Plus-Sized Pin Up

I've been thinking a lot lately. Being out of classes for the past week and liquefying my brain seems to counter that statement. During my stint on the couch, I happened to catch an episode of Oprah. Her guest was the author of the book Women, Food and God. This book offers another way to lose weight. She counters the idea that dieting and counting calories is the key for weight loss. She says that, at some level, we are all emotional eaters. Once we are honest with ourselves and face that root head on, we are able to loss the pounds.

Me: I feel as though I've never been an emotional eater. Food and I just seem to have a win/lose relationship. If I am honest with myself, I do tend to munch all day due to boredom. However, to me, that never felt like emotional eating. The view I had orbited around the girl eating a gallon of chocolate ice cream after a break up, ______ (fill in the blank with your own misconceptions). When this woman discussed the root of emotional eating, I really didn't think it applied. I was reaching for my XBox 360 remote and head back into Batman: Arkham Asylum. But some nagging feeling told me to give her a shot.

Oprah talked about an episode telling a friend "no." She would feel guilty and eat bad food (now replaced with lettuce). She started thinking back to a time in her life where "no" was no allowed. She talked about how her grandmother raised her and punished her. She was never allowed to cry and told to "suck it up." After that, she felt was though she was never good enough.

Wow.

That hit home.

Background: I grew up with a BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) parent. She tended to fixate on me. I was always her ally, and , consequently, her victim. As a child, I never had a safe environment. My mother abused me, physically and emotionally; I was molested; and my father retreated to his office and left my brother and I to deal with her. During fights -- even after hurting me -- she would storm off to her room in tears. I was expected to go down and apologize to her, because I did something wrong. We were never allowed to confront her with this, we had to suck it up, crying was met with more physical abuse, and the so on.

My thoughts stared brewing, and I was thrust back into this old pain. I was never "good enough." I had to spend my time on eggshells in fear that something might set her off. I always had to test the waters, so to speak. My feelings were never important, saying "no" was never allowed . . . Basically, my life revolved around her. Really, in order to survive that environment, I had to always be on alert. It was a hostile and unsafe childhood.

How did all of this fit into this concept of emotionally eating? As far as I was concerned, I didn't have that problem. I usually had other areas to emote in. But it dawned on me: why could I never lose weight even with diet and exercise, why did my waist line keep getting bigger when I ate well, why has my sedentary lifestyle getting worse? The answer, I'm not good enough.

Short, simple, and straight to the point. I'm not good enough.

Getting down to the nitty-gritty, the root was fear.

Honestly, I'm still looking at this and working through all of the facets. I am planning on buying Women, Food and God. That's why I've started this journal -- someplace to record my progress toward a healthier life. It is time to start taking care of myself.