Plus-Sized Pin Up

We went out for lunch this afternoon. It was to one of our local pseud-vegetarian bistros. I had a basil, tomato, and cheddar sandwich and corn chips. Usually I eat the whole sandwich, but I was quite happy with half of it. However, I indulged. I had part of a piece of chocolate Bavarian mint cheese cake :9 It was too rich and I was full, so I didn't end up finishing it.

After doing my pilates, I spent most of the day reading! It's been awhile since I've just sat down and read for hours. HaHa, it actually felt really good.

I talked to Bob yesterday. He is still working for the student radio. He says that they still need to fill a lot of time slots, so I asked if I could come back. He was very amenable to the idea. I dropped him a line this afternoon asking if I could do any evening show. When I get a job, that will be the best time. I'm not planning on going back to two shows a week. I'm thinking one time a week for two hours. It will be nice to head back. It gives me something to do. They are planning on getting everything officially scheduled by the 17th. Yay! Sinn Wagon will return!

I admit it, this morning I didn't want to go to the gym. After getting to bed a little late, Juneau got me up three times! The second time, it was 10min. after I put her back in her bed and I started to sleep. It might have been a good idea to get hubby up to take care of her, but I didn't want her to mess her crate. Unfortunately, he is known to take forever to take her out.

Last night, I got some aerobic activity for the weekend. While we were at our church journey group. Juneau had an accident in her crate. She was covered in her own mess. I felt pretty badly for her. Needless to say, she got a bath. HaHa, that was an adventure! She screams like I am taking her skin off! Holy cow! Well, the result is nice. She is all soft and fluffy ^_^

After dragging myself out of bed this morning, I did make it to the gym. Even though I didn't tone down anything, today felt fairly good. The first 5min on the elliptical went by so quickly! I'm glad I moved myself up to 10min. Next week I'm planning on upping it another 5min. I am conquering that thing! Yay me!!

While at the gym, I stopped hubby's dance teacher. She was really going all out on the elliptical! Watching her made me feel tired! I also saw my one of my professors! Both of them were really shredding it! With a ballet teacher, it makes a lot of sense. And my professor is an active, outdoorsy person. It was neat ^_^

I go in to finally get my hair cut and coloured. I usually get it done every 6 weeks, but the timing was terrible. As it stands, I need to head back and pay her when we get our check on Wednesday. Luckily my stylist is a sweetie! I've been with her for 5 years or more. It would be awesome if she would hire me as a receptionist ^_~

*blink* I'm tempted to take a morning nap. The gym has given me energy, but I'm still exhausted from my night.

After getting a late start, we made it down to Denver. I was able to get more bras -- very expensive -- and found out that they will fix my broken ones for FREE!!! Next time we head down there, I need to remember to take them with. Knowing that fact will mean I won't have to spend $$$ to get more when the under wire breaks.

I stopped by Lane Bryant on the way home. I was able to find a really pretty, saturated button-down shirt. Due to the neckline, it shows the upper most part of my tattoo, but it is pretty professional looking. I'm not planning on drawing attention to it, and I won't mention it unless it the interviewer brings it up. The awesome thing was that everything at the store was 40% off! What would have been a nearly $100+ purchase (I did get two other things besides the shirt) was only around $60. LoL, I'm glad we didn't stay there. A lot of the stuff was pretty spiffy, and I wouldn't have found something else to buy. I had to keep hubby from hitting the Sushi place because it is in the same mall as Torrid!! That and Lane Bryant together would have been bad news!!

I just got two graphic novels in the mail!!! HeeHee, my geek is showing B-)

I just got my first blog award! Thanks, Roxie! I'm not really sure what this means, but I'm excited and blessed nonetheless!

So the rules are:

1. Post who gave you this award
2. State 10 things you like
3. Give this award to 10 other bloggers and notify them with a comment

1. Reading: Having a degree in English, I'm sure this surprises most people ^_~ I've loved books since my mother started reading to me as a child. For the most part, I would only read fantasy novels. Now, I have to say, urban fantasy and horror spark my interest. Wanting to expand my horizons, I started picking up general fiction, and I love them too ^_^ I've been part of a 50 book challenge -- you read 50+ books a year -- for several years. The first year didn't herald much success, but lately I've been averaging well over 50.

2. Drawing: I've been doodling on my notes for years and messing around with crayons. Wanting to expand my drawing horizons, I started drawing anime pictures from reference. It just took off from there. After taking a drawing course -- and passing with flying colours *pats back* -- I kind of lost my desire. It is starting to return, but slowly.

3. Video Games: I remember when the NES came out. My brother got one for Christmas. Before that, we played my grandfather's Comador 64. Same with Roxie, I remember playing MUDS when I was younger. For some reason, the highly interactive RPG style games don't hold my interest as much as others. LoL, a lot of guys don't want to believe that every gaming system in the house -- aside from the Wii -- belong to me. Currently, I have a Sega Genesis, PS1, PS2, Xbox, and Xboc 360. At the moment, I have playing my way through Batman: Arkham Asylum, Silent Hill: Homecoming, and Brutal Legend. When I want mindless game play, I put in Guitar Hero.

4. Graphic novels/Comics: I was always facinated by the art in graphic novels an comics, but I didn't get into them until I took an English class dedicated to them. My favorite is the Sandman series by Neil Gaiman, Hack/Slash, Fables, and some standalone like Th Watchmen (read it a LONG time before the movie came out).

5. Batman: Even though I never read the Batman comics as a kid, the movies and TV show sprouted a respect for Wayne. The Dark Knight is my favorite Batman movie. A class required for graduation in the English department is a seminar class. We have to write papers and present them as though we were at a conference. My paper was about Batman (Frank Miller's version) and Rorschach. I argued that in order to become the hero, they must first become monsters so they are able to move outside the limits/lines of society. In The Dark Knight, Batman taking the death of Harvey Dent proved my point in film. I wish it had come out earlier, so I could use it as a source ^_^

6. Anime/Manga: I experienced my first anime in The Last Unicorn and some Nic show as a child. Hubby, friends, and I have been to numerous anime cons. Scary, but cool ^_~ Some of our favorites include Trigun, Helsing, Death Note, Moon Phase, Trinity Blood, and so on. This love also includes a collection of scantily clad anime figures ^___^

7. Horror/Slashers: Slasher films preform a specific function in society, and they have yet to fail. To me, they are absolutely hilarious! I can't explain my love of horror films. Part of me enjoys the adrenaline of being scared, and part of me loves to laugh through them.

8. Harley Quinn: She makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. I have about three figures of her and another one on order for the Arkham Asylum collection!!

9. Zombies: Do I really need to explain this one? ^______^ (Survival of the Dead is sitting in my mailbox from Netflicks and Resident Evil: Aftershock 3D is coming out on September 10th!!)

10. Piercing and Tattoos: I have six piercings -- both lobes, helix, industrial, and nasal. I've thought about getting more, but my helix has been a pain for the last 4+ years I've had it. Also, my industrial has some hypertrophic scaring that won't go away :( I have 3 tattoos. I'm getting my 3rd coloured in on September 11th. I have one more tattoo to get. It's a tattoo I had drawn/designed from a commission. Hubby likes ravens and I like wolves. I had a tribal wolf and raven tattoo drawn up as a special thing to get done. I have weird issues with tattooing some person's name on my body, but this could be considered the same :P I would like to get a half sleeve of Delirium from Sandman comics on my left arm. I think it would be awesome to get Gambit on my forearm. I also want a pin up zombie/a pin up with a sugar skull. But, really, I might not get anymore after the tribal.

• Project-Look Good Naked
  
• Saving My Life
• Nuggets of Truth
• Ginger is Losing It
• . . . Like a fat kid loves cake
• Screaming Fat Girl
  
• Muffin Fixation
• Not fat, Just curvy
• My wicked, wicked ways
• Kendra Through the Looking Glass
  

I couldn't be happier for the weekend to arrive. It might be the change in my workout, but I am totally exhausted. I'm sitting her practically holding my eyes open. I hate to do it, but I'm tempted to put Juneau up, take a bath w/ book, and take an afternoon-long nap.

Over the last two days, two of my bras broke -- yes, once a day. I'm not sure what happened. They both felt nice and sturdy, but . . . Last night when I leaned forward to grab something, the under wire just snapped! Now all I'm left with is a nice slut-red one! I like it, but it doesn't really work with everything. I'm trying to convince my hubby that we need to drive down to Denver tomorrow and get two more. At this point, he doesn't seem too keen on the idea. But I will not give up!

