :)

How much of weight issues are rooted in just "settling"? Yes, I need to be able to accept myself the way I am now, but sometimes I feel as though it is settling. "Well, I'm going to be this way forever, so I have got to start learning to live with it/be comfortable with it." That's sad!

After some thought, I decided yo break down and buy Never Say Diet Again by Chantel Hobbs (as well as the personal fitness trainer companion). After reading about the book on Amazon (would you believe that I had never heard of her before?), it looked as though it might be a nice thing to try.

The failures of the past several weeks -- probably month -- I decided that I need to start over. I'm not waiting for the bandwagon to come by and pick me up, I'm putting my foot down and making a firm stance in my decision to life a healthy life. Yes, I believe that you don't need to be a size 6 to be healthy, but I wouldn't be too bad ^_~ LoL, my bones will never be small enough for a size 6. My momma blessed me with childbearing hips ^_^

Anyways, I read the first chapter of the book. She listed questions to provoke thought. Since keeping a journal helps show progress, it has also forced me to be transparent and really look at myself. Also, so many of the ladies in the blogosphere have been such an encouragement, and I want to be able to give that back. Well, back to the point, I'm officially starting on Monday (starting at the beginning of weeks are always better for me). However, I just wanted to take a moment and reflect on her questions.

Beyond losing weight, what do you most want to change about your life?
Honestly, I think it would be overall health. Coming from a long line of diabetes and stress induced heart disease, I don't want to open the door and invite that crap into my life. Also, I want to be able to go running with my hubby and puppy without dying from being out of shape or from my asthma. Getting healthy will help me get better control over that issue.

Are you willing to do whatever it takes to see certain areas of your life undergo radical change? If you're not yet willing, what is holding you back?
I don't know if this has fully sunk into my brain. Having an English degree, I can read the words, tell you what they mean, etc. However, there are a lot of issues that go into them. Yes, I want to undergo a change. And, yes, I can say I'm willing to do whatever it takes. However, I'm not sure if it has sunk into my brain fully . . .

As far as fear . . . I don't know. I'm afraid of stepping outside of my comfort zone and admitting that there is a problem. If I deny it, then I can go back to my blissful ignorance. However, doing that will result and diabetes and other health issues. I also do not feel as though I am good enough. Am I really worth it? My rational side says, "yes!" But my emotions tell me "no."

When you gained weight in the past, what factors caused you to lose your focus on health?
It was too hard, too much work, and not worth it. When it was discovered that Depo upped me blood pressure, I decided to leave all salt behind and say hello to a new diet. Yeah, that worked . . . For what, two minutes? I felt overwhelmed and discouraged.

Identify three reasons or influences from the past that convinced you that you couldn't achieve permanent change. After consider these reasons, can you now admit they were merely excuses?
You know, I really don't know how to answer this question. I make a lot of excuses for getting out of exercising, eating poorly, etc. But I don't know if there was any past concrete reason that influenced me. It might be rooted in my feelings of worth/lack thereof.

Think about the necessity of changing your mind before you attempt to change your body. Do you agree that lasting change begins on the inside? As you consider being the best you can be, are you ready to work from the inside out?
Short answer, yes. A lot of my weight issues come from my poor self-esteem and body-image. Coming to an understanding and a love of self creates an amazing amount of motivation. If you love yourself -- truly love yourself -- why would you want to remain in the same boat you're in? We would do anything to help lift our family and friends up, because we love them. Why should we treat ourselves any different?

A total life change involves your mind, body, and spirit, Think about the spiritual aspect for a moment. Do you accept the role that faith plays in the process of changing your life for good?
Even though I am a big video gamer, avid book reader, RPGing person, I still have a very deeply rooted belief in God. Too many times in my life, He has had to come in a save me. Literally! To me, if I look at God and His view of me, it will be easier to overcome all this crap and rise above it. Without His help, nothing.

When have you been held back by fear and failure? Write down your biggest fears in this regard. As you face your fears, can you decide to let them go and give your all to permanent life change?
I fear change. I fear being out of control (specifically, out my control). When I was a child, life was turbulent. I never had a strong base, and I never had a place of comfort. Because it was so turbulent, I had to find things that I could control. I'm also afraid to love myself. And I'm afraid to be loved by others. There are so many reasons I can put down, but it will never fully encompass the truth. I want to let them go. I am tired of living in this crap and lugging it around with me. I'm done. Finished. I want to open my hands and allow God to take control. But I'm scared . . .