Plus-Sized Pin Up

The outline is done. I need to head back in 1 -1.5mo. This was the hardest tattoo to get. I'm still going back and forth about sitting for another 1-2hrs. to get it coloured. Ouch!

I didn't see the draft until this afternoon. In some ways, I wanted a more artistic rendition of the Cheshire Cat, but I still think it turned out well. Originally, I asked him to try and incorporate white roses being painted red. He said it would have made it way too busy, so he just put roses are Cheshire. If I get it finished, he is going to have the red of the flowers taper out to white at the edges.

There was another couple in the parlor when I was getting mine done. When Diego had me turn around in the chair, the guy chuckled at me several times. I guess he thought my myriad of faces were hilarious. During the ending part, Diego told me I was twitching too much. Sheesh, I didn't even notice. And, strangely enough, the part that goes onto my breasts hurt, too! I figured that the fleshy/meaty areas wouldn't be too much of an issue. Wrong! The pain over the breastbone was very intense, but I think they hurt about the same.

If I get the full colour, I will definitely have to psych myself up to it. If I knew the pain would be that bad, I wouldn't have gotten it. That's not to say that I don't like it. I do. It is awesome! But the pain was over the top! Even the "phantom tattooing" and after bur
n is far more painful that my shoulder. The odd thing is my shoulder is less meaty/fleshy, and it didn't hurt that much. I remember the colouring hurt worse than the outlining.

Sheesh, it almost feels as though I got punched in the chest. When I got my Kanji, it didn't bleed; it bruised. On my shoulder piece, I bled like a stuck pig. Ronan -- my artist -- said that I wasn't bleeding over much, but Angel thought it was a ton. (Honestly, when I saw the paper towels he used to wipe up some ink, I thought it was a shitload myself!) This one feels like the first. Needless to say, punched in the chest :P

We ended up at Johnny Carino's for dinner. It was a wonderful treat to eat tiramisu! I ate maybe 4 bites of my dinner and a few pieces of the bread loaf. I had my priorities!
*^_____^*

Now I need to figure out how to sleep. I'll need to use a pretty big, lose fitting shirt. My favorite way to sleep is on my stomach. Every night I roll onto my stomach and stretch out.

It's time to relax and enjoy Final Destination 4. Nothing like a horror movie to make me feel better -- and to get me ready for bed ^_~

**In case it is hard to read, the text says, "We're all mad here."**

I need to clean my 'fridge out more often. Ick!

Here's hoping that a weekly menu will help me stay on top of the things lurking in the 'fridge!

This is taken from It's just Me, Drazil & Sheniqua:

1. What is your favorite genre of movies? (comedy/romance/horror/action)

For the most part, I will watch just about any genre. But, to be honest, I love horror movies. To me, watching a good slasher is a good evening ^_~

2. What do you order when you eat Chinese food?

I love Chinese food! It makes it hard having the best damn Chinese I've eaten anywhere!

When we go, I either order Mongolian Chicken, Shredded Pork with Hot Garlic Sauce, or veggie Chow Mein. Sometimes I'll lean towards veggie Mu Shu. Wait, wait, we cannot forget the potstickers/dumplings! Damn, I want to go get Chinese for dinner!

3. Okay no one kill me for this one - and don't answer if you don't want to BUT I just saw some preview for Dr. Phil on swingers and I wondered - what's your take on swingers.....for it, against it, do it, would never do it, etc.?

I guess whatever floats your boat. What is good for the goose is not good for the gander. My husband and I feel very strongly in the bonds and sanctity of marriage. Plus, I would rip the skin off any women for putting her hands on my man. *Ahem* That is not to say my husband would get away with it.

4. Let's go back to a repeat question. Pick one thing you'll do one next week that is for your physical/mental health.

I've started working on pilates and yoga during the week, but I haven't gotten my ass in gear to get cardio into the picture. I would like to start taking Juneau for walks and working on "heel." Pulling out the trusty DDR pad would also feel pretty good ^_^

5. Repeat question. Which blog or comment stuck with you the most this week and why?

I've just started reading *Bitch Cakes*. Her latest post about getting to her goal weight was really inspiring. Even though I am not following something like Weight Watchers, her journey and struggle has proven that determination and hard work does -- and will -- pay off in the long wrong.

Her ups and downs during her journey have really encouraged me in my own struggles. Reading her blog has made me feel optimistic and energy charged!