*blink* I think I need to wander off to my bed. I hate leaving Juneau in the crate so long. I'm tempted to trust her out by herself. If I stay out here, she won't have an issue. She might get upset if I go into the bedroom w/o her. Honestly, I don't want anymore dog-cat drama. *grumble* I am convinced that Dizzy doesn't have the sense God gave a rock!

Oh, on a side note, I did 10 straight min. on the elliptical this morning! I was even trying to work at a higher pace then normal. Yay me!!

One of the cycling shops is hiring. They are asking people to bring their resumes in person. I've been in the bathroom trying to figure out my make up. I want it to be appropriate, but not completely boring. Usually, I like to wearing crazy colours and whatnot. That will not work. We ran by Wal*Mart to pick up some light pinkish lipstick, gloss, and blush. The stuff I have is a little too much. I probably could have just gone with gloss, but . . . *shrug*

Anyways, one look is kind of like a played down peach. It has some light pink on the lid (really muted), coral on the outer half, a taupe colour in the crease, and a darker brown for the outer-v. I also added brown gel liner and mascara for a little definition. The other look has a lighter colour on the lid (kind of like a colour that would be used as a brow highlight), a taupe in the crease, and a darker colour in the outer-v. It also has brown gel-liner and a little mascara. Oh yeah, both eyes have a little wing on the end and brown shadow swept under the eyes.

On my lips, I used a light pink/light nude and LIGHT pink blush. Both of those are awesome, and I'm planning on using those. However, I'm torn about the eyes! I would do an awesome purple/blue, but I have a feeling that it wouldn't go over the best. Anyways, any suggestions are appreciated!!

My other issue deals with my chest tattoo. The only really nice shirts I have are lower neckline. I'm worried about the tattoo hindering my chances at a job. But I tell myself, if I am meant to have this job, it won't matter if they see the tattoo.

LoL, I'm not even sure if I will get the job. I'm just turning in a resume. But I don't want to hurt my chances. With the hours, the job might be a pain, but it shouldn't be open much later than 6pm. That would work well with hubby's hours. Either way, please keep me in prayer. God is in control, and I want to have the job that is best for me. If it isn't this one, let me know.

Hubby is going to the doctor tomorrow. He has had some serious numbness on the outer left side of his left hand. It doesn't appear to be attached to anything -- meaning, it is not extending up his arm. It stops shortly after his palm/upper wrist. This has been going on for some time. He has been in and out of the doctor and taking anti-inflammatory medicine in case it is some swelling further up. It hasn't made too much of a difference. The doctor is afraid that it could be MS. Hubby might be headed to an MRI. We've been praying against MS, but we would like to know what is going on. Please keep this is your prayers and thoughts.

**hugs**

The healthy stuffed peppers are in the oven. They should be done in 45-50min. While filling them, I sampled some of the stuffings, yummy! Nom nom nom ^____^ I cannot wait for dinner!! Since the innards tasted lovely, they will definitely be added to the success menu!

Tomorrow or Friday, hubby is making his homemade spaghetti sauce. I don't know the caloric intake, but he makes it from scratch. Okay, well, he uses some no-salt added tomato sauce, so it shouldn't be too high. Does anyone have any low-calorie garlic bread recipes? Spaghetti isn't complete without the garlic bread and salad.

I am totally being spoiled this week with some awesome recipes!! Yay!!!

On Monday, I made this yummy casserole. It honestly made me thing of homemade rice-a-roni dish. When we were sitting down to eat it, hubby mentioned that it would be a good filling for stuffed peppers. Now I have two recipes!!

Wow! Some of the exercises were easier today, but a lot of them got harder. Some of the stability ball stretches were a lot harder this time. I'm not sure why. But, hey, I got it done!

While on the treadmill at the end, I was just losing steam . . . Fast! I was concentrating on finish my fast walk @ 10min, but it was getting harder and harder. During the last few minutes, Lady Gaga Bad Romance came up on my iPod. Whatever people say about her, those songs are high energy. It gave me the last umf to finish.

When I was done, I shimmied into my swimsuit. Being hot and sweaty made the quite a feat! Since I was still over heated, I jumped into the pool. It was nice. I walked around a little bit and started the lazy river. But, being who I am, I was getting self-conscience just being there. It felt as though the lifeguard was watching me the whole time, but, really, I was the only one in the pool, so . . . He was sitting right by the lazy river. I got so uncomfortable that I stopped. Arg! I'm so annoyed at myself. After that, I made my way to the whirlpool! Ahhhhhh . . . that was lovely! The water was the perfect temperature. Sadly, when I got out, I felt more wasted than I usually do. However, it was a nice end to my workout!

I will probably be bad again for lunch. I didn't get my ass together and go shopping earlier in the week; we have no food for lunch. However, I do have stuffed peppers planned for dinner! Yum!

Ug, I need to take a shower, but my energy has disappeared :(

Pilates was a little slower this morning. Luckily Juneau was more interested in staying outside. It was nice not to fight her off the mat, out of my face, etc. while concentrating on my movements/video. Unfortunately, I didn't take her out for her walk. Doing pilates in the morning moved the walk to the afternoon. Well, I laid down for an hour nap at 2pm and woke up at 4!

We finally went by the Zumba class this evening. I was afraid that I would too behind. But, not to be mean, a lot of the people were at a low-level, so I wouldn't feel uncomfortable. Watching them go through the dances were also encouraging. They kept plugging along and enjoyed every minute of it! We haven't decided if we are going to start going every week. Since hubby is already in ballet, it might be too much of a commitment for him. We'll see.

My swimsuit is agitating in the washing machine. I accidentally let it sit out for awhile, and my stupid cat (yes, one . . . and I know who it is -- shes doesn't have the sense God gave a rock!) decided to use it as her own persona litter box!! The damn thing reeked of musty cat pee!!! Arg! I put it into a hot water washing cycle. I'm considering putting it through another cycle, but I don't want to stay up so late . . .

Tomorrow will be a full week working at the rec center!! Yay!! I'm going to work on all the exercises the PT showed me. I'm pumped! And, since the tattoo has been healing for 3 weeks, I can SOAK in the whirlpool!! I'm usually pretty hot after the hard workout, so I might cool down in the lazy river before hitting the whirlpool. The lazy river has a kind of current that you can walk against.

On a more nerdy note, the rest of the Dark Ivory series came in the mail today! Of course, I sat down a finished the series before much of anything. HeeHee, I am such a nerd. Comics/graphic novels = <3

The zombie has returned again.

Working with the personal trainer was a lot better than I thought. Doing something completely different always makes me anxious. But, since this process about changing myself, the new me can handle anything ^_~ Roar!

The personal trainer wanted me to focus in aerobics, which I figured. We walked around the track several times keeping our pace up. My muscle didn't want to wake up. My calf muscles were really cramping and painful. I'm not sure why. I usually do a hard intensity on the treadmill *shrug* Anyways, he showed me a lot of stretches and workouts on the stability ball. I forgot that it was low intensity, but it really worked my muscles! After that, we worked on the weights. He wants me working with lower weights and higher reps. It was awesome to get back on the machines! It has been awhile! We ended the session by walking on the treadmill. It really didn't challenge me, because I do inclines and stuff on my own. But it was still pretty cool.

He even suffers from sports-induced asthma. He confirmed my believe: asthma will get better the with more exercise and strengthening the lungs. He has almost fully recovered from his asthma. Unless he is really, really pushing himself, he doesn't need his rescue inhaler. But, interestingly enough, while I've been out of breath, I haven't felt the need to use my inhaler. Yay!

My moment of humility: When we were working on the bar pull-down, I totally fell backwards over the seat! *^_^*

Working out this way will definitely show progress! I was kind of annoyed that he believed healthy and in shape meant being skinny. It's not true, but I figured he was think that.

