About Me
- sinn
- "If you’re a freak like me, Wave your flag! If you’re a freak like me, Get off your ass! It’s our time now, To let it all hang out!" I am a recovering English major, closet bibliophile, breve addicted, zombie lover with a rockabilly and heavy metal fetish.
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When you claim to be the first7 years ago
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Monday, August 9, 2010
Beginning Week 2
9:44 AM |
Even though Mythbusters has proven that the old adage is not possible, I feel as though I hit the ground running when I started this week. After the snackage fail that is known as yesterday, it was nice to hit such a high streak.
My yoga DVD talks about breathing and filling "out the shape that you are." While I was driving today, I realized that I don't feel fat. But I constantly judge how people are going to respond to me. I felt as though I was being judged when hubby and I went to get a tour of the rec center. "Oh, she's fat." Part of me felt as though people were laughing and sneering at me for my physical state. Then I ask myself why do I care. Their opinion and view are theirs. I cannot change what the perceive, what they see. I can only change myself.
But, when I find myself feeling exceptionally sexy or powerful, I walk by a mirror and I'm undone. Do I really look that fat?! Is that really me. I don't feel that fat. My husband always tells me that I am beautiful, sexy, desirable, but I cannot hear it. I sabotage myself and cripple my small self esteem. Even after being married for 7 years, I have a hard time getting into some cute negligee. I imagine how I look it them and can see only fat: a sagging stomach, flappy arms, thunder thighs.
Even though weight loss would be nice, I need to remind myself that I am in this for health. I am tired of living in this place refusing to face my problems and demons.
As Angel always tells me, "Warning: Sexy curves ahead!"
In less of an introspective state of mind, we got a tour of the rec center. The facilities are 100% better than they were the last time I had a tour. They added more weight-machines and the cardio section is a lot bigger as well. They also have a hot tub. It would be awesome to workout, slip into my swim suit, and left the warmth of the water relax my muscles. Oh, they also gave me a free gift for getting a membership. I chose a meeting with a personal trainer to determine and exercise program that is centered on me and my needs. I'm excited!
1 Transparency by Sarah Zacharias Davis
2 Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth
I hate gender generalizations. You know, all the women are this, all the men are this . . . I don't like them because I think they put people in a box, forcing them to fit into social confines, or statistics, or studies, rather than just who they are 1I think this is also true of stereotypes. They have become like a gilded cage. We are all trapped in this society construct of who we are, who we should be, what clothes we need to wear, etc. Here is my favorite, "You're fat so you must be unhealthy." What does being fat have to do with overall health? I'm fat. I accept that. I have a more sedentary lifestyle, which helps contribute to the problem. However, my blood chemistry is awesome. Perfect cholesterol, heart in the top 20 of heart health, blood pressure rockin', etc. To me, that does not sound unhealthy. Why is health not based on our spiritual well being, or emotional, or whatever?
My yoga DVD talks about breathing and filling "out the shape that you are." While I was driving today, I realized that I don't feel fat. But I constantly judge how people are going to respond to me. I felt as though I was being judged when hubby and I went to get a tour of the rec center. "Oh, she's fat." Part of me felt as though people were laughing and sneering at me for my physical state. Then I ask myself why do I care. Their opinion and view are theirs. I cannot change what the perceive, what they see. I can only change myself.
But, when I find myself feeling exceptionally sexy or powerful, I walk by a mirror and I'm undone. Do I really look that fat?! Is that really me. I don't feel that fat. My husband always tells me that I am beautiful, sexy, desirable, but I cannot hear it. I sabotage myself and cripple my small self esteem. Even after being married for 7 years, I have a hard time getting into some cute negligee. I imagine how I look it them and can see only fat: a sagging stomach, flappy arms, thunder thighs.
I tell them [conference attendees] that if compulsive eating is anything, it's a way we leave ourselves when life gets hard. When we don't want to notice what is going on. Compulsive eating is a way we distance ourselves from the way things are when they are not how we want them to be. I tell them that ending obsession with food is all about the capacity to stay in the present moment. To no leave themselves. I tell them that they don't have to make a choice between losing weight and doing this. Weight loss is the easy part; anytime you truly listen to your hunger and fullness, you lose weight. But I also tell them that compulsive eating is basically a refusal to be fully alive. No matter what we weigh, those of us who are compulsive eaters have anorexia of the soul. We refuse to take in what sustains us. We live lives of deprivation. And when we can't stand it any longer, we binge . . .Resigning yourself to the endless struggle with food so you never have to take the dive into the meaning of it all. Or discover who you are, what your relationships can be without the drama of food. 2For the longest time, I didn't believe that this applies to me. Thinking about it now, if it didn't apply to me, why am I unable to "fill the shape that I am"? Since my main focus is on overall health, I need to address the real issue behind my obsession with food. I need to delve into my feeingls of inadequacy and lack of self worth. No matter what size I am, no matter what I eat, if I don't address these issues, I will continue to fail.
Even though weight loss would be nice, I need to remind myself that I am in this for health. I am tired of living in this place refusing to face my problems and demons.
As Angel always tells me, "Warning: Sexy curves ahead!"
In less of an introspective state of mind, we got a tour of the rec center. The facilities are 100% better than they were the last time I had a tour. They added more weight-machines and the cardio section is a lot bigger as well. They also have a hot tub. It would be awesome to workout, slip into my swim suit, and left the warmth of the water relax my muscles. Oh, they also gave me a free gift for getting a membership. I chose a meeting with a personal trainer to determine and exercise program that is centered on me and my needs. I'm excited!
1 Transparency by Sarah Zacharias Davis
2 Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth
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4 comments:
Do you have the Just my Size Yoga DVD with Megan Garcia? "Filling out the shape that you are" is one of the lines she uses! I LURVE that DVD with all my heart! (It's the one I always refer to as Fat Girl Yoga on my blog... lol) Anyway, I love the concept of being healthy for your shape. I'm lots like you in that respect- some days I feel all powerful and confident, some days all I see is the cottage cheese and flappage. I get that oh so well!
But keep it up! I am rooting for you like you would not believe!
Awww, thanks, sweetie! It's nice to know there are some people in my corner. I know my family is, but that's a given ^_~
Yeah, it's the one with Megan Garcia. I LOVE her! I even bought her yoga book. It is really awesome, and I hope to start working through it soon. As it is, the DVD already kicks my butt!!
**hugs** I'm in your corner too, sister!
I hope you get a great trainer. My trainer has made all the difference for me. Talk about people looking...On the first day with my trainer I wore short shorts. I had no idea this would be bad...Anyway my trainer put me on the bike, in the front row, in front of the mirror. Needless to say, all you could see were chubby legs. I was so embarrassed!!!! But you know, I thought to myself - go ahead and laugh!! I won't always look like this. And already I look a ton better! Have a great day!!
Hugs!
My hubs is also very encouraging and loves me as I am. It's so hard because I don't see it and I often lose my focus because all I see is fat. And if i'm hideous to me, how can i be sexy to him? it's a horrible line that replays in my head.
I'm jealous in regards to the personal trainer. Let us know how that goes! I hope it goes great.
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