I feel a bit discouraged, but I'm trying to tell myself that everything will work out.

After putting together the menu for next week and writing up a shopping list, my husband looked at it and was concerned about the amount of money we might be spending. After buying our house last September, money is a little tight. I'm hoping that we can both sit down with the menu and find alternative items. Plus, as long as it isn't things like ketchup, I don't have issues buying generic. That will cut down the cost.

Well, I need to think positive! Things will work out!

On the up and up, it turns out that my husband's employer will reimburse us for half of the gym membership! And, I must have missed it, I can pay monthly! That way I don't have to pay a lump sum of $300+. Some of this is really making me encouraged about God's support.

I've been sitting here drawing up tattoo ideas. Sheesh, I am such an ink lush! After watching The Runaways, I was reminded of my childhood. I grew up singing Cherry Bomb at the top of my lungs in defiance to my parents ^_~ It would rock if Angel and I got ankle cherry bomb tattoos. I've been working on some ideas: a cherry with a fuse, incorporating the cherry in "cherry bomb," adding leaves to the fuse, pin up girl, etc. Aside from doodling in class, I haven't picked up a pencil to draw something in a LONG time. It feels good!

Today was a pilates morning. Juneau wouldn't stay outside, so it was more stressful. Being a puppy, she wanted to check things out, walk all over my mat, get into my face while I was working on the ground, etc. I spent a lot of time pushing her away. Hmm, it must be a different form of pilates: Dog Pilates! ^_~

Man, I feel good after a shower. I actually took the time to put on make-up this morning. Today feels like a good day!

Oh, happy P.O.E.T.S. day!

Tomorrow, CHEST TATTOO!!!! *happy white girl dance*

Menu: August 1 - 7
Day 1:
Breakfast: Honey Nut Cheerios with milk (?)
Lunch: Chipotle Sloppy Joes and Crunchy Coleslaw (406)
Dinner: Southwestern Mac 'n Cheese (231), Dill Mustard Asparagus (29)
Total (currently): 666 (heehee)

Day 2:
Breakfast: Honey Nut Cheerios with milk (?)
Lunch: Chipotle Sloppy Joes and Crunchy Coleslaw (406)
Dinner: Black Bean and Rice Enchiladas (279), Sunflower Broccoli Salad (121)
Total (currently): 806

Day 3:
Breakfast: Honey Nut Cheerios with milk (?)
Lunch: Southwestern Mac 'n Cheese (231), Dill Mustard Asparagus (29)
Dinner: Spinach Manecotti (345)
Total (currently): 605

Day 4:
Breakfast: Honey Nut Cheerios with milk (?)
Lunch: Black Bean Enchiladas (279), Sunflower Broccoli Salad (121)
Dinner: Shepherd's Pie (390), Scalloped Brussels Sprouts (89)
Total (currently): 879

Day 5:
Breakfast: Honey Nut Cheerios with milk (?)
Lunch: Spinach Manecotti (390)
Dinner: Mexican Pizza (142)
Total (currently): 532

Day 6:
Breakfast: Honey Nut Cheerios
Lunch: Shepherd's Pie (390), Scalloped Brussels Sprouts (89)
Dinner: Beef Stroganoff (240)
Total (currently): 719

Day 7:
Breakfast: Honey Nut Cheerios with milk (?)
Lunch: Beef Stroganoff (240)
Dinner: Open-Faced Warm Chicken Salad Sandwiches (182), French-Style Simmered Green Beans (40)
Total (currently): 462

Possible Snacks:

• Peaches and Cream Smoothie (110)
• Tropical Mango Smoothie (94)
• Cheesy Pita Crips (95)
• Olive Pepper Pinwheels (68)

Possible Drinks:

• Bottoms-Up Cherry Limeade (52)

Here is my first menu for the week. I have not added in snacks and Honey Nut Cheerios with milk calories. I'm happy about going back to Cheerios for breakfast. While still in classes, I used to get up every morning and eat them. It was always a nice start for the day.

Working on this menu has made me feel even more encouraged! It felt as though I had to fight to find enough to add up to 1500 calories! There will be a lot of space in the food I eat. Since I don't really want to give up pop, I found 100 calorie cans at the store. Also, if we don't have enough time, grabbing lunch won't screw everything up!