Juneau wants to play, but I am too tired . . . But its a hurt-so-good! I wish I brought my swimming suit! The whirlpool would be so nice! Sadly, our hot tub is not heated. All I would have to do is throw Juneau out and soak . . . . Ahhhhh

I have my appointment set up with the personal trainer. It is set for 10:30 tomorrow morning. He is a nice guy. I see him every morning I go in. This is an awesome opportunity, but I'm feeling really nervous and self-conscience. When I think about it, I'm not sure. Something about it means that I have to come clean and accept the fact that this is where I am. From a previous post, I said that I never feel fat. It takes seeing myself in the mirror or something else before I feel that way. I already own the truth. I know that I need to be healthy, but . . . I don't know. Keep me in your thoughts, guys! Thanks ^_~

We took Juneau to the park this afternoon. It was a big dog thing down there. We got her chipped. I was afraid it would hurt her, but she was only focused on the food they had. After wards, we got her a cup full of dog ice cream. Man, she really inhaled it! We met another husky owner. She was 2 years-old and as small as Juneau. It was weird. But her colouring was awesome! Juneau has been really good about being around other huskies, but she freaked out with this little girl. Hubby and I think the run-in with the Malamute really set her back on how she interacts with other dogs. She was doing really, really well, but . . . Arg!

Journey group was tonight. Nate brought some elk for kabobs (I don't like wild meat, so . . . Hubby loved it). They made these amazing potatoes on the grill! They were cut fry-style and marinated in olive oil a lots of herbs. Yummy! Due to my wild meat issues, I had to grab dinner on the way home. I'm definitely cracking down on myself tomorrow. I need to start making better decisions on the weekends!

*sigh* I need to head to the store tomorrow for the week. I have a tentative idea of what we're eating, and we don't need to pick up too much. Hubby is making his homemade spaghetti this week. I don't know calorie intake, but it is all from scratch. Nom nom nom!!

Well, I'm being lazy and watching the first disc of Sons of Anarchy.

Bad weekend . . . What can I say?

It was my hubby's company picnic this afternoon. And, I admit it, I munched on the cookies we brought *sheepish grin* One of them was a brownie turned into a cookie! How could you resist that?! Serious yumminess! Nom nom nom!! Tomorrow our Bible study group meets, and that's not gonna be a good eating day. Meh, I'm kind of going with the flow. I really need to crack down on myself on Monday and try to maintain through the next weekend. The 11th is gonna be a bad weekend again, but I still need to try to keep up the momentum.

We had to leave the picnic earl because of Juneau. When we arrived, there were three girl dogs (2 puppies) and they all played. I was sad that Juneau wasn't off-leash, but we didn't want to risk it with traffic and such. Plus, huskies off-leash isn't the smartest idea :P Anyways, they were having tons of fun, running, bounding, playing, etc. Near the food-time, another co-worker brought his Malamute. Supposedly she is bad will all female dogs. She seemed to basically ignore the other dogs. When she came to see Juneau, her posture was aggressive and it scared her! After that, the Malamute ended up attacking the mini Schnauzer. Her owner was able to stop her, but still!! I tried to keep her away from Juneau, but it didn't work. She kept stalking her in a very aggressive way. Poor Juneau hid under the picnic tables she was so terrified. after eating, we left early. That was not a good environment for Juneau. When my hubby told another co-worker why we were leaving, she said that she felt the Malamute was bullying the other dogs.

Either way, when we got home, we all crashed for a nap. She rested most of the way home, and then was more than willing to crash in her crate for a few hours. Before the Malamute came, the picnic was really good.

Tomorrow the town is doing something called The Dog Days of Summer at a local park. We're gonna get Juneau chipped. They are doing it at a low rate through the animal shelter. She should have lots of fun there. This weekend has been a big one for her. But it has been good to get out!

Classes start on Monday. Needless to say, the town is getting busy again. This is move-in weekend, so all the incoming students are moving into the dorms. Earlier I though I might miss all the excitement of going to the first class sessions, navigating the UW bookstore, getting a breve at the cafe, etc. But the more I think about it, I'm actually kind of relieved. I mean classes would give me something to do with my day, but I don't have to focus on all the reading, writing, assignments, deadlines, and so on. And it doesn't feel weird either. Hmm . . . The Professional Student doesn't find it weird to be out of classes.

Even though things are starting to "normalize," I really miss this town in the summer. It has less traffic, everything is more relaxed, no LONG lines anywhere. Pretty much, it is almost like a paradise! *shrug* Things will start to slow down as the semester drags on.

Sad realization: If classes are starting on Monday, summer is done T_T It took until nearly the end of June is finally have a spring. The weather here was horrible and snowy here during our normal spring!! This, of course, means that it took until July-ish to finally have summer. I'm not ready for fall or winter!!! Being lazy watching Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog, I noticed that the air coming in through the window smelled remarkably like fall!!!! *cry*

*yawn* It's nearly 1:30 am here. I should get off the internet and get some sleep. Off to curl up in bed with my oh-so-happy book under my skull sheets and duvet. Ahhh, the simple things in life ^_~

My guilt complex is really trying to get the better of me. Maybe Prozac is helping take off the edge of guilt and anxiety. I really don't want to have that feeling in my head. It is quieter than is used to be. Without counseling and medication, I would be so overrun with guilt and anxiety that I would cease functioning. I'm sitting here drinking my Wild Cherry Pepsi and not fully caring.

This week hasn't not been the best as far as food is concerned. Ask my Peps; gyoza at the sushi place; Taco Bell burritos; ice cream; and ice cold, bottled Coke.

While I was doing my reading this afternoon, and this passage really stuck out to me:

Everyone I've known who lost or maintained weight for the long term as done it on their one. Not with Zone Delivery, not with Pilates -- at least not completely. The long-term weight-loss winner generally makes her own pupu platter of what works. It's usually some cardio plus some stretch and a hike once a week, along with alow-carb diet and daily a treat. Or else it's dance aerobics twice a week and yoga twice a week and a walk with the kids plus a vegetarian diet and a lot of Popsicles. Whatever it is, it's about assessing all the information and making a plan that works for you. -A Fat Girl's Guide to Life

This really spoke to me. I'm not sure why, but I feel as though I'm at least on the right path. While watching my hubby eat sushi, I started thinking about what I accomplished vs. where I've stumbled:

• I've been eating healthier than before
• I've been working at maintaining it for three weeks and have been fairly successful
• For the past 3 weeks, I have kept up with my daily exercise and enjoying my lazy weekends
• I've been at the gym steadily for about 1.5 weeks
• Accomplished 5 continuous minutes on the elliptical machine
• Learned that a weekly menu is better than willy-nilly
• Thinking about why I snack and assessing whether I am hungry or not.
• Finding out that I really CAN do it!

Here is a quote to think about while at the gym:

Overweight people not only have more fast than the slender, they ofter have comparatively more muscle. When you gain weight because of overeating, you put three-quarters of that weight as fat but one quarter of that weight is muscle. Fat people are so cowed into self-loathing that they don't realize the potential they carry. If they choose to exercise their submerged muscle on a regular basis, they'll be able to beat the sprat out of ant thin ones that call them pigs. -Woman: An Intimate Geography

When I was little, my mother started reading me The Chronicles of Narnia every night before bed. We never made it through the whole series -- I think because our house burned. I have reread the first two books in the series, but haven't read any of there others. The one thing that really stayed in my memory was the story of Eustace in Voyage of the Dawn Treader. Flipping through my Bible study book, I noticed that she mentions Eustace and his circumstances. It all came back to the fore front of my mind, and it got me really thinking and analyzing things.

Eustace is the cousin of the original children in Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. When we first meet Eustace, many people do not like his attitude. He ends up wandering away and finding a dragon and his gold. Through different circumstances, he ends up becoming the dragon. It changes how he sees the world and helps him gain friends. However, one night Aslan comes to see him. The Lion shows him a bubbling body of water. Eustace hurries to climb into the water. Aslan stops him and says he needs to remove his clothes first. After three times of pulling the scales from his body, Eustace always finds himself a scaled dragon once again. Aslan must remove the scales. The process of removing his clothing was deeply, deeply painful for Eustace to endure. Once he was done, however, Aslan puts him into the spring. He eventually stays as a boy and gets healed.

This story really got me thinking. What is my dragon skin? What am I hiding behind? I try to pull off my scales and follow God, but they continue to come back. Acceptance, diets, weight loss, beauty, etc. are all a form of the dragon scales. God needs to rip away all of these lies I believe. Eustace became used to his circumstances; however, he was so much more than that. At some level, he did learn things as a dragon, but that was not who he was. I think that I have my dragon-periods in which I learn, but then it becomes easier to hide behind it. People didn't like me before, so it is easy for me to be the "fat girl." God wants to take that away from me.