I found some awesome recipes online this evening. Unfortunately, some of them do not give the nutritional information. Working with this menu, I can make sure there is enough leeway in the menu to make them ^____^

Angel left this afternoon. In some ways I'm happy to get the house back to myself, but that means I need to stop avoiding things. My cookbooks are calling from the shelf telling me that I need to start menu planning. I'm still trying to get hubby to find out about the rec center and company. I need to start yoga and pilates again. It is kind of hard to work through with someone else in the house.

We watched Zombieland this morning. Angel had never seen it. In honour of it, she bought a box of Twinkies and Zingers. She decided to leave me half of what was left :P I might eat a few, but I don't need all that junk in my system. Even under normal conditions, I don't really eat that type of food. I might send it with my skinny hubby to work. I'm sure a lot of people would appreciate them.

Goofing off on the internet has heralded some neat things. I've found a couple of blogs devoted to low fat cooking. The recipes look awesome! It encourages me! Voicing my fears helped me to see that this lifestyle change is not about denying myself. It is about finding a balance. Hey, Coke once in awhile won't kill me. Occasionally going to one of our favorite restaurants is not something to avoid. Everything in moderation. I am fully convinced that God created food for us to enjoy. We just allow it to become a god and stronghold in our life. I'm tired of letting that rule my life.

Paying close attention to the people around me, I notice that I'm not that far off. I just need to rethink things. We only eat out for convenience, so making weekly menus will help. I'm already on the bandwagon of portion control. I won't have issues maintaining that.

I got a couple of graphic novels in the mail yesterday. My hubby's aunt gave me a large gift certificate to Amazon for my graduation gift. I completely splurged and got a couple of books, graphic novels, some new car seat covers (all pink skulls ^_~), and other things. Lol, more stuff to contribute to my rather sedate lifestyle :P

Tell me, is it bad to enjoy sitting and reading a book, playing a video game, watching a movie? I've always been rather stationary.

I put in for another job this past week. The City is hiring some office associate. The University is also hiring for the same type of position. I'm praying that God will bring something to me. For some reason I don't want to work a "you-want-fries-with-that" job after getting my degree.

A week ago, we all went to the Renaissance Festival in Larkspur Colorado. They had a booth selling awesome belly dancing silks. I would love to go back, buy some, and find a good belly dancing DVD. I'm all about doing things in the privacy of my own home *^_^*

Angel and I went up to Riverton to place her mother's grave stone. We sat around with the women folk and watched the men sweat and get dirty. It was fun just shooting the breeze with her family and friends. We had awesome tattoo conversation, which ended in a tattoo show-and-tell :)

After everything was said and done, her family and I had dinner at the local Italian restaurant. Those were some of the best calzones I have ever eaten. Yum! I had leftovers for breakfast and now my acid is flaring up again :(

We were planning on getting my chest piece done, but I never got a hold of the shop yesterday. The soonest they can get me in is Saturday @ 4pm. I really want Angel to come, but she has to head back to work tomorrow. But my hubby has never been with me to get ink, so it will be an interesting experience. I'm thinking that the spicy-ness (aka pain) might be a bit more than my full shoulder tattoo. Meh, I sat for my shoulder for 2.5hrs, so I can handle the chest piece. I'll post pictures when I get it done.

Off to forage for food.

"Danger, curves ahead!"

My bff, Angel, just said this to me. I thought it would make everyone laugh :) We are all beautiful, curvy women. We should be proud of that ^_~

God just answered an un-prayer. I have been worrying about going to the gym and getting motivation to continue going. If my bff was in town, I would convince her to go to the rec centre with me. Well, I've been thinking a lot about this the past week and came to no conclusions.

This afternoon another friend of mind came to visit. She also wants to lose weight. I mentioned that I want to start heading to the rec centre. She said she would get a membership and start going with every MWF @ 5am! We might start next week, but it depends on funds at my end. I'm praying that God helps it happen after answering the un-prayer of mine :)

I feel pumped and energized!

Couldn't obesity and bulimia/anorexia been seen as the same thing only on the extreme ends of the scale? I guess what I mean is that they can all be viewed as an eating disorder. That being the case, why is our society promoting bulimia and anorexia? While they are doing this, they attack fat people. Why does my insurance rate have to go up if I'm over a certain weight? Couldn't somebody suffering from anorexia or bulimia have the same risk factor?