Geneen Roth says it more eloquently than I could:

Diets are based on the unspoken fear that you are a madwoman, a food terrorist, a lunatic. Eventually you will destroy all that you love and so you need to be stopped. The promise of a diet is not only that you will have a different body; it is that in having a different body, you will have a different life. If you hate yourself enough, you will love yourself. It you torture yourself enough, you will become a peaceful, relaxed human being . . . We treat our bodies as if they are the enemy and the only acceptable outcome is annihilation . . . We continue to believe that with a little more self-disgust, we'll prevail. -- Women, Food and God

I try and I try to pull all these self imposed/cultural imposed things about myself. Change is needed, but I cannot do it myself. As Roth says, I only end up doing the negative in order to make a positive. Well, it works in math, doesn't it? Unfortunately, two wrongs will not make a right. I end up abusing myself, chastising myself, hurting myself, denying love given to me because these scales won't come off. No matter how many times I pull them off my body, I find that they are still there. It takes God to pull the actual skin away to show me something new and beautiful. Only after that can I be healed.

But what would it take for me to be able to look at my body and know it's no perfect but love it anyway? What would it required for me to start with my feet and say: I love my feet because they help me to stand, my ten toes give me balance, without them I'd have to sit or crawl. And I can buy really cool shoes to wear on them. I love my legs because they make me feel strong, they support the weight of my body, and, even more, they take me places. I can walk, I can run, I can go wherever I want to go because I have two legs. I love my abdomen because even though it's softer than I want on the outside, inside it is life giving. Beneath that fleshy exterior I can give life to another human being, something that only women can do. I love my breasts because though they are smaller than I would like them to be they are mine. And they are part of what makes me feminine. I love my neck because it turns my head. I couldn't see everything I want to see without a neck. I couldn't look up and see a full, white moon or a zillion stars. With my mouth, I can speak, I can eat, I can smile, and I can kiss. My ears hear music and eaves crashing, and the voice of those I love telling me the love me too. My nose can smell homemade spaghetti cooking, brownies fresh from the oven, springtime air, and when the snow is on the way. My eyes can see the beauty of the world around me. They see they ugliness too, but that is what gives me perspective and makes me appreciate the beauty. That is me. That is my physical body fill with imperfections, but still enables my fullness of life.
-Transparent edited by Sarah Zacharias Davis

I keeping coming back to the same thing: If I cannot find myself beautiful or appreciate myself NOW, then changing my diet and exercising are pointless. Yes, I need to be healthy, but if I spend my time hating myself, is there really a point of all of this? I pray that we can see ourselves the way God sees us. He does not make ugly. In some ways, hating ourselves is telling God He messed up. That doesn't seem like a good idea. See how far it got Adam and Eve!

If weight were really just the math problem most experts would have you believe, then we would be able to make a nice little formula for ourselves based on calories (caloric intake minus caloric output equals weight loss). However, just about anyone has ever dieted or worked out has discovered that the formula isn't quite so clean-cut.
-The Fat Girl's Guide to Life by Wendy Shanker

Hmmm . . . If it is not simply the math formula, what is going on? I think all of the health experts are missing something. Obesity is not purely based on inactivity and overeating. it is true that those reasons can contribute to the problem, but what is the root of the issue?

My mom has always told me that I have the coveted hour-glass figure. She even tells me that one of her uncles used to call me his little Marilyn Monroe. I had platinum blond hair, blue eyes, you name it. This was, of course, when I was still little. Before my beautiful blond hair changed to an ugly muddy or ashy brown. Ick! My eyes have even started to turn towards gray. I always had problems finding clothes to fit. I am 5'3". I'm considered petite, but my bust and hip size determines the clothes I wear. It is hard to find short pants in the size my hips dictate. Buying a bra is costly! Granted, my rack looks AMAZING in a bra that fits right, but it is still needlessly expensive. It has been hard for me to see these things as a blessing.

Why am I telling you this? I was in the gym today working on the elliptical machine. It faces windows that overlook the lane-pool. There is a little bit of a reflective surface on the glass. It doesn't show enough to pick out detail. But it showed enough. I finally saw my figure without seeing the fat (thanks to the not-entirely-reflective glass). And, you know what, it is (excuse "french") fucking HOT! Watching myself, I was finally able to see what my mom goes on and on about. For once, I don't hate my big hips or larger bust. When I was in pretty good shape, I nearly had a 15" waist. Even though I don't still have that, my figure is still rocking! Yes, sexy curves are ahead ^____^

I got out of bed and went over to the rec center. It was a pretty hardcore work out. I managed to stay on the elliptical machine for 5 minutes without stopping! Haha, I told you, elliptical machine, I will conquer you! **shakes fist** I used to love the rowing machine, so I hopped on that with high expectations. LoL, yeah . . . . The way the machine is positioned -- and my cute gym shoes -- it pulls my shoe off! Not very good for a workout. However, I still did well with everything else. Man, I sparkled after I got off of the treadmill -- before heading home. Is that how Stephanie Meyer's vampires sparkle in the day light? Sheeesh, I wish I had that workout stamina, LoL ^_~

Yesterday for dinner, I ate Taco Bell. I was craving it for lunch, but finished off our healthy leftovers. I was still craving it, so we got dinner over there and a movie to watching tonight at Hastings. Yeah, it wasn't the best choice. But, hey, Geneen Roth says to allow yourself to eat what you crave. I didn't overeat, just happily munched ^____^ We're heading out to a local place today. We both forgot to pick up meat for dinner/lunch, so we're going out. Unfortunately, I wouldn't have time to make lunch even if we went to pick up the meat now. It would cut into my hubby's lunch time too much for him to eat. Oh well, better planning next time.

All in all, even though I have slipped a few times, I feel good! I feel awake, empowered, and GOOD!

This is a little TMI, so be warned:
On my mother's side of the family, we have always had really tricky bowels. I can go for weeks without a bowel movement Taking the fiber pills, increasing my fiber intake, drinking prune juice, etc. has never worked. Everything is in working order, the bowels don't want to move. Usually, I have to end up taking a laxative to finally get things out of my system. My mom has struggled with this for a long time, her grandmother did, her aunts, etc., so it is nothing new. Anyways, after starting this adventure, I have not had a issue with my bowels! Yay!! I'm not sure what is doing it. My mom exercises everyday, takes fiber pills, prune juice, etc. (and she is SKINNY), but it never seems to help her stay regular. I wonder why I am starting to. Either way, YAY!!!

On an ending note, here is the playlist I listen to at the rec center. Some of the songs couldn't be found and some of them are only partial. The last version of "I Hate Myself for Loving You" ended up there as a mistake. I'm not sure how to delete things, so . . .

Tomorrow is going to be a pilates day. I need a break from the gym. It has given me tons of exercise and awesome cardio, I just think my body needs a break. After my session today, my legs felt like lifting weights walking through water. My mom wonders if I ate enough calories today. It would explain my after-gym snack. When I got home, my body as telling me to eat, but I wasn't hungry. I ate some cheese. A little while later, my body did the same thing. I ate more cheese. About an hour later, when I went to pick my hubby up for lunch, I felt as though I hadn't eaten in days.

Needless to say, I spent the whole day being lazy. It was really good, though. I got out my pencil, eraser, and sketch pad. I haven't drawn anything in a couple of years. It used to be a passion, but other things got in the way. I also got discouraged when things were going well. HeeHee, I spend all afternoon working on a sketch. It rocks!

This tribal style elf was the last really big thing I put to paper. Haha, that was close to 5 years ago! Painful! I know this picture scanned very, very light, but this is a sketch I did of my hubby's RPG character, Sabru. (Just click on the picture, and it will show a larger, better copy)

I didn't eat my full 1500 calories today, so I'm treating myself with ice cream. Hey, I can justify it: Heating ice cream to body temperature uses calories. Therefore, eating ice cream can burn calories. LoL Either way, I don't have to justify it. Just being a dork ^_~

Yesterday was a graphic novel/comic book acquiring day. After getting the first volume of Hack/Slash and the first Dark Ivory comic earlier in the week, I couldn't wait to get the next copies! Our local Hastings carries serial comics now, so I got the first 3 copies of the new Birds of Prey. I ended up with the second volume of Hack/Slash, 2-3 of Dark Ivory (finishing the series), and Birds of Prey (the original series) volume 1!! *squeal*

Today I had to force myself out of bed. I didn't have any motivation to go to the gym Since I couldn't fine my iPod this morning, I said if it wasn't in the car, I wouldn't go. God has other plans. It was waiting for me in the car. Even though I didn't want to go, I think this was the best workout since I started. It feels as though I pushed myself more. Haha, I even feel MORE tired that I usually do! I really, really wish my tattoo was healed, so I could sit in the whirl pool. It is open, and it is calling me!

I've already started week 3. This week I am going to concentrate on making better choices. If I'm hungry and craving something, I can have it in moderation. If I give my body what it wants, I won't be craving in when I'm not hungry. Less chance of slippage/overeating.

I need to spend today getting laundry done. I would rather take a nap. With no job, I guess I have the afternoon open.

Weigh-in today. I didn't lose any weight, but I didn't gain any either. I just maintained. I was hoping to see some pounds fall away, but, really, this isn't bad. I need to keep reminding myself that this is not about weight loss. Anything I lose is an added bonus, but it's not the focus.

This weekend was not the greatest as far as food goes. Following the direction of Geneen Roth, I had pizza for dinner on Friday. I have been CRAVING it since this thing started. I didn't over eat. We also got Cinnistix, and I LOVE those things. Keeping that in mind, I ate less pizza so I could focus on the sugar. Small victories? I don't know. Anyways, I made a really good lunch yesterday. It was low calorie, and freakin' YUMMY. Nom nom nom! But we went to a movie in the afternoon, and I indulged in dippin' dots and Coke. We hardly ever go to the movie, so I kind of justified it *sheepish grin* And this afternoon we're going out to lunch with Ninja and his sister. The restaurant has my favorite white pizza . . . It has veggies on it!! Haha, I didn't even mention our Sunday tradition -- if we end up going to church. Bagels and coffee!! Arg!

One way or another, I'll survive the rest of the weekend, and make sure to crack down tomorrow. I already have the menu planned, and the food bought. We did find a few little treasures at the store: More ALMONDS! Okay, to be specific, we found different almond flavors. We like the Blue Diamond almonds because of the neat flavors. Hey, I have to eat 28+ almonds to get to 170 calories. That's a LOT of almonds!

Tomorrow I head back to the rec center. I've been dropping the pilates and yoga for the rec center. I need to find a way to work it back in, but I am just so wasted after plugging away for an for an hour.

*sigh* I hear Vash hissing at Juneau. Meaning, she is disturbing them while they are eating (behind a locked door), and Vash is pissed. I better go take care of it and jump into the shower. I'm trying to not think of this weekend as failure, just a learning experience.

Confession: I am a bibliophile.

Now for a picture show!! Since I talk about them (mostly her) all the time, here are pictures of my four children!

This little excited electron is Juneau! She is about 4-5mo old.

These three trouble-makers are our three kitties. The one in the back is Vash the Stampede, the one in front is Discord (aka Dizzy), and the one on the arm is Goblin.




This little lumpy cat is Vash the Stampede. This is a better picture.

I got a late start this morning. After getting to bed late, 6:30 was just too early. Luckily, I got to the gym by 8:45ish. I worked on the stationary bike, the elliptical, and the treadmill again today. The elliptical still enjoys being the bane of my existence! **shakes fist** I did the cardio setting on the treadmill and speed 2 (30min mile, I think . . . not really fast :P), and it kicked my ass. By the time I was done, you could have wrung me out like a soaked washcloth. It felt awesome! I'm really starting to enjoy my time there. Plus, coming up with playlists is fun! I wish working at the student radio station and playing heavy metal 2x/wk. It is so much fun playing around with iTunes and such ^_^

We went in to see our psych nurse this afternoon. She told me that I looked as though I had lost a lot of weight *squeal* She (and our marriage counselor) also commented on how happy I looked. I mentioned this to my husband and wondered whether the move from Depo the the Nuva Ring might be the cause. Depo shot my hormones out of order (not to mention 100+lbs gained!). He said that cooking/eating at home almost every meal and starting to exercise 5 days/wk really has lifted my spirits! Yay!! I feel so encouraged! *^_^*

I know I won't see a ton of changes all at once, but I keep getting my hopes up :P Crazy me!

In other news, I really, really want to be able to fit in these clothes!! That would be effing awesome! On a strange question, does it make a difference wearing high heels when you're bigger vs. when you're smaller? I've always been better in chunkier heels. As part of this process, I want to train myself to be able to wear high heels for extended time. These little beauties are my favorite!

Friday Challenge: Go to YouTube and turn on Dancing With Myself (the Billy Idol original or the cover by The Donnas -- my fav) and dance around the house! Fun!

The last few weeks have shown me that I am a snackaholic. For whatever reason, I just snack and snack and snack. My favorite item of choice: Just about anything with grease (yummy!). I've been having a great deal of issues because I just want to snack. Right now for instance, I want to go pop of healthy popcorn, but I'm really not hungry. Hmm . . .

Sitting here watching the remake of Friday the 13th and trying to figure out this revelation. In Women, Food and God, Roth talks about "us" being obsessed with food. She states that, deep down, we eat for some deeper meaning in an attempt to not deal with it. At some level, I agree. In my case, I realized I was bored. Yeah, I enjoy the crap I'm watching, but I just eat. Digging into this, I think it started out as boredom, watching movies at the theater, and eating meals while in front of the TV. For me I think it has become a force of habit. At the moment, my brain (?)/ingrained habits are telling me that I need to snack. RIGHT NOW!!! But when I stop and listen to my body, I'm not hungry. Eating the same amount as dinner last night, I felt stuffed! It was only one patty of the meatloaf rounds, but it felt as though I ate a freaking feast! I even decided to try Pepsi Max, but it took forever to drink it due to my fullness level.

I found drink water, but I'm too full to even do that! This is insane!

Do any of your guys have this problem? How do you deal with it?

I was just messing around on the 'net reading *BitchCakes*, and decided to take a look at Zumba on YouTube. It looks awesome! I thought about buying one of the DVDs when I bought the DVD to Punk Rope, but THEY HAVE A CLASS HERE!! Even though this is a university town, we're still pretty backwater on a lot of things. However, they have ZUMBA classes every Tuesday evening from 5:30 - 6:30. Since I don't like trying things new by myself, I talked my husband into going with me. He is taking ballet classes from the local dance center, so I thought he might be willing to try. If not, I might be able to convince Ninja to come . . . . If he has not dance classes on Tuesday. (That boy dances like a MADMAN!) I is so pumped ^______^

In other news, I ended up eating Toxic Smell for lunch (and drinking wild cherry Pepsi as I type). After coming home from the gym, I crashed on the couch and slept for nearly 3 hours!!! Is that normal? (side note, I didn't get to sleep until after midnight) By the time I had to pick hubby up, there was no time to make the patties and cook them for 20min. He had to get back to work. I'm going to make them for dinner tonight. We were planning on grabbing something for lunch tomorrow because of our psych appointment, but I am cracking down and making myself eat the leftovers of the patties. On Friday, he desperately wants to go to lunch at the local vegetarian place. I'm not sure what they are like as far as calorie intake, but everything is freshly made. That's gotta be better than your typical restaurant.

I keep freaking out and feeling guilty, but I keep reminding myself that this isn't a diet. It is about finding balance in the way I eat. If we eat out occasionally and I limit my soda intake to those times, I'm still eating well. Plus, continuing the exercise will only help.

Haha, I definitely need to get in shape! The elliptical machine proved that this morning. After battling with the programs on it for while, I decided that I would warm up on the stationary bike. In that way, my legs are powerful, so I usually avoid it for other leg exercises. Anyways, in about 15min I went 7mi on the bike. Sadly, I had to take several breaks because my foot was trying to cramp or something in the middle. I needed to stop many times to stretch it out. I tried different leg pressure, foot placement on the peddle, etc. *shrug* It sucked, but pumping out 7mi in 15min ROCKS!! After that, I tried the elliptical machine again . . . You had to start using the machine before the program/controls would turn on. Trying to move the "peddles" and focus on the controls make is very hard NOT to throw yourself off! It was a struggle trying to get it to work. After that, maybe 5min!!!! Only 5min!! Epic fail :( I finished my hour on the treadmill doing the cardio program.