In older cultures fat women were considered beautiful and healthy. Now you get yelled at for being a certain BMI (which has been proven to be complete bullshit), a certain weight, etc. At what point do we need to start focusing on health?

Example: If I'm an overweight person who exercises several times a day, know all of my blood workup (which, for the sake of this example, is very, very good), etc. Why am I considered a risk factor? Why do people tell me I'm not healthy? At what point did health become synonymous with being skinny?

I'm tired of hearing, "It is your own fault that you're fat." You know, everyone is born with the total amount of fat cells they will ever have. At some level, being a larger person can be a genetic issue. I'm not saying that it gives us the license to go out and binge eat and stop taking care of ourselves!

What if I never lose weight? What if I cannot return to the size 14? Does that automatically make me unhappy?

I would rather have an overweight child who loves and accepts who they are than a child constantly worrying about self-image/pleasing others. I believe very strongly that happiness is one of the keys to good health!

**If this post is offensive to some people due to eating disorders and the like, I'm sorry! I am in no way trying to attack those people. My point is our societIal view of health and weight.**

Surfing around all the awesome weight loss blogs out there, I stumbled across



Charlie is really inspiring. Looking at her pictures make me feel encouraged. I really need that at the moment.

Thinking about the close of the month makes me think about the changes I am going to make. And it kind of makes me nervous. I need to make this change I want to make this change. But the coming change scares me.

I had ice cream for dinner tonight followed by Doritos. I felt really guilty. Even thinking about it know really makes me feel bad about myself. With the possibility of diabetes in the future, eating ice cream for dinner really isn't a smart choice

When hubby got up to feed and let out Juneau, I roused myself from bed and stumbled into the bathroom in search of the scale. My official weight is going to come next week, but I was driven my curiosity. Honestly, my weight didn't surprise me, but I was still saddened nonetheless. Last time my checked my weight, I was just barely over 200. That was a few years ago.

I wish I could tell that scared part of my brain that this is about taking back control. I am in control, not my weight! It no longer defines who I am.

This is going to take a lot of support. My sweet hubby is totally supportive. Juneau is definitely on the band wagon ^_~ She is excited about more walks and outings! Deep down, I'm scared that I will sabotage myself. I used to ride my bike all the time, eat healthy, etc., but in the end I always fall back. Sometimes that ice cold Coke sounds pretty damn good! Or getting tiramisu. It feels as though I am denying myself. Well, in a way, I guess I am . . . I'm denying myself good health, a chance to escape diabetes and heart disease, more years to live, and so on. I can say that, but it is hard to accept.

Why is everything that is worth doing always end up the hardest damn thing to accomplish?

God wants me to be healthy. I'm not getting on the preachy, "Your body is a temple." While I can see the argument for that, I think it goes a lot farther. God does not want me to continue in my unhealthy lifestyle. That includes a bad self image, dwindling spiritual life, feeling sick, relationships with others, etc.

I'm going to need to put my trust in God. He gives us the strength when we are week. He raises us up. I know I have a good support system. Sometimes I feel as though I am alone in all thing. God bless all the authors of those weight loss blogs. They have been such an encouragement to me. It shows me that I am not alone and that it can/has been done!

Is it bad that I would like to spend the afternoon in our hammock reading my book? Juneau would enjoy me out there . . . Not that I would be paying attention to her . . . Until she jumps on my head. Crazy puppy!

I could also be happy on the couch where it is slightly cooler.

Dammit, I want to be lazy!

NOAA says that it is 84 outside. It feels hotter while walking a dog. You would think that walking her to the mailbox and back would be a simple endeavor. Hardly! She is in the process of learning "heel". Being a Husky, she was born to pull (we're teaching her to pull ONLY on a harness), so you can imagine the scene. I'm trying to walk while pulling her back saying, "heel." At which point, Juneau decides that "heel" means "pull" (or we say, "hike").

One step, pull Juneau back saying "heel" > One step, pull Juneau back saying "heel" > . . .

On top of that, we have a cluster mailbox approx a block and half. One step, pulling Juneau back saying "heel," plus an 84 degree high makes for an interesting walk.

Needless to say, I am very out of shape! Covered with sweat, I collapsed on the couch and drank nearly 1 pint in less than minute. It makes me feel better that Juneau is just about as beat. But, I have to wonder, how much is being out of shape or the heat. I could argue it was all of the above.