All in all, it was all good. I'm definitely going back tomorrow. I forgot to ask about the personal trainer, so I'll get that done when I head back in. I'm excited, but kind of nervous about it! I'm very out of shape and I have sports induced asthma (it is not limited to sports), and that makes everything worse. The personal trainer should know how to work around those two things.

Once my ink heals and the whirl pool is open, my gym visits will end there . . . Awwwww . . . So far, even though I was kind of anxious about going by myself, everything turned out pretty well! Me excited about the gym!

Braiiiiiins . . . Wait, I'm too damn wasted to go after brains. What kind of zombified woman am I?

Elliptical machine, you are the bane of my existence! I shall conquer you!!

First day at gym =! energy
First say at gym == zombification

Now . . . naaaaaap . . . .


** =! means, "does not equal to" in programing lingo. == means, "equal to" in programing lingo**

• Run to the Hills - Iron Maiden
• Dr Feelgood - Motely Crue
• Breaking the Law - Judas Priest
• Highway to Hell - Marilyn Mason (Yes, it is a cover of AC/DC, but it's good)
• Iron Man - Ozzy Osbourne
• Ace of Spades - Motorhead
• Welcome to the Jungle - Guns 'n Roses
• Blackout - Scorpions
• Rainbow in the Dark - Dio
• Live Wire - Motley Crue
• Crazy Train - Ozzy Osbourne
• Stone Cold Crazy - Metallica (yes, another cover)
• Bodies - Drowning Pool
• The Beautiful People - Marilyn Manson
• Hero - Skillet
• Hit the Floor - Bullet for My Valentine
• Expendable Youth - Slayer

That's about an hour of music. I'm hoping to make cardio last that long. Since it has been awhile, I know that I will need to go at a slower pace -- at first. Man, I have never been so excited to go to the gym!! w00t!

I just read Kendra's post, and it made be start to lament the process of eventual weight loss (remember, I'm not trying to have a goal of overall weight loss). I don't want to miss my boobs! They are my one vanity -- aside from my kickin' calves!! Even though shopping for bras is an issue and I end up spending a lot, I still love them! Damn, I fill out a shirt well! Before way too much weight found itself on my body, I had to wear a size 22 just because of my babies :P

Yes, I am loath to admit, they are rather saggy-ish. But I figure that is due to their size. *shrug* I don't want them to end up looking deflated and saggy! *cry* I'm hoping I'm still young enough that the elasticity of my skin has not gone. Please, God, let me keep my rack intact!

Moment of Truth: I had Little Caesar's for dinner and a nice tall glass of wild cherry Pepsi. After yoga, I finished some leftovers from last night's dinner (I still have another 4 to fry up for lunch tomorrow). In addition, I also worked doing cleaning at my parents' house. It was a slip, but it's not happening all the time.

In Women, Food and God, Roth talks about eating what you want. But where is the balance? What if I am always craving Twix or Reese's Cups? It is not good to eat due to boredom, when you're not hungry, etc., but where is the line? *shrug* I'm still trying to figure this thing out . . .

Due to wake-up set backs, I didn't get out to the rec center this morning. I'm planning on pumping a kick-ass playlists tonight in anticipation of going tomorrow morning! I'll double check about the personal trainer. So pumped!!

Plan: Get up early enough to get the cats fed, take my hubby to work, and hit the rec center! Cardio room, here I come! LMAO, I should make sure to turn on out hot tub tonight with plans to soak away my stiffness. Ahhhhh, hooooot tuuuuub. Kind of like zombies and braiiiiiiiiins ^_~

Even though Mythbusters has proven that the old adage is not possible, I feel as though I hit the ground running when I started this week. After the snackage fail that is known as yesterday, it was nice to hit such a high streak.

I hate gender generalizations. You know, all the women are this, all the men are this . . . I don't like them because I think they put people in a box, forcing them to fit into social confines, or statistics, or studies, rather than just who they are ¹

I think this is also true of stereotypes. They have become like a gilded cage. We are all trapped in this society construct of who we are, who we should be, what clothes we need to wear, etc. Here is my favorite, "You're fat so you must be unhealthy." What does being fat have to do with overall health? I'm fat. I accept that. I have a more sedentary lifestyle, which helps contribute to the problem. However, my blood chemistry is awesome. Perfect cholesterol, heart in the top 20 of heart health, blood pressure rockin', etc. To me, that does not sound unhealthy. Why is health not based on our spiritual well being, or emotional, or whatever?

My yoga DVD talks about breathing and filling "out the shape that you are." While I was driving today, I realized that I don't feel fat. But I constantly judge how people are going to respond to me. I felt as though I was being judged when hubby and I went to get a tour of the rec center. "Oh, she's fat." Part of me felt as though people were laughing and sneering at me for my physical state. Then I ask myself why do I care. Their opinion and view are theirs. I cannot change what the perceive, what they see. I can only change myself.

But, when I find myself feeling exceptionally sexy or powerful, I walk by a mirror and I'm undone. Do I really look that fat?! Is that really me. I don't feel that fat. My husband always tells me that I am beautiful, sexy, desirable, but I cannot hear it. I sabotage myself and cripple my small self esteem. Even after being married for 7 years, I have a hard time getting into some cute negligee. I imagine how I look it them and can see only fat: a sagging stomach, flappy arms, thunder thighs.

I tell them [conference attendees] that if compulsive eating is anything, it's a way we leave ourselves when life gets hard. When we don't want to notice what is going on. Compulsive eating is a way we distance ourselves from the way things are when they are not how we want them to be. I tell them that ending obsession with food is all about the capacity to stay in the present moment. To no leave themselves. I tell them that they don't have to make a choice between losing weight and doing this. Weight loss is the easy part; anytime you truly listen to your hunger and fullness, you lose weight. But I also tell them that compulsive eating is basically a refusal to be fully alive. No matter what we weigh, those of us who are compulsive eaters have anorexia of the soul. We refuse to take in what sustains us. We live lives of deprivation. And when we can't stand it any longer, we binge . . .Resigning yourself to the endless struggle with food so you never have to take the dive into the meaning of it all. Or discover who you are, what your relationships can be without the drama of food. ²

For the longest time, I didn't believe that this applies to me. Thinking about it now, if it didn't apply to me, why am I unable to "fill the shape that I am"? Since my main focus is on overall health, I need to address the real issue behind my obsession with food. I need to delve into my feeingls of inadequacy and lack of self worth. No matter what size I am, no matter what I eat, if I don't address these issues, I will continue to fail.

Even though weight loss would be nice, I need to remind myself that I am in this for health. I am tired of living in this place refusing to face my problems and demons.

As Angel always tells me, "Warning: Sexy curves ahead!"

In less of an introspective state of mind, we got a tour of the rec center. The facilities are 100% better than they were the last time I had a tour. They added more weight-machines and the cardio section is a lot bigger as well. They also have a hot tub. It would be awesome to workout, slip into my swim suit, and left the warmth of the water relax my muscles. Oh, they also gave me a free gift for getting a membership. I chose a meeting with a personal trainer to determine and exercise program that is centered on me and my needs. I'm excited!


¹ Transparency by Sarah Zacharias Davis
² Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth

Goals 8/1 - 8/7:

• Get my bike tires filled
  
• Start riding my bike again /get Juneau used to walking with a bike so she can join me later
  
• Walk Juneau down to the mail box everyday -- working on "heel"
• Walking with hubby and Juneau in the park Friday evening (I hope to make this more of a several-times-a-week occurrence)
  
• Try one of my other Pilates DVDs, and try the accelerated fat burning workout
  
• Find time for both yoga and DDR
  
• Figure out the rec center drama (I'm tempted just to get a membership and go by myself)
  
• Take some time for just me -- reading book, playing video games, etc

Last week went a lot better than I had anticipated. I had a few missteps, but it went really well. A lot of the outdoors goals went south. The weather here was pretty unpredictable. The other day quarter-sized hail was beating down. Needless to say, I didn't want to go outside! However, I did get Juneau walked one time ^_~ Aside from that, I followed my exercises very well. The sculpting pilates DVD kicked my ass. I was excited!

Goals 9/8 - 9/15:

• Get out and ride my bike
• Work with Juneau
• Getting a tour -- and hopefully and membership -- of the rec center
• Continue changing up the pilates DVDs
• Try to alternate yoga and DDR
• Choose better snack ideas/snack a little less
• If I get a membership at the rec center, start heading over there in the morning after dropping hubby off at work

Today I was a little bit better with food, but found myself snacking a lot. In all honesty, I'm not sure if I was hunger or it was out of habit. Some of it was due to hunger, but it wasn't the whole reason.