As state earlier, "DOG FOR YOUR HEALTH!"

Today was a Pilates morning. I use Windsor Pilates. My chiropractor recommended it, and I've enjoyed it ever since. The DVD I have uses the Pilates circle. It is a 20min. workout. I can feel the burn in my legs!

I decided to alternate Pilates and yoga, because yoga seems less . . . Intense? But I think yoga is kicking my ass more than Pilates!

Once this month is over, I'm considering getting a membership to the gym. Pilates and yoga are nice and work muscle differently, but I need to cardio. I still wonder if 20min/day of DDR will count. I already have, so I won't have to shell out more cash. Unfortunately, I will need to push a lot of furniture out of the way. When we moved our living room space kind of went down. In our previous house, the living room space was so large that it had to be turned into two rooms. Needless to say, I had enough space!

It kind of feels weird doing all this stuff without starting the diet change. I tell myself that I need to get in the habit of exercising one way or the other. You know what? This has been my first full week of doing exercise! I'm so proud of myself. The weather looks nice, so maybe we can get Juneau out hiking. That counts as aerobic activity, right?

I'm still trying to decide if I'm going to have weigh-ins and measurements. As stated earlier, I want to lose the weight, but I don't want it to become the focus. It would be nice to see my progress . . . But I still have reservations ._.

Dogs are good for health and well being. Taking Juneau to puppy obedience classes really forces me to get off my ass and work. Since the class is learning "heel," we walk around half of a HUGE arena several times and different intervals. In class this evening, we tried to socialize our puppies. Juneau is a very excitable Huksy, so I needed to keep an eye on her and be down at her level. I got some good stretching done.

The old adage is right, "A tired puppy [Husky] is a happy puppy [Husky]." Siberians have a high energy level. I admit that my husband and I are not high energy or extremely active people -- please note that he is a bean pole U_U When we bought a house, I really wanted to get a dog. We were considering a Corgi for a long time, but we ended up falling in love with Juneau (then named Pepsi). We did a lot of research into the breed and decided to get her. A few of my husband's coworkers were horrified that we got a Husky and lectured us for not having an active lifestyle. What they refused to listen to was that was one of our driving reasons for getting Juneau: We wanted a more active lifestyle and having the puppy would help us get off of our asses. I love my 3 cats, but talk about LAZY!

This summer we have spent more time outside, going into the mountains for hiking, etc. Our class is encouraging us to work on "heel" in the park, so that gives us more exercise time. In addition, my husband is trying to teach her to pull. Being a Husky, that is her natural inclination. We hope to get her doing cani-cross and skyjoring soon. Since I love to ride my bike, I want her to learn bikejoring. When she is older and gets through obedience class, I want to get her started in agility. Talk about a workout!

In short, owning a dog goes a long way in getting motivated to exercise. Plus, it is a lot of fun spending time with a dog.

I went into the Rec Center today. They gave me a schedule (won't do me good, all the classes started already) and the pay rates. My husband's employer pays for part of the bill, but it is still high! They have niece facilities, but not enough to justify over $300/yr! I wonder if it will really be helpful, or if DDR 20mn 3x/wk will be enough to get my aerobic exercise. I don't know. The advantage to the gym, paying the money will give me more incentive to keep going.

While I was out, I applied for a job with the City. I had to take a typing test. Arg, I had to retake it, and it still was not wonderful. At least I had an 86% accuracy. I'm hoping God will bring me a job. With student loans to start paying off, buying a house, etc., I need to find some income. With a degree, I don't want to end up at a "do-you-want-fires-with-that" job!

After working on yoga, I started reading weight loss blogs. They are all awesome, and they bring hope. However, one of the blogs really stuck out to me was: 344 Pounds. I've been afraid of trying this lifestyle change on my own, but I resist joining Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, etc. I got some good cookbooks and count my calories. This guy did the same thing! And he showed how a lower calorie diet didn't have to be very restrictive. If I want to, I can eat 2 burgers from MacDonald's or get fajitas are Chili's!

. . . diets don’t work — they lack sustainability, the ability to be followed everyday without fail. Diets that require you to eliminate (note, I didn’t say limit) a certain food group everyday for the rest of your life will not be something you can stick with, regardless of your will power. Likewise, diets that require you to eat only one thing will only be temporary, as well.