Success: My parents moved to Memphis, TN a few years back. They have been trying to sell their house since March. Their Realtor is cocky and arrogant. When people are brought to the house, he never makes sure to check his listing. Most of the lights have been burnt out because they have been left on, almost all the cabinets were open, etc. Anyways, my parents want me to stop by the house and make sure everything is fine. They also want me to work on some cleaning while I'm there.

To the point, the house is built into a hill and has a two-story climb up the stairs and into the house. When I was still a teenager, I could fly up the stairs without being out of breath. There is also a staircase to the upper bedrooms -- mine was up there. Anyways, this afternoon was the first time for a long while that I felt energized to walk up! Granted, I was still out of breath, but I didn't feel tired or anything. The same happened with the stairs to the upper story. I don't know if it was due to the weekly exercise, increased energy from eating better, or what, but it was awesome!

I'm sitting in front of the TV while typing on my computer. Silent Hill is on. It makes me want to get out my copy. I have one of the later games in the series. But the whole thought creeps me out! I freakin' love that game, but it scares the shit out of me. I know I need to head upstairs, but I want to avoid it. I know there are nasty monsters lurking up there! For heaven's sake, I saw Pyramid Head!!!! Thankfully, according to Wiki, I don't ever have to face him. I will see him a few more times, but that's it. However, I need to remind myself that Batman: Arkham Asylum is waiting to be finished. I'm pretty close to confronting Killer Croc. yay!

I got a couple of CDs this afternoon. I'm planning on ripping them and putting them on my iPod. The idea of making a workout playlist makes me giddy! *^_^*

LoL, we're actually getting our asses out of bed and heading to church ^_~ But I want to keep our Sunday ritual: When we get up for church, we grab bagels and coffee. Really, doing it once a week --if that -- shouldn't screw everything up. It's not like I eat it all the time :P I'm still trying to get used to finding a balance and not feeling guilty. I try to remind myself that I'm doing this to improve my physical health, not as a punishment. If I lose weight, I lose weight,. If not, *shrug*

Things have not gone according to plan this weekend. And, honestly, I'm having a hard time caring. We have a friend over playing Super Mario Wii, and it's good to be around people. I'm to much of a recluse :P

I got a late start this morning, which means a late breakfast. After going to the store, I finally have real milk to enjoy with cheerios. That milk-coloured water really was not milk! Around 1-2ish, I ate two servings of enchiladas. Damn, those things are good! It was hard to say "no." And, I hate to admit, but I broke down and drank a Coke. Yes, I know . . . Ice cold Coke. Hard to say "no" to one. However, I have some low calorie stroganoff (sp) cooking in the crock pot. It smells super yummy! Nom nom nom!

Well, tomorrow is a new week. Even though I've had some slippage, this week has not been very hard. Yeah, I crave stuff and I snake too much, but it don't feel as though I am being deprived. I'm ecstatic that things are coming so well. On top of that, I've been on top of my weekly exercise. If I'm honestly with myself and put down feelings of guilt, this week has been pretty successful! Going into next week, I am super pumped and encouraged! This blog has really been beneficial. Also, all of you ladies (and a couple guys ^_~) have really encouraged me! It is so empowering to see success stories! It is obtainable, and I'm worth it.

Tomorrow previous week in review, status of previous week's goals, and goals for the new week.

Things food wise didn't work out the way it was planned. Either way, we ended up eating enchiladas. It was a win! I posted the recipe if people are interested.

Walking Juneau and riding my bike didn't happen this afternoon. It was like a monsoon outside. For the first part of the storm, it was shooting down hail like a mad person! Poor Juneau had to go outside! She ran to the door and started yelping!

Meh

Dinner/Lunch Menu #2

Skillet Meatloaf Rounds (210 -- can be used as sandwiches for lunch)
Wilted Fresh Spinach (19 -- nice side :9)
Southwestern Beef Gravy Over Rice (299 -- on tortillas 215)
Chili Mac Casserole (343)
Almonds and fresh fruit from the farmers' market as snacks

*yawn* I ended up sleeping in this morning. Usually I'm up around 7:30 - 8. After the 4.5hrs of sleep last night, it was nice to just sleep.

I decided to be adventurous. I put in one of my other pilates DVD. Like the main one I work on, it was working with the pilates circle. Both of the DVDs are very similar, but there are new exercises and different takes on a few. Man, my legs are feeling the burn! When I was still lifting weights, I could leg bench 250+. Needless to say, my legs are the strongest part of my body. It was nice to finally feel a burn ^_^

The quest to make enchiladas shall resume tomorrow ^_^# I forgot to grab some of the other ingredients at the store! Arg!! I'm going to try and get stroganoff in the crock pot. That will make a yummy dinner!

*Pats back* Yup, this new template rocks!

Spending the evening -- up until 4:30am (ish) -- trying to figure out how to create a template on Gimp was a pain! I found this awesome program called Artisteer. I really love it, so I downloaded the trial version of it. Sooooo excited!!! **happy white girl dance** After spending hours hunting down backgrounds, images, and perfecting the whole layout, I go to save the file and it tells me it cannot save in the demo! Shit, I guess I can just upload it. Score! . . . Uh, no . . . Every single page is covered with "trial" on it!! Ack!

While I was sitting up reading and waiting for the cats to finish eating, I started mulling the program over in my head. "Meh, it might not be too expensive." This morning I looked at the price lists. Aaak, $50?!

Later this afternoon, after puppy kindergarten, I decided to break down and buy the program. Between my saved up allowance and some leftover money from the tax return provided enough money. Yay!! And I have some left over for books and the like (*ahem* sports bra)!! Yay!!

Most of this evening, I've been sitting around watching the 'tube and making the new layout!! Hey, I did yoga this morning, walked Juneau down to the mailbox trying "heel", and working through her class doing "heel" and other things, so I reason I burned a lot of calories today!

In the words of Po, this layout has "awesomeness and attractiveness of which there is no price."

In other news, I went by the rec center this afternoon. I wanted a tour of the facilities, because I haven't seen what they have for a long time. Unfortunately, they were closed due to summer maintenance. Next week they will be done and ready for a tour. We figured that with the reimbursement from hubby's employer would make our bill $14/mo! Depending on what the tour shows, I'm getting a year membership next week!!

Recap Day 3:
After our lunch out, my evening was sad. I had planned on making black bean and rice enchiladas for dinner. Hubby has dance class until 6:30, so I figured the stuff could go into the oven around 6:10. I knew that it needed to be started early. I had every plan of doing so. The internet and making blogger layouts distracted me. Finally looking down at the clock, I see it is 5:38!! Running into the kitchen, I get everything out and figured I could pull it together pretty quickly. Not! I remembered that the rice needed to be cooked. Unfortunately, the package I got called for close to a hour of cooking time. *sigh*

Normally this wouldn't be an issue, but hubby had to go back into work after dinner. Needless to say, we ended up grabbing a quick Taco Bell (aka Toxic Smell ^_~) dinner. I wasn't too thrilled. However, I must admit that it tasted good *^_^*

On top of that adventure, I ended up staying up until nearly 5am! My hubby still was not home :(

Day 4:
Lunch: One chipotle sloppy joe (less than 406cal),some ranch flavored rice cakes (cannot remember the cal count), and half of a bottle of Sprite (100cal). Nom nom nom!

Even though I only had about 4.5 -5hrs of sleep, my body got me up this morning. The cats have been fed, the hubby is sleeping, and I've been goofing off on my computer. I did manage to get yoga done this morning. It really kicked my ass!

Quotes for the day:

"Women turn to food when they are not hungry because they are hungry for something they can't name: a connection to what is beyond the concerns of daily life. Something deathless, something sacred. But replacing the hunger for divine connection with Double Stuf Oreos is like giving a glass of sand to a person dying of thirst. It creates more thirst, more panic. Combine the utter inefficacy of dieting with the lack of spiritual awareness and we have generations of mad, ravenous, self-loathing women. We have become obsessed with getting rid of our obsession, with riding on top of our suffering and ignoring its inherent message, that we lose the pieces of ourselves waiting to be found beneath it. But fixing ourselves is not the same as being ourselves. The real richness of obsession lies in the ineffable stillness, the irrefutable wholeness, that is found in turning toward its source."
Women, Food and God - Geneen Roth

I just found this quote to be very deep! I still have a hard time thinking of myself as an emotional eater, but this really puts a different spin on it. Awhile back, my husband ended getting a horrible, horrible case of depression. During that time, I felt as though I just had a roommate, and that I needed to take on a mothering role just to get him through the day. Obviously I had needs that were not being met. I ended up buying a lot of stuff on the internet. And, trust me, I have always been very frugal. Even spending allowance money on a book was agonizing. Imagine how shocked I was that I turned to buying things. In the long run, I was never getting my need met. I was only getting instant gratification; it didn't last.

"But while we spend plenty of time working on our bodies, exercising, dieting, and making improvements, we don't just listen [to our bodies]."
Transparent: Getting Honest About Who We Are and Who We Want to Be - Sarah Zacharias Davis

What would it mean if we started listening to our bodies, our intuition, and God? I think our focus would be completely different if we sat quietly and listened to what our bodies had to tell us. Slowing down and paying attention to what I ate, I was amazed to discover how little food I need at a sitting. Hubby is a skinny computer geek, and he eats for than I do! In fact, he eats 3/4 more!

Anyways, those are just some thoughts running through my brain this morning.

"I'm tired of eating leftovers. I want to go out to eat." Said husband.

I should just stay home and eat my leftovers, but I don't want to. It won't kill me to head out for lunch . . .? Leftovers are on the menu for dinner, so . . . Is it so terrible?

For heaven's sake, I feel so guilty!!

Quest: Bike Tires

After waking up, getting dressed, making a play list, letting Juneau in and out, I finally made it out the door to get my tires filled. It was a pain to dig it out of the garage. Secretly I was hoping the tires didn't lose any air while the lived in my backyard all last year. Haha, nope!

I tried to get out early-ish this morning. According to the weather report, it was supposed to get up in the 80s. It seemed like a better idea to get there and back before the heat of the day. I'm glad I did! It was still kind of toasty outside with the sun beating down on me. When I finally made it to the gas station, I found their air hose was out of order. The clerk pointed me to the fly store/gas station I had just walked by. After waiting in line for awhile, the clerk told me that they had a free air pump around the corner. Victory!

Headed home to relax in the less-than-hot-outside environment. After making it across the major street in this part of town (actually it is a highway), I decided it was a good idea to hop on my bike and pedal home. Haha, right! They say you never forget how to ride a bike. Well, the balance isn't forgotten, but everything else. For some reason I couldn't turn the damn bike. I don't know if it is something wrong with it, or if it was just my out-of-date biking skills. Needless to say, I ended up walking home.

I'm thinking that I'll head out tomorrow and try riding around the block a few times. Here's hoping nothing is wrong with the bike.

The Playlist:
I Love Rock 'n' Roll - Joan Jett and the BLackhearts
Rebel Girl - Bikini Kill
I Hate Myself for Loving You - Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
Opheliac - Emilie Autumn
Sugar, We're Going Down - Fall Out Boy
Wherever I May Roam - Metallica
Remedy - Seether
Cherry Bomb - Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
Eat the Children - Otep
Bad Reputation - Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
Take Your Mama - The Scissor Sisters
The Beautiful People - Marilyn Manson
Lords of the Boards - Guano Apes
Consequence Free - Great Big Sea
Living Dead Girl - Rob Zombie
What's Left of the Flag - Flogging Molly
Falling Apart - The Lovemakers
Captain Morgan's Revenge - Alestorm
Saviour - VNV Nation
Last Nite - The Strokes
Dancing With Myself - The Donnas
Rebel Yell - Drowning Pool
I Am Revenant - The Distillers

Weigh-ins are up. Measurements will be put up after this post ^_~

Goals 8/1 - 8/7:

• Get my bike tires filled
• Start riding my bike again (start slow. 7mi is unreasonable!*)/get Juneau used to walking with a bike so she can join me later
  
• Walk Juneau down to the mail box everyday -- working on "heel"
• Walking with hubby and Juneau in the park Friday evening (I hope to make this more of a several-times-a-week occurrence)
• Try one of my other Pilates DVDs, and try the accelerated fat burning workout
• Find time for both yoga and DDR
• Figure out the rec center drama (I'm tempted just to get a membership and go by myself)
• Take some time for just me -- reading book, playing video games, etc.
  

*I used to ride by bike 7mi/day. I cannot do that anymore :(

The wind is blowing, and the sky has darkened. Thunderstorms are likely this afternoon. The weather has done a lot towards my inherent laziness. Something about rainstorms makes me want to hunker down at home. But something about this weather feels ominous.

This morning was not a breakfast morning. The water-with-milk-flavor kind of quieted any desires I may have had. However, after sweating and dragging my way through a 30min DDR adventure, I didn't feel hungry. I heard the harder you exercise, you lose your apatite. I don't know if it's true.

It's really coming down. Should I close the window? The breeze is lovely. We haven't had moving air in awhile.

While jumping through a round of DDR, I realized that I failed to take my weight . . . again. I'm not avoiding it! Honest! I just have the crappiest memory known to mankind :P

Aside from remembering my weigh-in, I don't know about weekly goals. I don't know what is reasonable to expect.

I dunno . . . I feel kind of "meh" today.

I want to get out an do something, but this town is pretty limited. I want to go to the rec center, but my buddy and I are still trying to work that one out. I need to be less lazy, but there isn't really anything to do around the house (some minor picking up, but nothing to get the heart pumping. Mostly sitting down work :P). I want to ride my bike, but it has a flat tire. The rain is keeping me to trying to venture to the gas station to fill up the tire. And, man, that lightning looked pretty formidable!

*sigh*

Tried two new recipes today. Both were a totally bust in my book. I thought they were both exceptionally bland. They had flavor, but . . . My husband enjoyed both. That's awesome, but I "get" to look forward to eating them as leftovers tomorrow. Ug!

I cracked 1,000 calories, but I didn't get close to the 1,500 point. The idea of fully counting them annoys me, so I'm just monitoring it.

We took Juneau to the park. Working on heeling makes it even more cardio, helps build strength, and will power lol!

For some reason, I keep coming into contact with something that is making my hand swell like an allergic reaction. Last week it gave me a killer headache. Once I took Benedryl (sp), the swelling went down, the redness was gone, and my headache disappeared. I wonder what caused it. After the park, it flared up again this evening. It is really annoying!!

Tomorrow I will try to get my weight. In the morning that is not the first thing I think about.

Observation - Day 1: Fat-free milk is really some government conspiracy. Instead of a calcium enriched liquid, we have water with one eyedropper of milk. Therefore, I ask, "Do you want a little milk with your water?"

Needless to say, Cheerios were not that enjoyable with water. They kind of taste gross :P I only consume milk when I eat breakfast, so I'm going back to the real stuff. The calories really don't bother me when it comes to milk.

Day 1 started with Pilates first thing. Juneau wanted to come in about 5min into the workout. She behaved very well this time. I only had to push her away from the yoga mat twice! Yay!

During Pilates, I remembered that I didn't weigh myself or get out my tape measure to take all my measurements. I've decided to do a weigh-in twice a month: 1st and 15th. Heehee, tomorrow I'll try to remember to step on the scale before I feed the cats.

The gym/rec center plan has hit a roadblock. My gym-buddy has a membership to the campus gym, but graduation means I cannot get a membership. My husband's company pays half of the cost for a membership at the rec center. All good, right? Wrong. My buddy doesn't necessarily have $350+ to shell out. I dunno. She going to do some checking and get back to me. I would like a buddy to go with, but I might have to bite the bullet and go by myself. I need to learn self motivation and discipline. It's good for me ^_~

In an attempt to get cardio regularly, I'm planning on trying to get Juneau out for a walk 1/day. Also, I want to pull my DDR pad out. I loved playing it when I got it. My Pilates video has an accelerated fat workout, and I want to try to work up to it. It is 50min and will definitely kick my ass!

I applied for three more positions at the University. Two of them are part-time and one is full-time. I would rather get the full-time positions because the bigger salary will help out money situation better. Also, with either position, I can get a membership at the gym on campus. As far as machines and free-weights, they are far superior to the rec center. I'm crossing my fingers, praying, and trying to trust God. Man, that is easier said (or typed ^_~) than done ;P