This is very encouraging! My fear with things like Weight Watchers is that it isn't necessarily sustainable. Since I want to make a lifestyle change, it is better to learn calorie counting -- determining it on a food-by-food basis.

I've felt pretty energized and optimistic about this process. Reading all of these blogs have really encouraged me. I can do it!

I was feeling lazy and didn't want to do yoga. But Juneau was outside and the cats were eating, so it was the perfect time. Parts of the poses kick my ass, but it is really rewarding. I know that it is about slow, controlled movements, but my muscle feel as though they have been worked pretty hard. I find it rather interesting that you're building muscle without the use of weights.

Exercise:
MWF - Pilates
TR - Yoga
weekend - rest/go hiking with my husband and Juneau (we're trying to teach her how to pull ^_~)

My yoga DVD rocks! It is called Just My Size Yoga. It is taught by a plus-size model who has studied yoga and changed some of the moves/poses to accommodate plus-sized girls.

I cannot start making weekly menus and adding in healthier food until the beginning of the month. This has been a pretty tight month, and I'm not sure how we're going to make it to the end T_T I guess that's what it means to buy a house and become an adult U_U

Fish! Why does it always have to be fish?

My doctor told me I needed to embrace a 1500 cal/day diet. So, being me, I bought a recipe book in hopes that I could try to fit that into my diet. But, sadly, those diets always want to feed you fish!

If there was a bane of my eating existence, it would be fish. Not only do the sea dwellers taste and smell absolutely foul, they hit my stomach and come back. If one must eat fish, it tastes so much worse coming back!

Problem #2: Chicken/poultry. I grew up hearing the wisdom of my grandfather rattling around in my brain: "Fowl is foul." Those words are still true to me today. However, I've been willing to open up and put the occasional chicken strips on my salad. But, if I get right down to it, chicken is not my favorite meat.

Really digging into it, I enjoy beef. Just give me the damn cow, and I'll be happy!

At the end of the day, I am a picky eater. I figure that I have the right to control what goes into my body. Even though I love veggies, I am a grease girl all the way! This view of mine has led me astray too many times. I can justify ice cream even when I'm full -- "It sounds good, and I want it." I want to teach myself and make it a habit to wisely consider every morsel that enters my mouth. But, at the same time, I want to enjoy food. If it was so bad, God wouldn't have made it.

I wonder if Geneen Roth's 7 eating guidelines will help me:

1. Eat when you are hungry
2. Eat sitting down in a calm environment. This does not include the car.
3. Eat without distractions. Distractions include radio, television, newspapers, books, intense of anxiety-producing conversations of music.
4. Eat what your body wants.
5. Eat until you are satisfied.
6. Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others.
7. Eat with enjoyment, gusto and pleasure

How do I incorporate these guidelines into a 1500 cal/day diet or even a diabetic diet? Honestly, sometimes I just want a Snickers! Maybe trying to eliminate certain things from my diet and replacing them with better options. Really, I don't knows how to live by these guidelines and still lose weight. One way or the other, it can be done. Geneen Roth has lived this way for a long time, and she has lost massive amounts of weight. She has also maintained! I'm hoping that digging deeper into this book will help me understand these guidelines better.

I want to start menu planning. We tried it for a week, and we failed miserably! I don't know. My taste buds might want something different than what is planned. Maybe I should mix up the recipes based on what I want. I should make a list of recipes for a week, do the shopping, and then decide on what I make depending on what I want. It might work. This will also help me to incorporate the lower calorie and diabetic food.

I want to lose weight. I would get plastic surgery if I had the money. This all seems vain. If I'm not happy with who I am, I am screwed at any weight. I'm going back and forth on whether I should do monthly/bi-monthly weight-ins and measurements. It would be nice to see my progress, but I don't want to put all my focus on weight loss. I don't want weight to be the central focus of this endeavor.

Goal: Good health

Change. It is amazing how one simple word evokes so many emotionally charged views. When someone changes, everyone around them must change in response. Life is change. Look around at the world; we can see it in the seasons. Being such a natural occurrence and a cornerstone of life, why do we reject and resist change?

It's hard.

We have to fess up to the conditions we live in: emotional chains, roles attributed by family and/or friends, health, etc.

I'm ready for a change. I'm ready to embrace a healthier lifestyle. All the junk in my life has been weighing me down. Waking up every morning, I suffer from the weight of all this junk on my shoulders.

After changing my birth control, my new doctor wants me to start trying to take the weight off. She even mentioned a diet pill. While I miss being smaller, I have to wonder what is truly more important -- losing weight and continue in the same destructive habits or find a balanced and healthy lifestyle?

If I am not healthy in any part of my life, I will suffer. Losing weight isn't all of it. If I cannot learn to love myself at my current size, than I will never be happy with my looks at a size 14. No amount of weight loss will ever change my deeply rooted feelings. At no point am I trying to say losing weight it a wrong thing. I'm trying to say that society has given false reasons for weight loss.

I come from a family with a history of heart disease (mostly stress induced on my father's side) and deeply rooted diabetes (my maternal grandmother, great-aunts, and my father). This is not something to play with! People die from improper care and ignorance! Even though I am not diabetic, this is definitely a health concern -- according to my mom, it skips generations. Being 27, this is a perfect time to learn to watch and change my eating habits.

And, though it hurts to admit it, I am lazy. Even as a kid, I preferred a much more sedate lifestyle. Reading books, drawing, or playing video games held massive amounts of enjoyment. I never though too much about it. But, on Saturday, it finally dawned on me how bad I am. Not only am I out of shape, I am carrying too much weight, and I suffer from asthma. Imagine that at a Renaissance Festival where walking up and down hills is part of the experience. How many times did I have to stop? I don't know. I was constantly out of breath, couldn't hold a conversation without panting, etc. Even walking across my house can cause an issue. With asthma, I'm not sure how much is from laziness and weight, but that is not a excuse to strengthen my heart and lungs.

My focus will not be on losing weight. I want to find a balanced and healthy lifestyle.

It's time. It's my time.

I've been thinking a lot lately. Being out of classes for the past week and liquefying my brain seems to counter that statement. During my stint on the couch, I happened to catch an episode of Oprah. Her guest was the author of the book Women, Food and God. This book offers another way to lose weight. She counters the idea that dieting and counting calories is the key for weight loss. She says that, at some level, we are all emotional eaters. Once we are honest with ourselves and face that root head on, we are able to loss the pounds.

Me: I feel as though I've never been an emotional eater. Food and I just seem to have a win/lose relationship. If I am honest with myself, I do tend to munch all day due to boredom. However, to me, that never felt like emotional eating. The view I had orbited around the girl eating a gallon of chocolate ice cream after a break up, ______ (fill in the blank with your own misconceptions). When this woman discussed the root of emotional eating, I really didn't think it applied. I was reaching for my XBox 360 remote and head back into Batman: Arkham Asylum. But some nagging feeling told me to give her a shot.

Oprah talked about an episode telling a friend "no." She would feel guilty and eat bad food (now replaced with lettuce). She started thinking back to a time in her life where "no" was no allowed. She talked about how her grandmother raised her and punished her. She was never allowed to cry and told to "suck it up." After that, she felt was though she was never good enough.

Wow.

That hit home.

Background: I grew up with a BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) parent. She tended to fixate on me. I was always her ally, and , consequently, her victim. As a child, I never had a safe environment. My mother abused me, physically and emotionally; I was molested; and my father retreated to his office and left my brother and I to deal with her. During fights -- even after hurting me -- she would storm off to her room in tears. I was expected to go down and apologize to her, because I did something wrong. We were never allowed to confront her with this, we had to suck it up, crying was met with more physical abuse, and the so on.

My thoughts stared brewing, and I was thrust back into this old pain. I was never "good enough." I had to spend my time on eggshells in fear that something might set her off. I always had to test the waters, so to speak. My feelings were never important, saying "no" was never allowed . . . Basically, my life revolved around her. Really, in order to survive that environment, I had to always be on alert. It was a hostile and unsafe childhood.

How did all of this fit into this concept of emotionally eating? As far as I was concerned, I didn't have that problem. I usually had other areas to emote in. But it dawned on me: why could I never lose weight even with diet and exercise, why did my waist line keep getting bigger when I ate well, why has my sedentary lifestyle getting worse? The answer, I'm not good enough.

Short, simple, and straight to the point. I'm not good enough.

Getting down to the nitty-gritty, the root was fear.

Honestly, I'm still looking at this and working through all of the facets. I am planning on buying Women, Food and God. That's why I've started this journal -- someplace to record my progress toward a healthier life. It is time to start taking care of myself.